Haider

Directed by: Vishal Bhardwaj

Starring: Shahid Kapoor, Tabu, Shraddha Kapoor, Kay Kay Menon, Irrfan Khan

Released: 2014

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

What to say? Everybody loved Haider. Or not? Everybody praised it. Or not? Perhaps there is still hope that others, just like me, ended up confused and uncomfortable as the closing titles rolled and Rekha Bhardwaj sang. Few things which distinctly stuck in my mind were the way pain and innocence on Shahid Kapoor´s handsome face transforming into insanity, the song picturized on the undertakers and then also the pristine, elf-like beauty which seems to radiate from Shraddha Kapoor´s very being. Then I also recall being grossed out at unnecessary gore and blood, and how I hate open endings.

Haider was probably the MOST universally praised movie of 2014, but somehow failed to click with me as a viewer. I am therefore unsure of even how to rate it. On one hand one has to admit this was something very unusual and as such a risk for a prolific Bollywood filmmaker, no matter what his previous track record. It also cannot be denied that the movie is extremely well acted, is well crafted. And finally this is what a good adaptation should look like – taking the essentials, directly referring to the original inspiration through the dialogues and even imagery, but still adding different background, contemporary touch and even its own twist. Oh - the two Salmans and their version of Mere Rang Mein was funny.

Yet for all this I could not bring myself to like the film. It disturbed me, but not moved me. I tried hard to immerse into the world of the characters, but for all my good will I remained a detached viewer. Part of it, at least in the beginning, probably has to do with me not having enough knowledge on the situation in Kashmir during the 90s. I felt it all a bit hazy as the bearded men wielding firearms kept running across the screen. Tabu´s large tragic eyes were completely believable, but for all her sadness I shed not a single tear for Ghazala (and I am a total crybaby. Like seriously, sometimes a simple happy hug on screen can turn me into a sobbing mess). Perhaps the realistic approach went against the film in the end, making it so credible I started longing for at least a bit of the damned escapist cinema. The songs were unnecessary (and quite forgettable), except for the theatrical Bismil, a take on the staged play from the original. Bhardwaj did better job as a composer this very year with Dedh Ishqiya. I also felt the movie was dragging, especially in the first half, and I made more than five breaks meanwhile.

What makes the experience worth it is without a doubt Haider himself – Shahid Kapoor in his best form post Kaminey. He becomes the character, leaving no trace of his stardom anywhere, not even as he dances with extreme energy and grace to „Bismil“. I do not think any other actor could match up to his standard in the scene when we for the first time see him „loosing his mind“, with a noose around his neck. Tabu and Irrfan Khan are both very good, though I perhaps expected something more from the former, given the amount of praise. Me and Tabu still have a long way to go, this being the first film where she actually does some acting. Kay Kay Menon is excellent. Shraddha Kapoor seems bit of a lost baby among others, but does a decent job, even though her character is only needed as a source of plot triggers (which do not even concern her).

I suppose that when asked, I am going to say that Haider is a good film. Just not really what I would watch repeatedly. Among Vishal Bhardwaj films I very much prefer his other Shakespearean venture in the form of Omkara, and at the cost of comitting a sacrilege, I would even give more points to his (often condemned) 7 Khoon Maaf.  

R... Rajkumar

Directed by: Prabhudeva

Starring: Shahid Kapoor, Sonu Sood, Sonakshi Sinha

Released: 2013

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

It goes without saying that Prabhudeva the director is stuck somewhere in the 90s and he seems to be immensely happy there. Which explains why, much like his previous movie Ramaiya Vastavaiya, R... Rajkumar doesn´t bring anything new or unexpected to the table. That in itself doesn´t mean that much, after all even movies that take a tried and tested formula can manage to be entertaining, and that, in the end, is really what counts. R... Rajkumar is good and enjoyable in bits, but overall I felt it was extremely random. In fact, it reminded one of those (in)famous Bollywood subplots that hop along the main story, just the main story here was completely edited out. You are left with comic sidekicks and romantic flavouring, but the great conflict that would be the driving machine of the film is omitted.

