Om Shanti Om

Directed by: Farah Khan

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Deepika Padukone, Arjun Rampal, Kirron Kher, Shreyas Talpade

Released: 2007

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

While I do not hold Farah Khan in high esteem as a director, she did something remarkable and created a film which has been terribly important in my personal Bollywood journey, and so enjoyable that it easily ranks in my top ten Indian films. Om Shanti Om is like a gigantic puzzle box. There is truly everything you may ask for in a film – puppy love, eternal love, slapstick humour, subtle humour, tragedy, action, memorable dialogues, great soundtrack.... and when it all comes together it just clicks and works wonders. Nothing speaks more in favour of the film that even though it is stuffed to the broom with film-references and making good-natured fun of the style of Indian filmmaking, it has become my number one choice of recommendation whenever Bollywood beginners ask me to show them a film. They know nothing about Bollywood, yet all of them like Om Shanti Om with all the quirks and in spite of not understanding any of the underlying jokes (and having no idea who that bunch of people randomly appearing in Deewangi Deewangi are).

Shahrukh Khan is allowed to over-play his already dramatic antics and as a result we get two delightfully different, yet both completely over the top heroes: Om Kapoor the goofy, star-struck movie fan, who lives only for his dream of becoming a star and gaining love of the gorgeous Shantipriya, the dream girl of the silver screen; and Om Kapoor the spoilt brat and arrogant actor who takes everything for granted. They only really become one and the same person as they near their destiny – the goofy bubble-gum 70s Om finds his doom in flames, that also shockingly take away Shantipriya, the irritable 00s Om upon realizing that he has unfinished business from his previous life. His over-dramatic acting is spot on and exactly what the film needs. And Dard-E-Disco is the greatest item song Bollywood has produced and you cannot tell me otherwise, capturing both the fun and ridiculousness item songs stand for.

I could not but oogle over Deepika Padukone (and her stunning, stunning wardrobe throughout the film), who, though dubbed, gave a very confident and good debut performance. Her expressions and eyes speak a language of their own, even if the voice is not hers. She is glamorous and perfect as Shanti. The whole supporting cast is apt and excellent, Arjun Rampal giving you the necessary creeps, Kirron Kher both amusing you and breaking your heart as typical filmi Maa, Shreyas Talpade with his adorable and undying support to Om´s dreams. Not to mention all the array of stars and superstars who agreed to do a cameo. The whole Filmfare awards bit was utterly hilarious also thanks to impeccable comic timing of Abhishek Bachchan and Akshay Kumar. And how heartening it was to see Rishi Kapoor and Subhash Ghai, who “opened” the whole film, fighting over a microphone? That is one of those golden moment that make Om Shanti Om so endearing.

THIS

IS

NOT

OK (did I mention I am pyrophobic?)

The film is visually opulent, nothing short of Bhansali level of opulence actually. The aesthetics of it appealed to me greatly as they stem from my beloved Art Noveau, which gives for example the green-rooms corridor almost a fairy-tale look. Another wonderful thing are all the beautiful painting by Alfons Mucha on the walls. The songs are skillfully choreographed and also magnificent, from romantic randez-vous in a film studio for Mein Agar Kahoon, to fabulously theatrical Dastaan, clearly inspired by the big masquerade scene from the Phantom of the Opera. And they are all beautiful. Except for Dar-E-Disco which is not beautiful, but totally fab in its own right as mentioned above. The lyrics “Now I am a wanderer, and a lover of disco, as I wander around London, Paris, New York, L.A., San Francisco!” are a true gem.

Do...

you......

.....hear his heart breaking?

As you can already tell, I adore this film. I dare to go as far as to compare Om Shanti Om with another Bollywood extravaganza – Amar Akbar Anthony – even though the latter is without doubt on a whole another level of iconic. The right mix of stuff that ranks from touching to pretty much crazy, with logic loopholes that one couldn´t care for any less, since it is simply all just too much fun. It is a well known fact that Om Shanti Om is an unofficial remake of Karz, which in turn was a remake of Madhumati, all films dealing with the themes of revenge “from beyond the grave”, with reincarnation being the turning point. It is also remarkable that unlike another set of remakes (based on the trope of separated twin siblings), all these films are memorable and great. Farah Khan simply took the story and filled every scene with potshots on almost every aspect of Hindi films. However these are all taken with much love and never even border on insulting. Om Shanti Om is both a parody of Bollywood and at the same time appreciates most of what makes it distinct and special.

