Bombay Velvet

Directed by: Anurag Kashyap

Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Anushka Sharma, Karan Johar

Released: 2015

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

It was supposed to be larger than life movie, the new triumph for Ranbir Kapoor. It was supposed to wow the masses and gather laurels from the critics, and Anurag Kashyap was supposed to be basking in tsunami of appreciation. It was not to be though and Bombay Velvet, boasting of unheard-of amount of money poured into it, took leave of the cinemas way too soon for any profit. What went wrong? How come all the heralded opulence failed to attract the crowds? Perhaps the lengthy story telling was partly to blame, but truth to be told, this is another of those famous flops which I personally was intrigued to watch.

Bombay Velvet is sure interesting. Different. It takes the outline of some of the popular tropes, but then strips them of their basics. And so the main protagonist Johnny Balraj (Ranbir Kapoor) is one of those ill-treated children from the streets, rising to opportunity through the wrong means, but unlike so many heroes before him he does not have an ailing Maa and nobody raped his behen, nor a dead Petaji to avenge. Indeed, there is no excuse for his damnation-worthy lack of values, which teach us that it is better to starve than to get involved in any dishonest deal. Johnny could not care less. He wants to be a “Big Shot”. He is ruthless, but not completely without conscience, and what he does best is really to look after himself. Perhaps that is the source of conflict that has arisen in the viewers´ minds? The hero is actually no hero. His desires are common and average, and Johnny actually does not act out of ordinary in any way. I mean, sure, he sometimes kills a person or two, but given his “job” and circumstances, isn´t this how most people would behave. Johnny does not even have any super quality. He does not outsmart the smart ones, he does not break tables by punching twenty villains at the same time. To me Johnny Balraj was really just a simple crook with dreams that were not even that big. Just give him some dirty izzat, some money, the girl he loves and he´ll be just fine.

Ranbir Kapoor as Johnny is quite brilliant, as usual, changing in front of the camera yet again, as easily as chameleon changes colours. There is not a single moment when you wouldn´t think of him as the character, his body language, his intonation, everything is on point. Performances are strong overal – for the first time I was truly impressed by Anushka Sharma. Once I decided to ignore her infamous lips, I was drawn to her silent force. Indeed, her eyes did all the talking for most of the film. But she too is atypical heroine. Far from virginal, far from lamenting her fate, she does not expect a hero to rescue her from her plight, and once she actually finds a guy who genuinely loves her, she throws any previous obligations out of the window. And she has very few regrets. Sadly her re-introduction as Rita is one of the most bewildering and puzzling decisions one could think of, marring the logic of the movie.

The surprise package of the movie has to be Karan Johar. Previously known on the big screen as “the nerdy friend from DDLJ” he cuts a very decent villain, in spite of his feeble voice, there is nothing cartoonish about his. He generates enough threatening feelings for the film to run smoothly ahead. The one walking away with the short stick is Raveena Tandon, who appears without reasons during two of the songs, all covered in peacock feathers. Lots has been promised as far as the sets, costumes and visuals go, and while everything seems appropriate, fitting, I never had the larger than life feeling which I get when watching anything Bhansali. In fact most of Anushka´s outfits seemed in bad need of fixing, some looked simply cheap. I actually had to wonder where all the money went...

When Bombay Velvet promos first appeared, people kept blasting them, saying Ranbir is merely hoping for his own Agneepath. Bombay Velvet is nothing like Agneepath or any other film in that vein. There is no redemption, no justification. For all the megalomanic claims it remains a touching, interesting, but believable story about normal people on the darker side of the society.

