God Tussi Great Ho

Directed by: Rumi Jaffrey

Starring: Salman Khan, Priyanka Chopra, Amitabh Bachchan, Sohail Khan

Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

God Tussi Great Ho. And forgiving also. Otherwise You would have struck down the makers of this film with ten plagues of Egypt. There is no justification whatsoever, no excuse great enough, for the existence of this movie. A blunt remake of Hollywood film „Bruce Almighty“ is even more appalling than the stupid, but still enjoyable in bits, original with whacky Jim Carrey in the role of an ambitious, but unlucky TV journalist. Indian version gives us Salman Khan in his stead.

Arjun (Salman) is not only poor and unsuccessful, but he also doesn´t get along with his father, his sister is considered ugly, and his gorgeous and popular female colleague Alia has no incling whatsoever he is hopelessly in love with her. This young and healthy man, who has a house, family, 5 meals a day, a job and a potential girlfriend, however considers himself extremely unlucky and stubbornly believes God is against him in every way and plays His dirty games with poor Arjun for His own amusement only. Arjun curses God, calls Him names at every opportunity, and even more so after a new guy appears in the office and soon takes over not only his job but also steals his ideas and potential girlfriend. Now, wouldn´t that make you angry? Damn.

Ironically the best part of his wardrobe in the film.

God finally decides to give Arjun a proper lesson, and hence He has a personal talk with him and gives him all His powers, to make the world better according to his own judgment. Need I say that within days Arjun majorly screws up? And realizes God is right? Who is surprised raise your hand.

As I said before, the original film too was anything but great. But it was reasonably well acted, and most importantly.... it was here first (I dare not call it an original because my experience taught me very few things in the world are actual originals....). There is little to no difference between storyline, except of course Bruce made Jennifer Aniston´s boobs grow, and Arjun, being a nice Indian ladka (sporting shirts that would make Rishi Kapoor´s sweater collection proud) he makes his potential girlfriend a future bride.

How is that song again?

I´m walking on sunshine! Whoooo hoooo!

God Tussi Great Ho is extremely poorly executed. Salman is just pathetic, going through his dark phase between excellence that was Tere Naam and reinventing himself with Dabangg. His brother Sohail is, ironically, better in this (not a great deal considering how horrible everyone was in this film), then again he really isn´t someone you´d want to watch on screen. Priyanka Chopra is breathtakingly gorgeous, yet annoying and unconvincing. Then there is God playing Amitabh Bachchan.... I mean Amitabh Bachchan playing God, but apart from his amazing voice there is little that would make you go wow.

"You did not just say that!"

"I wanna report a Bollywood blasphemy that just occured in this review!"

The most cringe-worthy thing were definitely cheap CGI effects, that looked like a video game from the early 90s. Nothing looked real (or even pretty), and truly all was so artificial I started to doubt the film actually released in 2008. The only bearable bit of the whole film was Laal Chunariya song, which at least took the advantage of Priyanka´s beauty.

A comedy that is not funny is one of the most painful cinematic experiences one can endure. Looking back I can´t believe I actually sat through this movie, which easily ranks among the worst I´ve seen in my life. Spare yourself the pain. It is not worth it, not even if you are a fan of the actors. Unless you want to see God pulling off some bad Bollywood moves.

This is approximatelly how I felt when the film finally ended.

Race

Directed by: Abbas-Mustan

Starring: Saif Ali Khan, Akshaye Khanna, Anil Kapoor, Bipasha Basu, Katrina Kaif, Sameera Reddy

Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

With the upcoming Race two in the pipeline I decided to watch the first film, to see if I my expectations for the sequel should be high or low or even in existence, and also to understand the probable references to the first film should there be any (yes, in spite of knowing Bollywood sequels are rarely sequels at al.... more like an alternative reality story for the same characters, when nothing what we have seen actually happened).

Ranveer (Saif) and Rajeev (Akshaye) are two step-brothers, who at the first sight couldn´t be more in love with each other. Especially Ranveer is doting on his younger bhaiya, even giving up a sexy Sonia (Bipasha Basu) he himself is crushing on, just because Rajeev while drunk once blabs something about giving up alcohol should he get the gal. And so Ranveer with soaring heart makes sure they end up together. But if you think we are going the Sangam way here, you are mistaken. Because in Race nothing really is what it seems, in fact by the end of the film you grow suspicious even of apples and oranges. 

"Did you steal my conditioner?"