D-Day

Directed by: Nikhil Advani

Starring: Irrfan Khan, Arjun Rampal, Rishi Kapoor, Huma Qureshi, Shruti Hassan

Released: 2013

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Being neither Pakistani nor Hindustani I cannot really judge if the film was hurtful in sentiment, but truth to be told I did not feel like either side was made heroes or villains. In fact both sides are shown as showing no mercy or thinking twice about sacrificing lives of common folk while going after their goal – which is what they believe will secure their country. I don´t think anyone should imagine their country is not doing these things.

Inspired by the foul deeds of Dawood Ibrahim, D Day is about an attempt of four RAW agents trying to capture a man behind terrorist attacks from Pakistan, where he is hiding with the approval of local authorities, and to escort him back to India. Carefully planned and almost successful operation „Goldman“ takes place during Dawood´s son´s wedding. Unfortunately things go wrong and the four agents find themselves trapped in the streets of Karachi, pursued by both Dawood and their own Hindustani agency, who has quickly decided to give up on them and terminate them as unwanted evidence. How to lure them out though? Maybe some of them have weaknesses. Maybe some of them have families.

D Day is a skillfully crafted picture and possibly the best action thriller coming out of Bollywood last year. I was positively shocked to find out Nikhil Advani, the man behind the whiny glycerine-fest Kal Ho Na Ho, was the director. The pace was really good, even if it slowed down a bit in the second half, the work with numerous flashbacks seamless and effective. There are quite many characters and all are given at least some backstory - Irrfan´s is the best explored since it moves the plot. I was hoping to see more of Huma and Arjun´s past and relathionships, but that never happened, possibly because it would slow the film down too much. I think the weakness of the story was the fact that way too many things happen seemingly without reason. For example - why kill off the prostitute? And why does one of our protagonists suddenly decide to blow everything up, even though there is really no need for such drastic measures? And when did Irrfan and Arjun made that last bit of a plan up??? After a little stale bit we spent with our protagonists in hiding, the renewed tempo of the climax is refreshing, superb and again the whole scene very well edited, switching between thrills and emotions.

Actors do a solid job, with Irrfan being (not surprisingly) the best among them. Arjun Rampal as a silent, expressionless soldier without past fits the role and so does well, Huma Qureshi screams a bit too much from time to time but you believe her at any given moment. Shruti Hassan has a small role, is lovely to look at and in beautiful song Alvida her eyes steal the show by telling a story on their own. Her dialogue delivery sucks - something 90% of young actresses these days struggle with. Rishi Kapoor is brilliant. There is really nothing you can complain about when it comes to him. His mannerism and command over voice are remarkable.

I truly enjoyed the movie. It had just the right mix of mystery, thrilling stuff and emotions, it didn´t feel too stretched out of reality at any point, it was very "human" without any emotional blackmail involved. It was dark and rough, but not graphic. Definitely one of the better films of 2013. I repeat, I cannot say if it was politically correct or not. But strictly as a film, it was well made.

Dil Ka Rishta

Directed by: Naresh Malhotra

Starring: Arjun Rampal, Aishwarya Rai, Ishaa Koppikar, Paresh Rawal, Rakhee Gulzar

Released: 2003

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Was this a film or an Argentinian soap opera? Can´t decide for the life of me. It reminds one of a train wreck (or should I say a car wreck?) - you inwardly know from the start it´s going to be horrible to watch, but you just keep on watching. Mostly because you have no idea what to do and the feeling of being utterly helpless against silliness they are trying to sale you by being all so serious. This is definitely one of those films one wonders how did everybody manage to keep a straight face.

Who´s this guy anyway?

Arjun (with some really weird, unflattering hair that kept distracting me) plays a wealthy guy Jai, who supports charity and has a habit to talk to his dead mother´s anklets in time of need. He falls in love literally on the first sight with a beautiful teacher Tia (Aish) and soon after proposes to her. Much to his unpleasant surprise Tia is already in a relationship with a perfect guy, and hence Jai has to satisfy himself with creeping up on the couple here and there with painfully unfitting joyful music in the background as he does that (Hey hey hey... la la la.....). After he drinks too much one night, Jai causes a car accident. He survives, but his friend Anita (short and useless role for Isha Koppikar) dies on the spot as well as – gasp – Tia´s husband! Tia herself survives, but looses her memory. Her amnesia is that special Bollywood kind (see also Jab Tak Hai Jaan) when reminding her would kill her you know.

Because in Bollywood you´re supposed to root for creepers.