Besharam

Directed by: Abhinav Kashyp

Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Pallavi Sharda, Rishi Kapoor, Neetu Singh

Released: 2013

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

After drowning us with tears in emotional Rockstar, warming our hearts with delightful Barfi and entertaining us with romantic YJHD Ranbir Kapoor has apparently decided it was time to screw his reputation with Besharam. He is without a doubt my most favourite actor from the new generation (yes, even after this film), but truth to be told that only made the whole matter worse. I admit - I was not as appalled and horrified as I probably should have been, because appalled and horrified reviews kept coming from all sides and my expectations hit rock bottom. When I found some himmat to watch, I was ready for the WORST. The first half is decent - if we forget the disgusting morning erection scene and the most repulsive scene EVER (starring living legend Rishi Kapoor and a toilet) which was not needed and pretty much an INSULT to all his fans. Ranbir is acting well (even though his character is a disgusting creep for most part) and the new girl can dance. And Rishi Kapoor is the one who gives you a few chuckles (when he is not doing potty).

The story is extremely weak, and even though one is not supposed to look for logic in these kind of movies, the stupidity of actions these people go to is just too much. There was no need to steal the car again, at least not once the girl knew the truth. And did they really think they couldn´t be tracked down? Did they really think nobody would look for the money? The bones of this plot are rusty, and the tofu you are trying to plaster on them ain´t no meat. So what that Babli is an orphan. How does that justify him being a thief? And that he gives everything to the orphanage makes even less sense - he could be doing any honest job and do the same. In other words Babli is a thief - because he likes it. There is no majboori involved, no matter how much they are trying to shovel that into your throat.

I will do something I usually hate when others do it and say that Pallavi Sharda is just not beautiful enough. Not for this movie. She IS pretty and she is not a bad actress at all, however this role called for a STUNNING lady that would just catch your eye immediately. And Pallavi does not have this quality. She completely lacks star quality and is very bland. She shares no chemistry with Ranbir (obsessed with his crotch be it in the songs or otherwise) whatsoever, and their love story is very much awkward and superficial. It doesn´t feel natural at all, has no progress.

The girl is treated just bad in the whole movie. She is pursued by the hero because of no other reason than her looks. He is stalking her even though she several times rejects him and makes it clear she has no interest in him whatsoever. Later in the film she is deceived and lied to. And when she gets upset - SHE is the one who gets lectured on being spoilt, heartless and cold. WTF?! Sexist much director saab?

Neetu Singh.... the pyaari Neetu.... got the worst character in the film and is pretty much stripped of all her grace and ellegance. She was obnoxious and annoying and unfortunately only PARTLY because her character sucked. One of the main attractions of the film was the fact the three Kapoors were starring together in it - for the first time ever - but in the end it makes everything even more sad.

In the end I can only say that not even super low expectations save anything - except perhaps it doesn´t make you that mad. It also doesn´t guarantee you will not want to barf at the toilet scene. Besharam Abhinav Kashyap took us for a ride and drove so recklessly we all can only feel sick.

Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani

Directed by: Ayan Mukherjee

Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Deepika Padukone, Kalki Koechlin, Aditya Roy Kapoor

Released: 2013

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

While Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani belongs into the Bollywood´s favourite category of young romance, which sustained the industry for decades and will continue to do so, the film´s resounding success at the box office and with critics has, in my opinion, more to do with maturity that the story is weaved through with as well as some truly beautiful dialogues, than with a clichéd yet forever working formula it uses. YJHD has many factors going for it, even though it is not the best movie ever (or of decade – it might be of the year if nothing better comes) – from interesting cast, catchy music numbers, as much realism as you can hope for in a commercial Bollywood movie (by which I mean you must not question a girl who goes trekking in the snow in a mini skirt) to a cuddly embrace of what is probably the best jodi of the new generation.

Three best friends – Bunny, Aditi and Avi – decide to go on a trekking trip to Manali. Joining them is Naina, a dutiful, homely, aspiring-to-be-a-doctor girl, who just feels like she needs a change for a while. She is quickly accepted by the three outgoing friends and to her great amusement and amazement she watches and later joines them in their carefree attitude and antics. Before the trip is over she falls in love with Bunny, but when she find out he is planning to leave India to study abroad, and that his dreams are to travel the whole world, she decides not to ruin the moment and keeps her first love as a cherished memory. 8 years later the four friends are reunited, all grown up. Aditi is getting married, Avi is a bar owner gone bankrupt, Naina is a doctor. Just Bunny seems to be still the same, with dreams of seeing everything and never stopping at one place. Will Naina´s old feelings be rekindled? Will Bunny feel it too? Will it stop him in his eternal hunt for something new?