To sum it up just quickly: we have a deadly-silent older brother (he is the good one, the one who only kills people who want to kill him, otherwise you´re cool), a more vocal sharaabi younger brother (who kills anyone he needs to be out of the way), a dusky Sonia (who sleeps with the brother she is not married to), a fair long-legged secretary (Katrina Kaif after a disturbing lip job, and dubbed – which doesn´t help as the dubber is even worse than Katrina´s normal voice and diction), and a bit later let enter an amazingly uncool police investigator (Anil Kapoor) who manages to devour just about every fruit that exists on the planet, and his completely dumb 20-something assistant (Sameera Reddy), and they all want their big fat share of paisa. Everyone works with everybody to deceive everyone else.

After a rather boring and unhappening 40 minutes the film gets a good tempo and there is definitely no shortage of twists - some of which I guessed beforehand and some that were completely unexpected (like yeah, I actually was willing to believe Katrina´s character was the only good girl in the whole thing). The dialogues in those first 40 minutes were extremely cringeworthy, consisting mostly of real everyday stuff like "let´s have lunch" and "good morning". The ending should have been tighter and explaining seemed too lengthy.

"Om-nom-nom-nom."

Congratulations to Abbas-Mustan. What a brilliant move to involve the super-annoying Sameera Reddy in a stupid role that made me want to smack her face so badly. Brilliant, because she makes Katrina look a blessing and I am not even sarcastic! I don´t know why Anil signs such embarrassing roles. To see him with girls so much younger than him is just weird. And it´s not like he is evolving as an actor with roles like these. Saif is good, so is Bipasha (although I just cannot bring myself to believe her whenever she acts the good one - she just looks so cunning all the time!), but the real show-stealer is the ever-underrated youngest Khanna. He was brilliant. I guess bad movie choices were his doom, because he is easily among the most convincing and versatile actors I´ve seen Bollywood in the past 20 years. 

Songs try too hard to be sexy, but came off as boring. The actresses are way too obviously put „out there“, in case of Zara Zara song Katrina is actually looking more completely desperate for attention rather than being mysterious or seductive, there is nothing intricate or really feminine about the presentation of „sexy“. Made by guys, for guys, I guess. Also the comedy track was completely off. It served no purpose and wasn´t really funny either. Race is a fine watch, that could have been better. Tighter. Quicker. More stylish. Challo, maybe the second one will learn from the mistakes?

When your favourites disappoint

They say you only are a true fan if you are willing to suffer through your favourite´s god-damn-awful filmography. Bad films happen. To everybody from Dilip Kumar to Akshay Kumar. Sometimes they are not even really that bad, but somehow disappointing and weak. Some of such films of some of my favourite actors to follow.

Jodi Breakers

Directed by: Ashwini Chaudhary

Starring: Madhavan, Bipasha Basu, Omi Vaidya

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I tried to watch the film before, but turned it off after first 15 or so minutes, but then I told myself I may not want to be as harsh, after all Madhavan is my teddy-bear. Sadly his presence doesn´t save the film, and the character he plays is actually one of the most annoying loosers I´ve seen on screen. Bipasha is way too unbelievable with her innocent act and the two have no chemistry. The film has one of the dumbest twists (and resolves) ever. So he destroys somebody else´s marriage so his ex-wife can get a rich new husband and he gets his car back? Really? And I am supposed to root for this person? And frankly I didn´t see s single reason what would Sid need Sonali as his partner anyway, thus even the basic plot doesn´t really make sense. To top it all Omi Vadiya was completely annoying as a sex God from the high heavens. In one word: lame. Why was Helen in this?

.....

Paa

Directed by: R. Balki

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Vidya Balan, Abhishek Bachchan

Released: 2009

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I guess some films are just overrated. After having a shock from rather awkward subtitles narrated for whatever reason by Jaya Bachchan, I was kept waiting .... and waiting for the awesomeness praised by the critics to appear, but it never did. The story deals with a very sad issue of progeria, a rare disease causing the body to age before its time – and that very rapidly. The main character, a twelve years old boy Auro, suffering from the condition, actually has a body of an 80 year old. And what more – he doesn´t have a father. Or rather, doesn´t know him. After all this father did not want a child and only because Auro´s mother refused to go for an abortion and left her partner was the child born. The fate however brings the family together again. Everybody in the film does an OK job. From Abhishek to Amitabh, who did not really understand what age he is trying to act. Instead of a 12 years old his handling of the character made Auro seem like barely 7 years old boy. He did well, don´t get me wrong, but nothing overly impressive. I had the same problem with Sridevi in Sadma, where she is supposed to act like 7 years old, but instead gives an impression of a four-year-old, and that does a hell lot of a difference. Vidya is the best of the lot, but is criminally deprived of deserved screen time by the male protagonists. If anything the movie should have been named Maa, because what I took from the film was really the assurance that love of a mother is above everything.

