Dhoom 3

Directed by: Vijay Krishna Acharya

Starring: Aamir Khan, Abhishek Bachchan, Katrina Kaif, Uday Chopra, Jackie Shroff

Released: 2013

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - shitastic - good – great – amazing

I feel that after this film I need to add one more word into my rating – SHITASTIC. Because that is the only way how to describe how awesome and awful Dhoom 3 is (maybe I should call it „awesful“?). I thought the first movie of the franchise decent, the second absolutely horrendous. And this one just bloody ridiculous. But given I had my brain boiled by intense studying and was in a desperate need of letting everything just go for a moment, I ended up enjoying this first class trash to the fullest.

Uday Sparrow.

First of all, I made a mistake listing the cast above. The correct order should be: Aamir Khan, Aamir Khan, supported by Aamir Khan, a bike, Aamir Khan, and some extras. What makes it a part of Dhoom franchise is not Jai and Ali, a duo of idiotic cops, but bikes doing mad shit and story so questionable you cannot take any bit of it seriously. It is not a masala film in that slightly rustic 80s style (that needs to die a quick death for the sake of humanity), it looks way more polished, almost slick, almost like a good movie. But then of course bikes ride on ropes and rickshaws break through numerous brick walls, and American police calls for help two of the most incompetent Indian cops who have screwed up every big case in the past. And by the time the big twist comes you have guessed already, but Jai Dixit has not.

Suddenly..... diorrhea.

Unlike previous Dhoom, which was just totally random, Aamir – as Sahir AND Samar, is given a backstory. All the silliness that happens has a certain motivation, which at least gives it a frame, that kinda holds it all together. There is no shit (am using this word often in this review, am I not?) love story that would make you roll your eyes and wish the lovers dead already. On the other hand it is all about robbing a bank and yet not once you see the bank robbed (huh?), but the makers try to make up for it with ENDLESS bike/car chases that always end up with Aamir´s magical bike pulling off some magic trick. The circus showed in the prologue (which interestingly feels like something from the 20s instead of the year 1990) provides just really secondary magic tricks (no wonder the bank was not impressed), the new circus Aamir launches seems to have ONE show number that goes on every night and forever.

But I guess nobody cares about the reruns. As long as Ms. Kaif is wearing only glitter.

Aamir Khan has a constipated expression as Sahir and his act as Samar is actually painful. The film entirely belong to him still, even if his bulging muscles make him move rather uncomfortably. Abhishek Bachchan sports a frowned brow and grim stare all the time, it is obvious the makers had no idea what to do with him. Any random cop could have provoke the exact same things from Sahir and the character of Jai is really no longer required. As for Uday Chopra, he is in because everybody needs a sidekick they can pester and Jai ain´t no different. 

No clever caption. I just loved her hair.

Katrina Kaif has about 20 minutes in the film (that already includes 3 songs). She fits the role. She is quite cute and no acting histrionics are required anyway. Dhoom girl is about sex appeal, good looks and glamour, all of which she provides generously, and for the first time ever I truly appreciated her dancing. She was REALLY good, and only few bits of choreography made her look awkward. Most importnatly her character does not refer to herself in third person (Sunehri was really pissing me off with this in Dhoom 2. Like who the hell does that?) It felt good to see Jackie Shroff in his cameo, he was reliable as always, although his character was one whacko of a „loving“ father.

I set fire to the box! Bow down to my magic, bitches!

Songs blend in well with the film – the best one by far is Malang. All that money they put into picturization definitely paid of. The number is SPECTACULAR and must have been amazing to experience on big screen. On the other hand Aamir Khan should apologize for that tap dance in the beginning. Camera work is beautiful, and the only technical aspect that was not up to mark were special effects. The amount of cars crashed and flying through the air must have made Rohit Shetty green with envy.

Dhoom 3 is definitely the best of the horrible franchise. It is awful but extremely entertaining. So bad it´s good. All glamour, no substance or logic. And apparently every criminal prefers to throw themselves off the cliff rather than be arrested by Jai Dixit.

Do you think he charged producer twice?

Umrao Jaan

Directed by: J. P. Dutta

Starring: Aishwarya Rai, Abhishek Bachchan, Suniel Shetty, Shabana Azmi, Divya Dutta

Released: 2006

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

A story of life of a courtesan transformed from literature into a film that indeed feels like a lifetime. That long and that tiring. And so much concerned about the visual part, about how overwhelmingly pretty everything has to look, that it forgets to bring out emotions, fails to invest the viewer into the heroine´s plight. And since that is essential for quite a non-happening story as the one of Umrao Jaan, the movie stands only for tedious wanna-be try at epicness.

Not much is added to the famous story of a girl kidnapped from her family and sold into a brothel, where she grows up into a stunning and talented tawaif, capturing attention and affection of Nawab Sultan. Even this time the love story is doomed. Compared to the 1981 version with Rekha (the comparisms are simply bound to happen) the story is actually even simpler (not a good decision), leaving out the sub-plots involving a fellow tawaif Bismilah, as well as Umrao´s flight from the brothel to live by herself, and sadly also one of the most bitter twists of a similarly kidnapped girl becoming Sultan´s wife. All we are left with are 3 hours of pining after Nawab and crying without end. Indeed, this Umrao Jaan is not much of a company to anyone except one guy.