Stuff just happens in this story. Whatever little of actual motivation and reason is there gets introduced way too late for you not to question it. Who is this Rajkumar dude for the starters? He just randomly appears among two mortal enemies (one of whom is my favourite Sonu Sood) who try to dominate the trade of opium in some rural area, joins the gang of one and falls for the niece of the other (and since we are technically in the 90s this is the eternal and solid love at the first sight). Trouble only starts when the two gang leaders join hands and decide that the niece be shaadied to Sonu. After beating up all his goons our Rajkumar then declares he is "asli mard" who could take the gal away immediately but instead decides to marry her on the day decided for Sonu´s wedding. (aka he is a douche who doesn´t wanna pay for the wedding. So manly, yo.)

There is lots of beating goondas up and lots of threats that nobody cares for and the finale is over-dragged festival of (actually pretty gore) fighting between the hero and the villain while Sonakshi gets to stand aside and cry without a sound the whole time. The end is as random as the rest of the movie. What happened to Rajkumar and his lady love? From what I understand he is in drug business and just killed his boss. And she is a niece of a drug dealer too. Like... do they take over now, move to Kuala Lumpur, sell opium and drink champaigne with Russian mafia or what?

The stronger points of the movie are Shahid Kapoor and Sonu Sood, and - if you manage to surpress your frustration over such voluntarily waste of talent - Sonakshi Sinha. Soundtrack is good with already notorious Saree Ka Fall Sa being the best of the lot and mad fun to watch on screen. Shahid and Sonakshi are not at all a bad couple. While he seems quite natural throughout (and shows why he is the best male dancer in the industry), Sonakshi is slowly killing herself with her pathetic movie choices. Whatever she shows we have already seen, and not just once. The girl has it all and yet, she is now so incredibly boring to watch I could cry. I cannot even tell her characters apart (with the exception of Lootera) anymore. She is utterly gorgeous, but I wonder how long that will be saving her. Sonu Sood is a darling and proves yet again both his awesome physique as well as good comic timing. I would have married him.

R... Rajkumar is a timepass you cannot take seriously, and as such it can fulfill the ultimate goal of any movie: to entertain. If you love it, good for you, just don´t try to pass it onto others as great and quality cinema.

Jab We Met

Directed by: Imtiaz Ali

Starring: Shahid Kapoor, Kareena Kapoor

Released: 2007

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

If we were to make one of those obnoxious „the best of the past decade“ lists, then Jav We Met logically has to appear in it. And why just decade? It is one of those rare films that, I dare say, will always be relevant and loved. Appealing especially because of its simplicity and light-heartendess, yet not lacking emotions, Jab We Met is a great film with repeat value, that is given by a certain pleasant predictability of the plot, but at the same time being full of delightful surprises and funny twists.

Aditya Kashyap (Shahid) is a wealthy young man, who has interited a business from his late father not long ago. Yet he shows no interest in his work, and his personal life too is a mess. His mother had left the family years ago for another man, and the girl he loves is just getting married to somebody else. In a sudden moment of „burning out“, Aditya leaves his car and mobile phone on a street and after roaming aimlessly for hours he boards a train, without even knowing where it´s heading. Perhaps he would just let his loneliness and misery engulf him, perhaps he would have jumped out of the train, but instead he meets Geet, a young girl and, as it turns out, rather a nutcase!

Geet is everything Aditya is not. She doesn´t think, she just acts. She is confident and an optimist. She does what she wants. And she never shuts up. She is, in fact, the most talkative film character ever, it would seem, beating even Basanti from Sholay, yet staying „adorkable“ (while Basanti I just wanted to smack repeatedly with a dead fish or something). Within minutes Aditya is flooded with information. Where she is from, who are her relatives, where she studied and what was her dorm like and oh, by the way, she plans to elope and marry a guy her family would disapprove of. Within several hours and two missed trains later Aditya finds himself stuck with Geet in a cheap hotel, and then has to run away before the police, and finally soon after arriving at her home, he helps her to elope among other things.... And the wonderful thing about all this? We´re only as far as the interval!