So now we have Jai, who, instead of going to jail for killing two people because he was driving totally drunk, offers Tia´s mom (Rakhee fuming flames and basically just waiting for Karan Arjun even though she´s in a different movie) he would whisk her, Tia and Tia´s little son into South Africa, where nobody can remind Tia of her past, and he would tell her the baby is his and Anita´s. Tia accepts all this without questions and pretty much from the next day till the end she keeps blabbering how important it is to move on from those who died (HA! If only you knew you´d be the mopy one!) and does everything in her power to romance Jai, who in his turn has bad conscience.

Mere Karan Arjun aayenge!

For God´s sake snap out of it, woman!

Indeed, every ten minutes felt like an episode of a soap opera, with mood swings and silly reasons for action. The ending is abrupt and pretty much useless. If you´re waiting for some drama when Tia remembers – she is probably the first on screen character who doesn´t and happily falls in the arms of her old creeper.

Arjun is a poor actor. I used to be quite impressed by him, but more films I see the more clear it is to me how limited and repetitive he is. There is no passion in him, and while his voice is pleasant to listen to, the intonation is far from being utilized. Aishwarya is better than him, but as much as I think she rocks in subtle, quiet, dignified and mature roles, she is a major pain in bubbly/funny/girly ones – and this is one of the latter. Somebody should stop her from laughing on screen! She dances beautifully, but no song is truly memorable, and to put give you a shocking news, I don´t think she looked good in the film either.

Dil Ka Rishta is a bubblegum nonsense, a kind of story I imagine Danielle Steel putting together to make some of her female readers teary-eyed. Not worth your time if you´re looking for recommendation.

Yo te quiero Don Jai!

Heroine

Directed by: Madhur Bhandarkar

Starring: Kareena Kapoor, Arjun Rampal, Helen

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Rather tiring, though not without potential, Heroine wanted be a glimpse into the "real" dynamics of the "reel" world, but it doesn´t offer an engaging story. Comparing this work of Bhandarkar´s to Fashion is not in place at all. Fashion had tempo, drive, progressive storyline, more than one interesting character. It was a good film. Heroine on the other hand is a never ending depression without the taste of success and cannot boast of anything - with the exception of Kareena Kapoor. Not even the glamorous bit of what is Bollywood is shown. Parties seem boring, photoshoots unhappening and award shows on the scale of local school´s recitals. Not even well-costumed but badly choreographed Halkat Jawaani salvages that.

In a way Heroine is not about the film industry or uncovering its vices. I don´t think there is anything that would shock anybody at least a bit familiar with film world and tabloids. Affairs, manipulations, promotional strategies, drugs and alcohol - we have heard about it way too often to be shocked when presented that in a movie today. Heroine is rather like being locked inside Mahi Arora´s mind without a possibility of ever getting out. One cannot see beyond what Mahi is seeing, cannot think beyond what is going on in Mahi´s head at the moment. And since Mahi is way too obviously emotionally unstable and completely unsuitable for the profession she decided to pursue, one feels uneasy the whole time. Mahi´s minor ups are immediately becoming deep lows. In spite of the film being completely about her, it is extremely difficult to actually give a proper description of Mahi. There are too many things never told or even touched. Who is Mahi? Where did she come from? Why did she start to act? Why is she the person she is? 

Not even her relationships are explored, although they obviously are the most important thing for Mahi. Her mother makes few brief appearances, but we get nothing but some well-meant, yet unconvincing lecturing. We get a glimpse of Mahi´s psychiatrist, who actually gives her an important impulse, but she is lost in the next moment. Divya Dutta proves her versatility as painfully realistic and even ruthless PR, but again, she is completely sidelined. Mahi´s love affairs with two different men are presented in a very one-dimensional way. And there are other people and other relationships presented, but never looked back again. One in particular was wasted - with briefly appearing legendary Helen. There could have been so much to that particular relationship, especially considering the climax.

The beginning seems to be a middle of some other film, the ending is a huge huge let down. After everything Mahi (and the viewer) has been through, we only get 30 seconds of a dull hint that fame sucks when you cannot bear it. Truth is, that the feeling of disappointment is something one gets throughout the whole picture. So many opportunities up for grabs, hardly any taken. When I think about it, we never really even get to know how big star Mahi is. Is she at the top, up there with the greatest, or is she simply just another actress with few hits under her belt, but loosing her position as soon as she makes one wrong step? To me it actually seemed Mahi Arora was some show-piece B-grade starlet whom nobody would take seriously. We get to see few bitchy actresses whom she is pitted against in the race for a role, but there is hardly any sense of competition. In this, more than anything else, I was lovingly remembering Fashion, where the rat race among models was chilling and unmerciful and one could truly feel it.