Truth is that the whole film is really just a passionate love-affair with Aishwarya Rai´s face. Wintin every five minutes there would be a lingering close-up, obsessing about her eyes opening slowly, closing slowly or staring without a blink, and 80% of the time tears would be flowing from them. Indeed she looks stunning throughout, no matter if she is wearing a bejewelled outfit or a simple one, and to be fair her beauty is definitely not the only contributing factor she provides. Aishwarya suits these roles. The Devdas and Jodhaa Akbra ones. She suited this one as well and her performance, even though unnecessary teary, is among her better ones. Her dialogue delivery in this is very good. But still, the seemingly endless dialogues that sometimes last for five or even more minutes, make the viewer impatient and bored. The script and the way story is crafted doesn´t help Aishwarya to connect and invite the audience into her heart and soul, where we could possibly feel with her – something Rekha did so effortlessly in 1981.

While Aishwarya is let down by the script, but otherwise fits, her beloved Nawab Abhishek looks like he found himself on the sets by mistake. There is nothing even remotely regal or dignified about him, and overal his besotted lover act feels thanda. He and Aish make the cutest off-screen couple, but camera is not really nice to them when it comes to chemistry. The relationship seems a bit forced really, with hardly any base. On what did the love grow one has to wonder.

Suniel Shetty as fierce and mysterious Faizal Ali fares better. The character of Gohar Mirza, played back in the day by one and only Naseeruddin Shah, remains unmatched. The young man in this version doesn´t really have the sneakiness or cunningness, and his feelings for Umrao are – as many other things in this – very much simplified and he thus becomes a lot less important. Shabana Azmi and Divya Dutta both give good performances, which is, after all, expected of both of the talented ladies. Also Ayesha Jhulka, an almost forgotten heroine of the 90s, makes a brief appearnce and is lovely.

A big part of Umrao Jaan are the songs, however the film does not deliver in this department either. Apart from „Salaam“, all other melodies and lyrics blend into one, none stands out and all are forgettable. Picturization leaves a lot to be desired as well, that in spite of Aishwarya being a superb dancer. Choreography concentrates way too much on the hands and neglects the rest of the body (I am no expert, and even I can tell the choreographer did not really have much of an idea what to do), relying, like much of the film, on Aishwarya´s beauty to distract the viewer and detract the attention from anything that may not be good enough. Does this strategy work? To an extent. Mrs. Bachchan is more than easy on the eyes. Unfortunately in the end not even that is sufficient to save the film from sinking into oblivion of your mind, where it by all mean belongs.

Sequels and more sequels

Since it is latest fashion in Bollywood to turn films into a franchise or at least make a sequel or two, here come my thoughts on three of them....

Dhoom

Directed by: Sanjay Gandhvi

Starring: Abhishek Bachchan, John Abraham, Uday Chopra, Esha Deol, Rimi Sen

Released: 2004

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

At first I thought it was a film made for less talented star relatives, but thankfully it turned out quite well. Abhishek was really good, which in his case is rather rare, but I just did not believe John to be the bad guy. He is a chocolate boy who looks like a lollipop macho, but he is as evil as a tomato soup. This was my first encounter with Uday Chopra, and he suited the role perfectly, and it was also my first encounter with Esha Deol. In her case all Hema Malini´s genes concentrated on making the daughter looks like an exact copy of her mother, but failed in transferring charm and screen presence (forget talent). What I liked the most was probably the editing (except for the scene near the end when Abhishek and John are coming out of the casino when the constant "BOOM and close up on them looking at each other" was used annoyingly often). The story lacked both the investigation process and the planning of the cons, which quite frankly bothered me a bit. I was always just presented the final result without seeing any development - which in cop films like this one are just necessary. Dhoom is primarily a guy´s film - by guys for guys. Full of motorbikes and skinshow

Dhoom 2

Directed by: Sanjay Gandhvi

Starring: Hrithik Roshan, Aishwarya Rai, Abhishek Bachchan, Uday Chopra, Bipasha Basu

Released: 2006

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

From the first second it was clear that this Dhoom is more polished. More fancy. And much, oh so much more stupid. I have a great tolerance to the physically impossible displays of awesomeness, but what is much is too much as we say in Czech. Abhishek and Uday are still both very much stuck in the first Dhoom and have not made any progress altogether on any level at all. Hrithik didn´t have any impact on me – his Filmfare for this reamins the biggest Filmfare joke ever. Bipasha - why was she in this film? She has TWO roles and both are absolutely needless. I was sorry for Aishwarya, because she was just bad, and I know she can do so much better. Her beauty was burried under a THICK layer of very unflattering make-up and Crazy Kiya Re has to be the most overrated song in history of Bollywood. "Why are you wasting your incredible dancing skills?!" line was swirling in my head all the time watching it. The music overally is pretty weak (excep tfor the Dhoom theme which has already appeared in the first film) and the final nail into its coffin hammer the English lyrics, that in this case just do not work. Whatever the suspence in the first Dhoom, there is absolutely none in this. And I cannot help but wonder WHY in the world is this going to have another sequel.