As said before the plot is nothing ground-breaking or new. And there sure was no need for the stereotypical transformation of a „normal“ girl into a goddess of oomph by simply putting off glasses (at least nobody even dared to hint Naina with glasses would be „ugly“ - a blasphemy forced upon Juhi Chawla in Aaina). However the way Naina, and later also her friends think, is very mature. Matters of the heart are important, but sometimes it is necessary to not allow things happen – and just as important is to go on and not spend your life miserable and whining, because, after all, there is much to do and much to fill it with. This attitude is extremely rare in films. Naina doesn´t nurture hopes that seem futile, because she knew she would end up hurting. Aditi realizes that one-sided crush would make her miserable, and settles for a less attractive, but completely loving guy, who „makes her happy“. What a change from all the selfish wrist cutting inflicted upon us around the same time in another „romantic“ film.....

After emotions-packed Rockstar and extremely heart-touching Barfi, Yeh Jawaani Hai Deewani shows Ranbir Kapoor in another different kind of romantic relationship, in which he actually doesn´t know he is until the very end. He doesn´t disappoint and delivers a very good performance – something we associate him with for some time now. However it is Deepika Padukone who really comes to her own in the film. Last year she was wonderful in Cocktail, and now she confirms it was definitely not some monetary fluke of luck. She is growing as a performer right in front of our eyes! The chemistry between the two is wonderful. 

Aditya Roy Kapoor doesn´t have much to do, and his character was a bit..... left out really. His drinking problem actually made me wonder if he was switching between the sets of YJHD and Aashiqui 2 and he kinda forgot in which one he was at the moment. Kalki, on the other hand, is a complete darling. There is much to relate to in all of the characters. I found a bit of myself in the shy, quiet Naina from the first half. Who wants to have fun, but it is not easy for her to just throw herself into it. It was also nice that the twist did not lie in making a homely girl the Queen of society, neither it was showing that spending your life abroad doesn´t compare to desi homeland. Both Naina and Bunny learn something, adjust themselves to it and make it part of their own personality. They grow up.

Plot may be bland but the script and direction are winners. As is gorgeous cinematography and play of colours and hues used to enhance the beauty of landscapes and clothes. Much like with his previous venture „Wake Up Sid“ Ayan Mukherjee chooses a slow, even tedious narrative, delving into the feeling of a moment rather than rushing ahead for the sake of somebody not getting bored. If you get bored, that is pretty much your problem, and Ayan is unapologetic.

I need to mention “Ghagra” - the very much hyped special song picturized on Madhuri Dixit. It was a fine song, a good dance number, Madhuri looked gorgeous and to see her with Ranbir was wonderful! It was all too much fun and I loved she also got to mouth several poetic dialogues before the music broke out. That said, Ghagra somehow doesn´t fit the rest of the film. It is brilliant as a separate video, but in the film it does not really serve any purpose and even from the way the costumes and sets look it is clear this bit was quite rushed and added at the last minute. But whatever. I was happy to see Madhuri dance – and thankfully Ghagra turned out quite progressive – as a song in which a younger guy is attracted to and charmed to an older woman – she did not stop being attractive and charming just because she hit 40.

Beautiful actors, beautiful performances, beautiful music, simple story, Madhuri..... What´s not to love?