Kareena Kapoor delivers a nearly flawless performance. She is not over the top, she is Mahi. And Mahi is mad. She is mental and desperate. Eager to learn, but continuously surprised that things don´t last. Occupied by herself and absorbed in herself, pathetically indecisive and not sure of what she wants. I was not sorry for Mahi. She was too unfit for what she was doing and brought most of the bad things upon herself without anybody´s help. At the same time Kareena definitely sends out genuine feelings and emotions. She is not artificial crying machine – something that could have easily happened had some other actress taken up the role. The supporting cast is fine, but without much impact, Arjun´s dialogue delivery was so extremely monotonous I could cry. It was lovely to see Helen. To sum it up Kareena Kapoor delivers, Madhur Bhandarkar does not.

We Are Family

Directed by: Sidhart Malhotra

Starring: Kareena Kapoor, Kajol, Arjun Rampal

Released: 2010

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I never expect much from remakes, but I´m always giving them a chance. I have seen some good ones over the years, some not good ones but still enjoyable, and some even better then the original. Unfortunatelly „We are family“ doesn´t fit any of those cathegories.

So what have we here? It has been three years since Aman and Maya got divorced, but obviously they are absolutely at ease with each other. They have three children, all healthy, reasonably happy and unreasonably annoying. The idylic life continues up until the moment Shreya falls into it (literally). She is Aman´s girlfriend, and that combined with one ruined birthday cake makes her an evil witch for the children. Unlike Maya she has career ambitions, and though she honestly loves Aman, taking care of his three hyper-sensitive and hysterical children is not her idea of a day spent well. Plus she has no idea how to do so either. So the next thing you know she is left with them all alone for a whole day. She does her best. She cooks for them. She takes them out for an ice-cream. She tries to be friendly. They behave like the worst bunch of spoilt brats (OK – to be fair, this is mostly about the eldest one). And in the end of the day Maya demands that Sherya should never ever be left alone with her innocent little angels (a slap or two once in a while would do them all good!), because she represents danger to them. Why should they get friendly with a person their father loves anyway? And they don´t need another mother. Or do they?

Will you take care of my three annoying kids and over-submissive ex-husband?

Sure. That is my childhood fantasy.

But soon enough Maya finds out that she has cervical cancer. Aman´s immediate reaction is to break up with Shreya, then he moves back in with Maya to ensure children and her will be looked after. But now Maya sees that it just may not be enough.... and she herself asks Shreya to give up her career, all her dreams and come to take her place with completely everything from dressing the three bratty kids in the morning to baking cookies for the family.... I think that most of you already can guess the outcome of the film.

WAF (known among many Bollywood fans more appropriately as WTF) is lame. And if you don´t think it was lame, then you cannot call it anything else but average. And it is also a great example of how a moving story can turn out awkward. I did not understand why it takes place in Australia. There is not ONE reason for that. And I did not understand why Kareena Kapoor got a Supporting actress award, when she is so clearly the main lead. Kareena is the true saving grace of the film. Her character could very easily turn into an unlikeable one, especially seen through traditional Indian eyes. She was „the other woman“. But she managed to be just wonderful and you cannot help but rooting for her in everything she does. There is both subtlety and strength in her character, the whole range of emotions and she approaches the role with a mature understanding. Kajol too does more then well, after all she is one of those actresses who cannot be bad, sadly the script lets her down a big time. There is really not much she can do except slowly fading away – and making herself rather unlikeable with constant jealousy and over-protectiveness.

I promise I´ll do the dishes just gimme one decent dialogue!

Arjun is lost between the two women. Even little Anjali and Ankush take over him when it comes to both screen-time and screen-presence. Which is rather sad, because he is a fine actor and his jodi with Kareena was delightful in the few romantic scenes we were given. His pairing with Kajol though doesn´t work at all. He is not only sidelined, but has really no place in the film, and probably realizes what it was to be a heroine in the 80s (used as an excuse for a plot and then to disappear into oblivion). The children are casted well, if they were meant to be annoying that is. While „Anjali“ and „Ankush“ loose the annoy-me factor througout the film and become cute, „Aleya“ maintains her coldness and over-acting. The two younger kids manage to create some bond with Kajol (Arjun is yet again left out of his own family), but Aleya is completely out of place from beginning to end.

They need a) a book b) a crown c) a tight slap.