.....

Bhootnath

Directed by: Vivek B. Sharma

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Aman Siddiqui, Juhi Chawla, Shahrukh Khan

Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Not one, but two favourites included – Shahrukh and Juhi – and yet... oh Mr. Sharma this is a perfect example of wasting great acting talent. When you have actors like this you don´t give all the screentime to a kid. Bhootnath is a fine film for children, but far from a great piece of cinema the director presents it till this day.

Shahrukh, the freakingly handsome in his white uniform sea cruise captain moves his wife and son into a new house, not caring everybody says it is haunted. He promptly leaves and his wife invests all her time to attempts to make the new living space more comfortable, while their son soon discovers the house is indeed haunted by a grumpy and dirty old ghost. In no time, they become friends. There are way too many question concerning the ghost (sometimes he can´t touch things, sometimes he can, he apparently eats and can shave and wash..... way too many supernatural powers for one sad soul if you ask me, and pretty much defying everything one would imagine when it comes to ghosts), but I guess children wouldn´t really mind. However the kids should not be too demanding. There is nothing scary or hilarious about the story and the situations shown. See, I don´t even know what else to write. Watch and forget movie.

U, Me aur Hum

Directed by: Ajay Devgn
Starring: Ajay Devgn, Kajol, Divya Dutta, Sumeet Raghavan
Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Though we can doubt Ajay Devgn´s good taste when it comes to atrocious Hinglish title (which could very easily turn into a nice Mein, Tum aur Hum), his ambition to stamp his authority on all branches of cinema is nothing to be dismissed easily. U Me aur Hum is a proof of this. From direction, to acting as the male lead, scripting the story and production he has the power over all, the film apparently being a cherished baby of his. However though giving it absolutely all (including his own wife), this off-spring does not turn out what the parent has once imagined.

It all starts highly simply. Ajay meets Piya (Kajol) on a lavish sea cruise and it is a love at first sight for him, while she finds him kinda creepy. To win her over Ajay chooses one of the safest ways – he reads her scrapbook/diary and immediately takes advantage of knowing her preferences – without being told. And isn´t every girl´s dream to find a guy who can read your every wish in your eyes? So Ajay turns a dog-lover, a dance champion and many others things in mere days, in spite of never being a single of those things before boarding the ship. But his love is true, you see, and finally he confesses to his deed to Piya, who is naturally very disappointed and asks him to leave. He does, but makes her promise to think about their relationship and leaves her his phone number. It takes some time, but because this is a love story movie she of course calls. And they get married. Just like that. Ther life could not be more happy actually. True, Piya gets rather forgetful, but otherwise nothing spoils the joy, especially when she gets pregnant.

"I luv uuuuuu!"

"Creepy is the new sexy."

But what if a mere forgetful was to turn out to be an a slowly advancing Alzheimer? Because that actually is what her occasional, but still more frequent and serious blank outs of memory are. And even thought you have suspected nothing something is wrong, this definitely comes as a nasty surprise. Up until that moment a highly boring film speeds up and I had to witness Kajol forgetting the most basic things. That she is married. That she is pregnant. That she has given birth. That her baby in in the tub full of water!!! Her black outs get more and more serious and scary as the disease is rapidly progressing. And there is more uneasy to watch stuff in store. Ajay suffering. Ajay admitting his wife into a medical center. Ajay wanting to take her home again. Kajol screaming. Kajol screeching. Kajol crying. Ajay weeping. You can be 100 % sure you shall feel next to physically sick by the end of the film – that ironically (and illogically) returns to the blissful pinky coloured mood of the beginning.

To watch this woman loosing her mind at times was just too painful.

More then sad I found the movie incredibly disturbing, and that in a very unpleasant manner. The great performances by both Ajay and Kajol, and equally as great Divya Dutta and Sumeet Raghavan in supporting roles, nothing could justify for me the terrible pointlessness of the suffering described. Don´t get me wrong - I think they did a very good job portraying such a serious illness (though I´m sure some of it was not really accurate), but at times it was all just way too much - especially since the only possible message (of not leaving your loved ones alone when they need you) was rather too subtle and came too late in the film. Several times I considered not finishing the movie not because it would be bad, but because I felt sick watching it. The absolutely unbearable scene is the near drowning child and even though it´s clear the kid survives I could not watch that.