Housefull

Directed by: Sajid Khan

Starring: Akshay Kumar, Deepika Padukone, Riteish Deshmukh, Lara Dutta, Arjun Rampal, Boman Irani, Chunky Pandey

Released: 2010

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I can´t believe I´m saying this but most of it I actually enjoyed. Not liked. Enjoyed. Anyway it is definitely a bad film, and though the skin show is not ever present it has a somehow sleazy feel throughout. The showstealers were Boman Irani and Chunky Pandey, and I one of the reasons I enjoyed the movie was Lara Dutta (the woman is just not in enough films!). The story is next to none, there is just one big mess of a confusion given by switching multiple partners according to situation.

Housefull 2

Directed by: Sajid Khan

Starring: Akshay Kumar, John Abraham, Rishi Kapoor, Randhir Kapoor, Mithun Chakraborthy, Riteish Deshmukh, Asin, Jacqueline Fernandez, Shreyas Talpade, Zarine Khan

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Indeed the house was full from basement to the roof. Sequels are rarely met with such a good response, but Housefull 2 did more than well and after a series of flops Akshay Kumar returned from the oblivion. There is not much different from the first film. The plot and the jokes are yet again based on loads of lies and partner changes, just unlike last time Akshay is not an innocent fool but a cunning kamina. Truly, housefull 2 brings nothing new to town, except a really delightful on screen meeting of Rishi and Randhir Kapoor as two brothers who hate each other, but have many things in common. There are way too many damn characters to remember and way too many damn deceptions to really keep a track, but to be honest I found the over the top unlikely situations absolutely hilarious – and credit goes more to the art of the actors than anything else. Seven women in the story (two mothers, four girlfriends and a dancer) have absolutely nothing to do, and womenfolk is pretty much presented as kind of dumb, but all the men are just splendid in their comedy (I especially need to mention to I-am-a-joking Chunky Pandey as Aakhri Pasta). More than a sequel it is a upgraded version of the previous movie and definitely the funniest film of the whole first half of 2012.

Dhamaal

Directed by: Indra Kumar

Starring: Sanjay Dutt, Arshad Warsi, Riteish Deshmukh, Javed Jaffrey

Released: 2007

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

The OTT is so Indra Kumar... However in all that OTT there is heart somewhere. True enough, I was not able to finish this at one go, because it would give me headache after a while, but I kept returning to it till without regrets. It was amusing, though not exactly hilarious. I could have done without the stupid souds indicating that "this was funny", seriously in a film like this (meaning FULL of silly jokes) we wouldn´t have missed that the joke already happened. I must admit I was genuinly teary-eyed in the end.... Sanjay Dutt was made for such roles. He was awesome and by far the most funny of them all, without making faces and talking rubbish. My love for Riteish was justified yet again, loved him as well. Fine timepass.

Double Dhamaal

Directed by: Indra Kumar

Starring: Sanjay Dutt, Arshad Warsi, Riteish Deshmukh, Javed Jaffrey, Mallika Sherawat, Kangana Ranaut

Released: 2011

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Yet another story of four not that brilliant guys trying to get rich quickly and without work. As much as I enjoyed the first one, this one is not as half as funny and also lacks all the heartwarming moments. In fact the only fun and simles I had came in the last hour. This time it´s not Sanjay Dutt, but Ritesh Deshmunk who takes the cake for the best performance, his "Tukya" was purely hilarious! I´m almost ashamed to say I found Mallika Sherawat much more natural and bearable then Kangana, who, to be honest, is starting to annoy me really bad. All in all there is LOTS of OTT Indra Kumar style (as usual and expected), and way too many references to other films actually take away from the wit.  

Bol Bachchan

Directed by: Rohit Shetty

Starring: Ajay Devgn, Abhishek Bachchan, Asin, Prachi Desai

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing 

Bol Bachchan is a really phunny philm. Working with ever popular formula of lies, lies and more lies creating confusion and more confusion, very much like another phunny philm earlier this year (the one about a house being full), but it actually has a bit of a plot and smaller number of characters which makes it less memory demanding.

Abbas and Sania, a Muslim brother and sister, are forced to take refuge with a family friend in a small town, which is prospering under landlord Prithviraj, a man of muscles and a heart that loves truth above everything else. Try to lie to him even a little and thou shalt know what pain is. Then again this is all rather unfortunate since he is very easy to lie to, as Abbas finds out soon enough, as circumstances make him to do just that. And later he is too scared of Prithviraj and starts making more and more lies, which are good enough to satisfy the landlord, but at the same time give a terrible headache to Abbas, Sania and a whole bunch of other people who get involved. A concept very simple, but executed with lots of freshness (and did that stage play near the end crack me up).