The scenes with a potential to be moving are killed off by either 1. over-the-top hysteria, 2. done-to-death dialogues, 3. awful music. The last factor was particularly disturbing. The main theme is lovely to hear once, but it keeps returning again and again without any change to it, and soon enough becomes cringe-worthy. The emotional moments are marked by unforgivably insensitive rock song and do not even get me started at the horrendous Jail House rock remake – both the song and picturization (or the pointlessness of that whole scene. Dying mother wants to show her family that she is fun now. Like really?)

Instead of sobbing heartily I caught myself thinking about the fried chicken with chips about 20 minutes before the end. The artificial, straight-forward tear jerker made me hungry, but definitely not for more.

Arjun Rampal. The modern day version of the 80s Bollywood heroine.

Films I did not bother to finish

New York

Directed by: Kabir Khan

Starring: John Abraham, Katrina Kaif, Neil Mukesh, Irfaan Khan

Released: 2009

How much I could take: 48 minutes 17 seconds

New York the city is full of life, dangerous, fascinating, thrilling and engaging. New York the 2009 Hindi film is a total snooze-fest. What was it about? I´m not sure. I remember some police raid, Irfaan being a bad cop during some interrogation that lead to flashback to fluffy college memories full of parties and playing rugby, Katrina having atrocious red sections in her hair and then there was some attempt for a little romance..... Yeah – and then the tragic events from 9/11 are shown, but by that time my mind was so completely turned into a jelly I did not really get what it had to do with anything..... Performances do not save the day – on the contrary! John and Katrina combo sends „New York“ to the deepest hell, Irfaan lacks his usual grip and Neil Mukesh disappears from your mind the moment he lefts the screen frame. This film might be ideal for putting your kids to sleep, but at the same time it might have seriously bad effect on their mental health. It sure disturbed mine.

Tees Maar Khan

Directed by: Farah Khan

Starring: Akshay Kumar, Katrina Kaif, Akshaye Khanna

Released: 2010

How much I could take: 36 minutes 14 seconds

Possibly the crappiest film of the whole 2010. There may be even worse ones, but they were not as half as hyped and talked about hence the disappointment and shock over the sheer stupidity was not THAT striking. After I was disgusted by the opening titles where some freaky dancing (and yet unborn) baby indulges in some serious adultery, I was offered a truly mindless and cheap humour which had me asking my own intelligence. I was never smitten by Akshay Kumar as an actor, but I always found him at least watchable, but here he annoyed me like hell from the first second. And when the groovy Sheila Ki Jawani (the ONLY good part of the film) ended and I was presented with Katrina Kaif whom my washing machine could give a lesson or two about natural acting my patience and good will waved bye bye and went to sunbath to Italy. The reviews were promising some hope in the form of my dear Akshaye Khanna, but all the idiocy going on completely killed any desire to wait for his appearance. Watch only if your IQ equals to the one of a wooden rocking horse or you´re on drugs.

Dil Toh Bachcha Hai Ji

Directed by: Madhur Bhandarkar

Starring: Ajay Devgn, Emraan Hashmi, Omi Vaidya

Released: 2011

How long I could take: 1 hour 34 minutes 36 seconds

What a MEH movie. It isn´t really anything - not a romance, not drama, not comedy.... in fact it is really just MEH..... It was supposed to belong to all the characters, but in the end it belonged to nobody. All the characters are very shallow and you don´t care one bit for any of them. I was waiting for some relationship development between the three guys, but there is none. They simply get introduced and are best friends the next second. The women they are chasing are meh. The music is meh. The jokes are non-existent. It terribly drags and you get the feeling you are still at the beginning, because nothing is really going on. It´s like three stories put together, but having absolutely nothing in common. Ajay and Emraan are totally wasted, even though Ajay again proves his versatility and Emraan his great charisma. Meh film. Not really worth it.

Raajneeti

Directed by: Prakash Jha

Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Ajay Devgn, Nana Patekar, Arjun Rampal

Released: 2010

How long I could take: 49 minutes 3 seconds

Raajneeti is a probably a good film and it only appears here because I did not understand it. Not one bit. I´m completely untouched by my country´s politics, and to venture into the Indian one is not my idea of fun. I had the best intentions and was even willing to suffer Katrina Kaif on screen, because I LOVE Nana Patekar, really like Ranbir Kapoor and Ajay Devgan and do not mind Arjun Rampal. But the great actors were, sadly for me, involved in scheming plots and occupied by affairs that I had a very difficult time understanding or even remembering them all. I was not bored by this one, not at all. I was lost, completely lost like a puppy in the jungles of Amazon. And so I did not finish it, even though it probably is, as I have already mentioned, a good film.