Oh have we not seen the „opposites attract“ and „the jolly ones has a good influence on the moody one“ before? Sure we have (Junglee immediately springs to mind), but Jab We Met does great job with the same plotline, bringing lots of freshness, unseen situations and reaction, and ends on a rather crazy note, bringing us back to the endearing first half after some emotional bits, that easily could have swallowed the story and lead to a teary drama. But Imtiaz Ali did not let that happen. That Geet realizes what she wants doesn´t mean she is going to „grow up“ and be a perfect heroine repenting her previous wrong choices and turning into a responsible, obedient and shy maiden. She remains mad and we all love our Geet mad!

Kareena Kapoor probably found her role of a lifetime in the chatterbox Geet. And in return she gave her so much energy and life that Geet became pretty much iconic. Kareena is the soul of the film, believable in her dorkiness, madness and grief as well. At the same time it is impossible not to give credit to Shahid Kapoor. He may seem a bit overshadowed, because his character of Aditya lacks the drive and loudness of Geet, but in fact his restrained manner is just as believable and it is what makes Geet so unique – because we actually see the story told through Aditya´s point of view.

Adorned with pleasant song and painted with vibrant colours (yet not to the unrealistic point YRF likes to do it), Jab We Met is one of the high points of modern Bollywood filmmaking, proving that a simple romantic story will never really be out of fashion, and also gives me hope we have not seen everything just yet.

Teri Meri Kahaani

Directed by: Kunal Kohli

Starring: Shahid Kapoor, Priyanka Chopra, Prachi Desai

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I was expecting a fluffy and cute film but it turned out to be quite lame. Surprisingly enough it was not about reincarnation, which was the impression I got from the promos, but perhaps that would have made more sense in the end.

One by one, and for whatever reason not chronologically, we are presented three love stories that have one thing in common – they happen in a span of mere minutes. First it´s the Mumbai of the 60s, where in a big film studio an aspiring musician falls for a film star (whom he doesn´t know, even though he seeks job in films and she gets her own Filmfare cover from time to time. Huh.) However at the same time he acts way too familiar with a common girl who thinks he´s in love with her. And boom – she happens to be the filmstar´s best friend. This storyline, though weak in terms of script (and everything else), was watchable. Priyanka (looking gorgeous, no arguments there) had nothing much to do in a whole film, but Shahid as Govind, though unsuccessfully trying to recreate the Raj Kapoor magic, was more or less agreeable both as a character and as a performer at this point (it gets worse later). The sets creating scenery were too obviously painted to be taken seriously – or was that intentional to bring out the vibe of the era?

Second story moves forward in time to our present where Facebook and Twitter are a part of everyday life. A young college student breaks up with his girl, but two hours later falls in love with another. After much SMS messages they are full of true pyaar, which includes sending each other photos of their burgers etc etc, but the ex-girlfriend (who by the way initiated the break-up) decides she is jealous and makes public some unflattering pictures of the guy, to which he answers with posting her pictures. His new love doesn´t understand fun apparently and leaves him. Boo hoo. Let´s put a hood on and have some smart talks about how women are like alcohol. This storyline was hand down the worst. Not only neither of them looked the age they pretended to be, but all the messaging actually made them seem like 13 years olds. Especially the whole photo war between Krrish and Meera (WHO keeps photos like that in their phone anyway???). Super lame.