Abhishek Bachchan redeemed himself after the atrocity he served us this January and confirmed yet again he is a very pleasant actor who needs to be presented more as a common man than a genius super-cop/super-con. Also multistarrers do him good, at least those that have another strong performer (here it is Ajay Devgn) to pretty much „complete“ him on screen (how effin´ good they both looked beating up an army of goondas – twice - without even getting sweat stains?). Ajay has always been projected more as an action hero, at least as far as I know, but lately he has been using his great comic sense as well, and as an English-loving yet totally messing up meaning of words and thus delivering some hilarious one-liners (A brother in need is a sister indeed! My eyes have fallen from my face!) macho landlord he rules. For me he stole the show, though Abhishek too has moments of utter brilliance. His notorious gay act, that worked for him so much in Dostana, and actually seems to be his most popular avatar (ouch!), is used here as well, then again it is left soon enough not to weary off. Aided in comedy also by Krushna Abhishek (forever known to me as Govinda´s nephew) and other minor character artists, all the protagonists make sure your sides are hurting from all the laughs even before the interval. 

Asin and Prachi both are presented beautifully, but Asin, as gorgeous as she undoubtedly is, lacks „it“. She has a great beauty, yet no personality on screen, nothing that would catch your eye as soon as she is not the only one in the frame. She does decent, but I´m becoming a bit tired of her decent, because apart from Ghajini that is all she has shown so far. She has not one role that would allow her to perform (and evolve), she seems to be choosing only films where starcast pretty much guarantees a hit. You cannot really talk about a chemistry between the girls and their romantic interests in the movie – well, not between Asin and Ajay (yep yep... age difference too visible – and I am afraid this complaint is going to be more and more frequent in my reviews concerning films by Mr. Devgn, Mr. Kumar and also the Khans etc), fortunatelly Ajay and Abhishek have enough chemistry to make it work.

It could have been 30 minutes shorter, because like this it was getting a bit wearisome at one point, and as a girl I´m not really into the obligatory car porn Rohit Shetty enjoys so much. There are only three songs – two lovey-dovey ones that I really liked and enjoyed, and the one playing during the opening credits and featuring none other than Amitabh Bachchan, which obviously has no other point than to boost his son´s movie at least a little with his legendary status. And I didn´t get why they were jumping out of huge Fabergé eggs either.

If I should sum it up, Bol Bachchan is a fun ride with a heart.

When your favourites disappoint

They say you only are a true fan if you are willing to suffer through your favourite´s god-damn-awful filmography. Bad films happen. To everybody from Dilip Kumar to Akshay Kumar. Sometimes they are not even really that bad, but somehow disappointing and weak. Some of such films of some of my favourite actors to follow.

Jodi Breakers

Directed by: Ashwini Chaudhary

Starring: Madhavan, Bipasha Basu, Omi Vaidya

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I tried to watch the film before, but turned it off after first 15 or so minutes, but then I told myself I may not want to be as harsh, after all Madhavan is my teddy-bear. Sadly his presence doesn´t save the film, and the character he plays is actually one of the most annoying loosers I´ve seen on screen. Bipasha is way too unbelievable with her innocent act and the two have no chemistry. The film has one of the dumbest twists (and resolves) ever. So he destroys somebody else´s marriage so his ex-wife can get a rich new husband and he gets his car back? Really? And I am supposed to root for this person? And frankly I didn´t see s single reason what would Sid need Sonali as his partner anyway, thus even the basic plot doesn´t really make sense. To top it all Omi Vadiya was completely annoying as a sex God from the high heavens. In one word: lame. Why was Helen in this?

.....

Paa

Directed by: R. Balki

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Vidya Balan, Abhishek Bachchan

Released: 2009

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I guess some films are just overrated. After having a shock from rather awkward subtitles narrated for whatever reason by Jaya Bachchan, I was kept waiting .... and waiting for the awesomeness praised by the critics to appear, but it never did. The story deals with a very sad issue of progeria, a rare disease causing the body to age before its time – and that very rapidly. The main character, a twelve years old boy Auro, suffering from the condition, actually has a body of an 80 year old. And what more – he doesn´t have a father. Or rather, doesn´t know him. After all this father did not want a child and only because Auro´s mother refused to go for an abortion and left her partner was the child born. The fate however brings the family together again. Everybody in the film does an OK job. From Abhishek to Amitabh, who did not really understand what age he is trying to act. Instead of a 12 years old his handling of the character made Auro seem like barely 7 years old boy. He did well, don´t get me wrong, but nothing overly impressive. I had the same problem with Sridevi in Sadma, where she is supposed to act like 7 years old, but instead gives an impression of a four-year-old, and that does a hell lot of a difference. Vidya is the best of the lot, but is criminally deprived of deserved screen time by the male protagonists. If anything the movie should have been named Maa, because what I took from the film was really the assurance that love of a mother is above everything.

.....

Bhootnath

Directed by: Vivek B. Sharma

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Aman Siddiqui, Juhi Chawla, Shahrukh Khan

Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Not one, but two favourites included – Shahrukh and Juhi – and yet... oh Mr. Sharma this is a perfect example of wasting great acting talent. When you have actors like this you don´t give all the screentime to a kid. Bhootnath is a fine film for children, but far from a great piece of cinema the director presents it till this day.