Chalo darling. You have Alzhemeir so let´s admit you into.... an aquarium!

Music was terrible, no plus points there, and the background score during the first hour was annoying.

Performances deserve a high rating, but I could not enjoy this film and I´m sure I don´t want to see it ever again. „Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance of all people“ claims the official motto. And sometimes the greatest distance is between beginning of the film to its end.

Ghajini

Directed by: A.R. Murugadoss

Starring: Aamir Khan, Asin

Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Once I finished this film I was not sure if I should feel guilty, because I thought it was actually quite good, but had only read negative comments so far. Maybe low expectation and the fact I have not seen Memento (of which this is a remake) helped, I don´t really know, but yes, I enjoyed the movie, except for the sugary ending.

But first things first. A rather nosy medicine student girl makes us aware of an existence of certain Sanjay Singhania (Aamir). He has a really cool macho hairstyle (caused by circumstances) and rather rare kind of amnesia – he is incapable of remembering anything for more than 15 minutes. The question naturally arises in everybody´s mind – how can such a person live – and that alone as he does? What keeps him going? Sanjay himself is painfully reminded of this everyday – revenge. Using elaborate system of paper notes, photo notes, map notes and not to forget body notes (from „Kalpana was killed“ spread proudly over his muscular chest to „take camera“ on his toe) he lives from fifteen minutes to another fifteen minutes, having nothing but the sense of pure hate for somebody named Ghajini. He knows he wants to kill this person (and few others). The problem is he has no idea who he is – or why exactly.....

Damn. I need a new tattoo so I´ll remember to buy toilet paper,

Through another nosy person – a policemen investigating one of the murders Sanjay has already committed, we are introduced to that reason, when he enters his flat without invitation, beats him up and reads his old diary (before Sanjay regains consciousness, chases him out of his flat and right under the wheels of a bus that is).

Once upon a time Sanjay Singhania was a successful businessman and Kalpana (Asin) was a good-hearted girl working as a junior artist in B-grade TV ads. They probably would have never crossed paths if Kalpana, to make herself interesting and seeing all the advances that it offers, starts spreading rumours about having an affair with him and their wedding being imminent. The news spreads like fire and becomes the talk of the town – and naturally reaches to respectable suited up Sanjay, who immediately decides to go and meet the girl whom he´s supposedly marrying. When they come face to face he is basically charmed off his pants, and eager to get to know the girl closer he gives her a false name and identity. And while he´s trying to figure out how to tell her he lied to her without risking loosing her love, Kalpana gets involved in a rather ugly matter of girl trade run by somebody named Ghajini. Who exactly Ghajini is, how big he is or what he does that makes him so powerful is never really explained, but you are given the idea when police covers up for him and his dark deeds. And Kalpana is soon going to suffer a sad fate of those who cross his path.

Today we offer you...

...three for the price of one!

The film is centered on and around Aamir in both timelines (present and past), with the rest of the cast being just shadowy figures, the way the character himself probably sees them. Except for Asin as Kalpana, who stands up greatly to both Aamir´s screen presence and talent, and fills the „past“ line with freshness and charm. As much as I have failed to see her appeal in Ready, where she was unforgivably wasted by a different Khan, that much I loved her here. In some of the scenes she actually reminded me a lot of another southern star Sridevi with her looks and cute expressions with slightly bulging eyes while quickly speaking. Kalpana, in spite of the first impression I had of her (silly, silly attention seeker) turned out to be actually very likeable and provided the only light and bright moments in such a dark film.

The „present“ time was considerably violent, sometimes perhaps unnecessarily so. Lingering on the details of Kalpana´s death was, I guess, meant to bring tears to my eyes, but the way it was presented actually made me sick and not teary. Aamir for once lets go of his boring subduedness (is that even a word?) and does well as a cute loverboy, but is excellent in his a half-mad, plotting and suffering avatar. His scenes did give me chills.

I wanted Chinese. You sent me Thai.

Music by Rahman failed to impress though, it wasn´t a disaster either. The play of colours used by cinematographer was interesting. While the „past“ was filled with colours reminding me a lot of Yashraj films, the „present“ was happening mostly in the night or in the darkness of Sanjay´s flat, where sun apparently has no place. The ending returns to vibrant colours and romance, but by that point I was disappointed with the climax, and I strongly felt that they should have let Sanjay die. Ghajini is basically a masalla, because it contains everything from comedy, romance to action and thriller, all in reasonably balanced doses. Just maybe the vial filled with violence slipped out of the cook´s hand and we got to see a lot more of it than most of us could digest.