I was rather looking forward to the 1910s (oh the time when to sing in prison was illegal) bit, but it let me down. Lahore at that time was apparently full of horny girls waiting only for Shahid to rid them of their virginity. I am no expert on Indian culture, but from what I´ve seen and heard, looting a girl like that often leads to the guy being beaten up and worse, yet this guy is ruining every girl in sight and he walks freely in the city, without any father being distressed. And of course the girl who gets his heart is the one who doesn´t let him into her bed as soon as she sees him. Pure pyaar yet again. But alas her father is not inclined to marry his daughter off to a notorious womanizer who recently is in prison, and instead he weds her to a decent man he approves of. Bastard, nah? The „mass crowd“ scenes in this were anything but a „mass crowd“. It got better as it progressed, but the first impression really took its toll.

But if you have not understood already, all the stories are about TRUE PYAAR. And what Bollywood taught us? That PURE PYAAR always wins. And so you can be sure that confused filmstars will hop onto that train, that university students acting like prepubescent children will update their Facebook status, and that the director will conveniently and quietly kill off the girl´s decent husband so the womanizer can marry her instead.

Finally the question is – why? I did not understand the need for three different stories, that obviously had no connection between them. Did Kunal Kohli get three similar scripts and couldn´t decide so he rolled them all into one? That seems the most probable version to me.

Dil Bole Hadippa!

Directed by: Anurag Singh

Starring: Shahid Kapoor, Rani Mukherjee, Anupam Kher, Dalip Tahil

Released: 2009

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Veera Kaur is a self proclaimed "world-class cricket batsman, right- and left-handed", for sure the best one for miles around. However as a country girl travelling most of the time with a theater company, she doesn´t really get an opportunity to show her skills. On the other side of the world, in England, there lives Rohan, an accomplished captain of an English cricket team, up until the moment his father calls him back to India, where his own little team has been loosing for years. And even though it´s against a Pakistani team of his friend, he just really wants to win this time. Rohan, of course, leaves everything just to see his daddy gets a victory once in a while, and he becomes the new captain and starts auditions to find the best players.

No clever caption. Just enjoy her beauty.

What a better opportunity for Veera could ever come? However, you see, she is a girl, and as such not even allowed to audition. But taking an inspiration from her theater company, Veera does not give up – she throws away her kohl and bangles and becomes – Veer! Naturally now nobody has any objections against her being in the team. But this triumph has it´s disadvantages for Veera, one of them being forced to use men´s changing room. After being caught by Rohan in her female avatar in there, she quickly pretends to be Veer´s sister. And Rohan, after some arguing and bickering, falls in love with her....

Sometimes you have to forget you´re a woman...

...when you have man´s dreams.

But ouch! The pain of the changing room!

Few more meetings and Veera too falls for the handsome cricketer, trying as hard as she can to keep other girls away, as well as rediscovering the hindustani dil in him, that has been exposed to way too much English influence over the years. It is also easier for her to predict and guess what Rohan´s feelings and thoughts are, since he goes to be adviced to the person he considers Veera´s closest confidant – her brother Veer....

From English cool guy...

...back to the roots!

I am not a fan of sport films. They always show a man/woman who are in a way an outcast and should not be doing the sport or are past their peak, how they challenge everything and in the end overcome everything, make it to the big finale where they either win or loose, but if the latter, it has a deep moral subtext and they always earn more respect than the winner. There are sport films that, even though with the same formula, can step out of the mould (best example is Chak De India), but Dil Bole Hadippa is not one of them. It is quite enjoyable for one watch, but there is not really a repeat value and throughout I just felt something was missing and thus it all was incomplete. Especially once the final match starts, the film seemed boring – which was the exact opposite of what it should be.

Rani was just brilliant and her comic scenes were priceless, she owned the film completely, leaving just very little space for Shahid, who seems rather halfhearted anyway. Especially his emotional outburst upon finding out the truth about Veer being Veera, seemed very much rehearsed. There is one scene where I was willing to forgive all, and that I will definitely cherish always: the little stage show with references to DDLJ, MPK and of course HAHK. This was the first (only?) time I ever saw anyone actually word by word acting the famous HAHK scene, as as delightful as Rani and Shahid were, images from the original films were simply flashing through my mind and I caught myself smiling at them. The film, as every true Yash Raj production, is beautiful visually, very colourful without making your eyes sore, music is forgettable.