Shahrukh, the freakingly handsome in his white uniform sea cruise captain moves his wife and son into a new house, not caring everybody says it is haunted. He promptly leaves and his wife invests all her time to attempts to make the new living space more comfortable, while their son soon discovers the house is indeed haunted by a grumpy and dirty old ghost. In no time, they become friends. There are way too many question concerning the ghost (sometimes he can´t touch things, sometimes he can, he apparently eats and can shave and wash..... way too many supernatural powers for one sad soul if you ask me, and pretty much defying everything one would imagine when it comes to ghosts), but I guess children wouldn´t really mind. However the kids should not be too demanding. There is nothing scary or hilarious about the story and the situations shown. See, I don´t even know what else to write. Watch and forget movie.

Players

Directed by: Abbas-Mustan

Starring: Abhishek Bachchan, Sonam Kapoor, Bipasha Basu, Neil Nitin Mukesh, Omi Vaidya, Bobby Deol, Sikander Kher, Vinod Khanna

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

How can you take seriously somebody named Charlie Mascarenhas as a mastermind high-class, next-to-supernatural-hero thief? Even more so when he is played by Abhishek Bachchan (who just never learns)? Players (or by a more precise title „Thiefs“) was supposed to be a rocking action packed multi-starrer, but maybe it would have been better if the film was called off once people like Priyanka Chopra and Kareena Kapoor decided to say no to it, because frankly, though the cast is full of known names, none of them really sells on their own.

The „player“ Charlie with his awesome and genius mind, finds his way to super secret information about a transport of a huge amount of gold from Russia to Romania, which immediately becomes his next goal. However he´s not naive enough to think he can pull such a robbery off by himself, and so after a consultation with the best of the best players (read „thieves“), the aging and jailed Victor Dada (Vinod Khanna) he puts together a team of the best thieves with different abilities. His romantic interest Rhea (sexy but somehow boring and unpleasant Bipasha Basu) is to be useful in getting information out of certain men, then there are a master-disguiser Sunny (Omi Vaidya), explosives expert Bilal (Sikander Kher), a magician (Bobby Deol) and a hacker Spider (Neil Nitin Mukesh). And of course the super cool Charlie. However soon after actually pulling off the robbery Charlie finds out someone may have outsmarted him.... and there will be a hell to pay.

"Wait. Somebody stole my wallet. Call the police!"

What kills Players are weak and unimpressive performances, artificial dialogues and in spite of some good twist and turns a considerable level of predictability (though the last may be just my problem, I always happen to know the bad guys from the start, don´t ask me how). I actually really liked the first half, as most of the bad acting and questionable script was compensated by a well made action sequence and nice speed that did not give one too much time to analyze. However after the interval it all slowed down and somehow lost purpose and whatever thrill there was left.

We are sitting in the middle of Siberia and whole Russia is looking for us...

...so let´s drink champagne from fancy glasses we did not forget to pack.

Abhishek is someone I never minded, but I still maintain what I´ve been saying for the past year - he needs to STOP acting cool guys with brilliant minds, because he just doesn´t deliver. Perhaps now after Player, Game and Dum Maro Dum flopped he will get the message? Unfortunatelly for him I think it is too late for him to reinvent himself (hoping to be proved wrong). Sonam has definitely improved, she does not make me cringe everytime she opens her mouth anymore, however she disappoints when it comes to anything emotional. There was NO difference in her expression whether she was flirting with Abhishek, casually serving food or wathching her father being shot. Bipasha is someone whom I fail to like, she just doesn´t pick good roles and just like with Abhishek it seems she is only good for one type of roles AKA we´ve seen it all before. Neil is by far the best, however still far from being impressive. All the actors (ironically with the exception of Johny Lever) give you the impression they totally do not care about anything, least of all about acting. 

Let´s lay down the wreaths and bury this film in some dark corner of our minds.

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna

Directed by: Karan Johar

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Rani Mukherjee, Abhishek Bachchan, Preity Zinta, Amitabh Bachchan, Kirron Kher

Released: 2006

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I will never really understand where did my courage to watch Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna come from. Till this day I have not been able to overcome the outrage and hate that both have come over me after watching Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Ghum, which I consider the worst film I´ve ever seen. I guess it was only my devotion to Shahrukh Khan and my wish to know his complete body of work, combined with being naturally curious what is all the fuss about, that made me watch KANK. After 15 minutes I already knew I was going to suffer.

Kabhi Alvida Naa Kehna is basically a story about two people whose personalities suck big time and that not as much because of the circumstances but because they choose to. Shahrukh as Dev is an arrogant, selfish and most of all self-pitying brat with no respect whatsoever. Once he was a famous football player but after being hit by a car his career was over and he is limping ever since. Sure, something like that could make anyone deeply depressed, but Dev, rather than trying to move on and be useful, decides to sulk for years, blaming the whole world and mentally terrorizing his little son (I was just waiting for the kid to be hospitalized as mentally unstable and crippled for life). I don´t think I ever disliked any Shahrukh´s character as much. Even when he played an evil person like in Anjaam or Don, there was something you could admire or at least appreciate (even though what they do is wrong). But Dev is just a disgusting piece of existence, giving nothing to anyone, being jealous of his wife´s (Preity) success and destroying every moment of peace for everybody around. I am no fan of perfectly flawless characters , I like it when they are human with flaws, but there is limit to everything. Maybe it was my utter dislike for the character, but either not even Shahrukh´s acting could have make me like Dev or even Shahrukh was just bad in this. Based on my opinion that except for My Name Is Khan Karan Johar has always managed to bring out the worst out of him, I sadly tend to believe the second option.