Shahid´s take on Shahrukh....

...and Rani´s on Madhuri.

The film failed to make the mark in history of cinema, it didn´t even do too well at the box office, and frankly I can understand why. The many flaws can always be forgiven and forgotten, but for that a movie needs to have a certain complexity, something that touches the heart or makes you think. Dil Bole Hadippa remains an OK one time watch without this quality.

Vivah

Directed by: Sooraj Barjatya

Starring: Shahid Kapoor, Amrita Rao, Anupam Kher, Alokh Nath

Released: 2006

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Twelve years after Hum Aapke Hain Koun Sooraj Barjatya decided to strike with another wedding video starring gorgeous heroine, handsome hero, loving families, perfect relationships (except for some minor flaws) lots of sweet songs and chocolates. However while Hum Aapke Hain Koun pulls off the rather non-existent plot brilliantly, Vivah, though there is nothing particularly wrong with it, did not manage to do so, neither it succeeded in recreating the magic.

Alokh Nath and Anupam Kher switched places and so this time Anupam is from the boy´s side, while the other one is raising the girl. She is not his daughter, but an orphaned niece Poonam. Unlike him, his wife doesn´t feel any love for Poonam, simply for the reason she has her own daughter who is dusky unlike perfectly beautiful niece.

Anupam is a father to Prem (Sooraj Barjatya has a thing for this name like Yash Chopra and Karan Johar do for Rahul), on a lookout for a bride. And who would have thought, Alokh Nath is in search for a groom for Poonam. And when these two meet, wedding is in the air.

1994

Twelve years later.

The bride and groom take immediate deep liking to each other. The two families love each other too. And apart from a joined family holiday don´t expect anything from the most of the film. Sadly the songs and romance simply don´t match up to legendary HAHK, and so for most of the film I kept looking at the time line which was moving with a snail speed. I was glad that the two main leads are played by Amrita Rao and Shahid Kapoor, because they both are such beautiful people, you can at least concentrate on them, wishing they had babies in real life, because beauty should be preserved for the next generations, while nothing is going on on the screen. They indeed make a beautiful couple.

And then tragedy strikes. And yet again I just cannot help but to do a little comparism to HAHK – while there the tragedy caused a problem, even thought mainly because of some communication holes more then anything else, in Vivah the tragedy doesn´t change anything at all. And we are heading for a happy ending.

This film is about...

...long meaningful stares...

...and fleeting meaningful gestures.

If you have a diabetes, this is not a film for you. Just five minutes would kill you, that´s how sweet everything and everyone is. They are all good in their roles. But none of the characters on their own are remarkable, and I highly doubt any of the actors would rank their performance in Vivah as their best.

Had it come out before Hum Aapke Hain Koun, I´m sure it would have been revolutionary (the way HAHK was), but since it´s coming a long time after, I couldn´t shake off the feeling that Sooraj Barjatya was simply trying his luck with the same story again. But Shahid Kapoor doesn´t have Salman´s charm. Amrita Rao doesn´t have Madhuri´s energy. And Prem´s nephew is nowhere near Tuffy (anyone else thinks the boy was a replacement of a „cute animal“ which usually is present in these kind of films?)

Vivah is a nice watch for a VERY lazy afternoon, and might be also ideal for putting you to sleep. Because in spite of being nice, it is unforgivably boring as well. In a way it really is what the full title promises: a detailed, idealistic documentary about a highly appropriate “way from engagement to marriage”.

I was just told we don´t  have any more laddoos.

No more laddoos?

We ate them all.

You must be strong Poonam. We have completely run ouf ot laddoos.