Herodes could learn how to treat kids from Dev....

Rani as Maya is not an inspiring person either. Also wallowing in self-pity she is pushing away any chance of being happy with her husband Rishi (Abhishek). The film tried to present her as being oh so poor a soul because she does not feel romantic love for Rishi, but I only wanted to scream at her for being such a life-ruiner. Rishi is a husband of dreams really. He copes up with everything she does or says without a complaint. He is incredibly giving. And she apparently doesn´t give a damn. In this sense she is same as Dev. They both obviously LOVE being miserable and they LOVE to blame others for it. HOW in the world am I supposed to be their fan or even feel for them? Impossible!

Let´s just behave like a total ass so I can embarass my partner and pity myself even more.

In a very apparent plot twist these two fall in love and start having a secret affair consisting mainly of getting drenched in the rain and singing songs in imaginary sorrounding Karan Johar style. Up until of course they are caught..... and they separate.... and they are oh so noble now and want to save their marriages.... and they end up together of course after one of the most teary, excruciating and longest climaxes ever. By that point I was already skipping whole minutes, completely worn out by all that crap I had managed to sit through. I was not interested AT ALL in what Dev and Maya were through.

One of the greatest sore spots in the film also remains Amitabh Bachchan in his possibly most cringe worthy role ever – Sexy Sam – out of whose hangover he is suffering till this day. Instead of cool he was sleazy and his part in the story was completely unnecessary. I guess his parts of the film were supposed to be mostly fun, but this intention fails completely.

Hi! I´m Sexy Sam. Embarassment of the decade.

The saving graces are performances by Preity Zinta and Abhishek Bachchan. In other circumstances I would always choose Rani and Shahrukh over them, but not here. Theirs were the bits I enjoyed and the best scene of them all has to be Preity slapping Shahrukh after finding out the truth.

KANK fails. In basically every department. I am nobody to preach about fidelity between husband and wife (though yeah, I believe in the concept) and I can see why many marriages fail. I am not saying two people HAVE TO live with each other if they are so very unhappy. However the way infidelity is presented in this movie makes it all seem actually right and legit. There are other films that deal with the same issue and yet they manage to show all the involved people as likeable humans with reasons of their own, like Yash Chopra´s Silsila or most recently Imtiaz Ali´s Rockstar, but Karan Johar, skilled with pouring glycerine but completely clueless about real feelings makes it all one great mess where you hate the hero, you hate the heroine and you hate their love story. And you definitely hate Sexy Sam.

Guru

Directed by: Mani Ratnam

Starring: Abhishek Bachchan, Mithun Chakraborthy, Aishwarya Rai, Madhavan, Vidya Balan

Released: 2007

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

It might have been the setting, the overall look of the film, which was visually very pleasing, it might have been a really good music - and it was definitely the great work of all the actors involved, that earned this movie such a high mark from me. I generally love films set in the past, and for whatever reason they are rather rare in Bollywood, which is only a reason more why to appreciate Guru.

The film opens in the year 1951 in a small Gujarat village, where young boy has both big dreams and strict unsupportive father. Gurukant (or Guru) because of that practically runs away from home, absolutely determined to make it big no matter what, and because he does not lack common sense, he enters the spice trade business in Turkey, learns everything there is to learn about making money and at that point he decides he´s worked enough for others and the time has come to work for himself. But big dreams cost a lot and upon his return to India Guru does not have financial resources to start his own business. 

Poor and ambitious groom.

He decides to take the quickest and most popular way to enrich himself – he gets married. He does not care at all if the girl in question does not like him, if she has tried to runaway with somebody else, if she is older to him, or even if she is ugly – and except for the last bit all those things are true. An so drop-dead gorgeous Sujata is married off to Guru, and in spite of not all that romantic beginning their relationship grows stronger with time, until by the end it is really the only stable thing in Guru´s life...

Rich and unimpressed bride.

Anyway – finally Guru has enough money, and because he´s bold, daring and not ashamed of not-that-completely-legal ways either, his business soon starts to progress. And it grows bigger. And bigger.... Enjoying popularity among thousands of people he provides with jobs, Guru ruthlessly pursues success. Bribing people and smuggling parts for polyester mills and other machines that fill his factories is a daily bread for him. But all this success is also a source of a serious rift that is created between Guru and Manik Dasgupta – aging but still ass-kicking Mithun Chakraborthy in a role worthy of his talent and once legendary status – a mighty newspaper publisher, who for years acted like a father figure to him, because „nanaji“ does not approve of Guru´s illegal means. His untiring attempts to reveal Guru´s illegal actions give me a reason for immense happiness, because that is where Madhavan (Madhavaaaaaaaaannnnn.... oooooooohhhhhhhh.........my teddy bear.... my chweeeeeeeeeett chweeeeeeett teddy..... that dusky colouring and those eyeeeeeeeeeeesssssssss..... I love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu) comes into the picture, even if for a limited time....

The disco dancer of the 80s! YAY!

Abhishek Bachchan is astoundingly good as Guru, with all the changes that happen through the progress of time in the movie – from witty and stubborn youngster, through manipulative and arrogant businessman to ultimately depressed and helpless patient, he convinces the viewer completely. The film is his, and he proves that he is a very good actor. I believe a lot of him not being a saleable actor come from the lack of x-factor then acting skills, and many people also don´t take him seriously because of his father´s larger than life persona he, sadly and unfairly, has to compete with. At the same time Abshishek has given a fair share of bad and „lazy“ performances, and nobody will convince me he is not getting the lead roles still because of his family name and connections.

Abhishek´s physical "evolution" in the film was impressive - including grey hair and weight gain.

The role of Guru is meaty, there is a lot to work with, but somehow it wouldn´t be completely without supporting characters, that help to shape the image of the hero throughout the story. Already I have mentioned Sujata – Aishwarya, looking splendidly gorgeous (which, let´s face it, is the first thing that comes to your mind when she appears) and giving a great performance herself. Both those facts are reasons why I was a bit disappointed by the amount of screen-time she was given, in fact she hardly has had any role in the second half. Not fair, really.

Aishwarya as the woman behind the man.

I have already mentioned that Mithun Chakraborthy has not lost anything from his charisma or acting skill, and I was actually surprised how happy I was to see him on the screen. Madhavan, my teddy bear, was excellent as always. There is something incredibly likeable about him. And he is good. Period. His pairing with Vidya Balan (as Mithun´s grand-daughter slowly dying of multiple sclerosis), is very pleasant and his love for her incredibly touching. Their storyline gave the film a gentle feel and romantic touch, that somehow was amiss from Guru´s own relationship with his wife (where there was love, caring, devotion, but not much of a „romantic romance“).

With all due respect to Abhi/Aish, these two were THE jodi for me.

The atmosphere, the overall look and music, everything is done with much apparent care and together with performances and very human story creates an interesting collage, which at time, I admit is on the verge of boredom, but ultimately works.

March 2011 releases

I rather urgently need to delete several files from my computer and the victims of this decision are to be three film which released this March. And just as my good habit goes, before deleting a film I am to write at least a short review. One of the „major“ releases is not included and that is Dum Maro Dum, simply because I have not yet found a decent picture quality copy with subtitles, so I guess a review of that film will have to wait.... Meanwhile here come the three films I´ve seen....

F.A.L.T.U.

Directed by: Remo D´Souza

Starring: Jackky Bhagnani, Pooja Gupta, Boman Irani, Riteish Deshmunk

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

To be honest I only watched this film because it was directed by Remo, whom I´ve got accostumed to see side by side with Madhuri Dixit on Jhalak Dikhla Ja 4 the last winter. Yeah, a pathetic reason, but a fangirl in me knows no limits! The only reason why I sat through the whole thing was Riteish Deshmunk. I genuinly like the guy, I find him very funny and there is something cute and endearing about him. He is also a good actor and in this is without a second thought the best together with Boman Irani – despite the fact their roles are rather limited. Most of the time you are forced to watch a bunch of teenagers, who are obviously too lazy to study, having a good time and later do some preaching about how teachers should teach..... I am all for changes in our educational systém, but I hate it when people label it all wrong. It has worked for centuries for God´s sake. Maybe I´m just interpreting the „message“ of the film wrong, because it was hard to pay any real attention to what was heppening on screen..... Some jokes might have been funny, if one didn´t realize that there is limit to silliness. And who the heck was that Google guy?

I Am

Directed by: Onir

Starring: Juhi Chawla, Manisha Koirala, Rahul Bose, Nandita Das

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Yes, I know I have shocked you with such a low rating of such a highly critically acclaimed film. But it was the high expectations coming from those critical accolades and praises which made my psyched about I Am long before it released, and then I found out it is actually nothing that special... Onir made a quality film, interestingly put together, with very good performances from everybody. It is always pleasure to see Juhi Chawla, even more so in these kind of mature roles, and it was just as great to see Manisha Koirala again. Rahul Bose, who failed to impress me in Chameli, delivers yet again a rather subdued performance, which yet again leaves me with an impression of him being constantly confused on screen. My problem with the film was that I did not really find it „eye-opening“, the word which critics largely used. Everybody with brains (hence everyone who would watch such a film) knows there are single women who go to spermbanks, that there are people who would never accept gays, that there are molested children. The film says that these things exist. And that´s all. All four stories are hardly related to each other, in fact they seemed rather forcibly put together, and their length (or rather shortness) did not give me a chance to feel into the characters, or even like them. It was all too shallow, simple „touch and run away“.

Game

Directed by: Abhinay Deo

Starring: Abhishek Bachchan, Kangana Ranaut, Anupam Kher

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

This one was a surprise. I am one of those who think Abhishek Bachchan simply lucked out because of his surname, and I maintain this belief. But there are films where he proves he is a capable actor too and Game is one of those. In fact, I really, really liked the first 45 minutes. The way the story was presented was nothing less but exciting for me. But once the EXCELLENT Anupam Kher disappeared from the film, it went down the hill. Maybe also because really good Boman Irani was too very soon eliminated from the story. From a very promising plot, which was well built up at first, the movie in mere minutes transformed into mediocre thriller with terribly placed background music and a speed of a snail. Abhishek is quite good, although I don´t understand why he has to play a "genius" so often, because seriously, he doesnt convince you of being one. Kangana, I feel, is a one time wonder. I recall how astounded I was by her in Fashion, but since then my rating of her as an actress sloops lower and lower everytime I see her. In this she is the weekest and yet again doesn´t really make me want to go and watch her some more. Lots of stories are left unfinished in this. Pity? Good? Not quite sure.

Bunty aur Babli

Directed by: Shaad Ali
Starring: Rani Mukherjee, Abhishek Bachchan, Amitabh Bachchan
Released: 2005

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Rakesh lives in a small city. Most of the time he spends daydreaming about his future career – and to his parent´s grief he does not aspire to become a ticket collector on train like his father. He wants to be successful and rich, a name everyone will know. His brain comes up with new bussiness plans and ideas of how to make money quickly and effectively. As of now he would like to start a bussiness of letting people to take a shower (that by the way is on the roof of his house and visible from everywhere, but nobody seems to mind), but his dreams are big and bigger. And then his father gives him an ultimatum: to go to a job interview or to leave the house. Stubborn Rakesh chooses the latter.

Vimmi lives in a small city. She is a clever girl, very much in love with her own beauty. She too has big dreams – of becoming a successful model and Miss India. However her parents have quite different ideas and they arrange her marriage with a suitable boy. They are shocked, that the girl is not excited over the prospect of „eating, drinking, walking and sleeping according to her in-laws wishes“ and even more shocked when one day, to avoid the wedding and have her path to modelling clear, Vimmi simply runs away from home.

The only entertainment in the village is the ritual dance among the naked men.

Neither Vimmi nor Rakesh are successful on their own. After bumping into each other on a dark night (and an escort to a loo) Vimmi and Rakesh find out their dreams are similar. They decide to go together to Mumbai and there their dreams are going to become true for sure, right? In need of money for the journey, Vimmi and Rakesh con a businessman who previously stole one of Rakesh´ s schemes and made money presenting it to be his own. And since they are very much successful and they both find conning really amusing, they continue to earn like that. Under the nicknames Bunty and Babli they steal from the rich and what they don´t need they give to the poor. Slipping easily into any avatar – be it the food inspectors, rich NRIs or local guides, they manage to pull of anything without getting into trouble. And once they reach Mumbai, they realize, they learned to love this exciting lifestyle, which also gives them both a lot of „fame“. Looting and stealing, deceiving and lying, they become the most notorious criminals of India. And what more – they fall in love with each other. But shadow is slowly creeping over their happiness. Because a certain ACP Dashrath Singh is following them like a hunting dog and the purpose of his life has practically became just to find them and put them behind bars. And he will go to any lenghts to do so...

Shed off your clothes and take a nice, cold shower for only 5 rupees per minute!

In a way I was scared it was going to be one of those done-to-death „follow your dream“ films, but I was proved wrong. The story (definitely not without a reason) reminds one of the famous american gangster jodi Bonnie and Clyde, however Bunty aur Babli lack any possible dark or drastic moments. Stealing for Bunty and Babli is something exciting and it provides adrenalin, but there is not one second when you could possibly imagine them killing someone. The story is actually not the main strength of the film. What makes it worth watching are the performances from all three main leads. I was never crazy about Abhishek Bachchan and I still find him rather uninteresting and not-overload of talent. He is usually not capable of becoming a character that he doesn´t primarily understand, but Bunty is definitely his forte. Fun-loving, ambitious and...well.... young a heart he delivers a very good performance (except for some dancing.... but more on that later). Rani Mukherjee is just perfect. Vivacious and bit spoilt, confident and strong-willed, she gets your love as soon as you set your eyes upon her. In fact, Abhishek plays second fidle to her, but they both brilliantly compliment each other, plus their chemistry is undeniable. Amitabh Bachchan is …... cool I believe is the word here. And he gets all the attention as soon as he is in the frame. But then – what else is new?

The film (that I would easily recommend as a whole family watch) has a tremendous repeat value. There is nothing particularly GREAT in the way the story is told, nothing that would really stuck in your mind, and so you don´t get bored watching it again. What does stay in mind however is the soundtrack, that is simply superb. Energetic Dhadak Dhadak gets you dancing, Chup Chup Ke weaves romantic magic. Those two are probably the best tracks. Then there is of course the oh-so-famous Kajra Re, which is always better watched then listened to. Vaibhavi Merchant´s choreography has made history and Aishwarya Rai got fair ammount of attention during this short appearance of hers. True, seeing her making eyes on Amitabh is a little weird knowing he would actually become her father-in-law, but it doesn´t ruin the song´s appeal. Another big dance number is Nach Baliye, and here the dancing is somehow.... bad. The choreography has some good moments (like the „wave“ Rani creates being lifted by the dancers at one point) and the female part of Bunty aur Babli shakes the leg with an obvious pleasure, but Abhishek on the dance floor is like a lamb lost in the woods.

So if you want to know how to sell a national monument or loot a market center, hit the play button of Bunty aur Babli.

There is DEFINITELY something wrong with this picture...