Barfi

Directed by: Anurag Basu

Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Priyanka Chopra, Ileana D´Cruz

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

It was with great fanfare that Barfi was announced as India´s this years entry to Oscars, and it was with almost apologetic and „you know“ smiles it was reported the film did not make it into another round of selection. Upon its release in India Barfi stunned almost every critic and more notably also viewers, and while I definitely am among those genuinely charmed, I am not surprised Barfi was rejected by the Academy (if they even bothered to watch it). It was just too obvious a film like this cannot succeed in this particular competition, and I have to wonder why Kahaani or Paan Singh Tomar were not send to the US instead. They were more „Indian“, more authentic, and most importantly original. Barfi is not a remake of any one film, it tells a story previously unseen, however it practically copied scenes from other movies and then moulded them together for the sake of story telling. A job brilliantly done, and in a way I did not find offending in the least, but still, not something you want the (self-proclaimed) most important film award platform to see as the best what you can do - which in this case would mean "copy others".

Murphy Munna, Jaisa Lala

Copied scenes matter apart (and I myself couldn´t have been bothered less about them, as I have not a single one of those films that were used for inspiration), Barfi is the ultimate feel good film of 2012, and that too with some of the best performances we´ve seen. Ranbir Kapoor has, in a short span of five years, that he is that one thing to watch out for in the future. Extremely versatile and convincing in any role, his own persona always engulfed by the character he plays. It is same with Barfi (Murphy), a deaf young man with an eye for girls and great joy of whatever life brings his way. Sometimes he illegally sells alcohol and is involved in minor crime, which irritates the local police to no end, because Barfi may be short of hearing ability, but is as cunning as a fox and so they can never catch him. 

When Shruti and her family come to Darjeeling (a small town where Barfi lives), it doesn´t take long before she bumps into him, and he immediately (and almost literally) offers her his heart, not caring she is already engaged. Even Shruti finds herself in love after a while, but pressured by her parents, she is ultimately not that brave as to let go of all certainties in her life for Barfi. After the disappointment with Shruti Barfi´s father suffers a heart attack, and penniless son knows that desperate times call for desperate needs. And so he sets out to kidnap an autistic girl Jhilmil from a rich family and demands ransom. Too bad somebody kidnaps her right before him....

Barfi is told in multiple flashbacks, flawlessly put together. There is an attempt to tell the story in a rather documentary way, and that too works beautifully combined with more common narrative. Music is very different from what we are used to in Bollywood films, it actually has a very French feel to it (didn´t someone say it was inspired by Amelie soundtrack? Needless to say I´ve not seen Amelie.). The film overall not only feels wonderful, but looks wonderful as well. The hill station of Darjeeling, the crowded but somewhat cozy streets of Kolkata, camera work does all places justice, and captures some truly beautiful details. 

Above all Barfi is brilliantly acted. Ranbir, as already mentioned, is a complete natural, and both his leading ladies hold their own against him as well. Ileana, the best newcomer to Bollywood this year for sure, makes Shruti very elegant, gentle girl, very relatable for many. She would like to chase her dreams, and is not exactly forbidden to do so, but society norms are always there to remind her that she should just sit down and be happy with what she already has. 

Priyanka Chopra, very much like Ranbir, is probably the most versatile and daring actress in Bollywood right now. With Jhilmil she more than made up for the disappointment which was Teri Meri Kahaani. There was no shortage of great female performances this year, but I believe Priyanka takes the cake. Vidya Balan was nothing but excellent and Sridevi too was pure delight, there was also Kareena who impressed me, and of course Deepika was the best surprise of 2012. However none of them had a role as challenging as Priyanka. She became somebody she has absolutely nothing of in real life.

To portray a person with disability of any kind is always risky. There are too many examples and possibilities of where to go wrong and make such a character nothing more than either a caricature or a pitiful thing that needs to be cried over, but Jhilmil, in spite of being several autistic, is neither. She is innocent, but not pitiful, she is „different“, yet definitely not someone who cannot make a place for themselves in the society. She is capable of utter devotion, that does not come from her being dependent on a person. The girl makes her own decisions. Just like Barfi, who is deaf, autistic Jhilmil does not feel discriminated by being born a bit different. It is a bit uncertain for me to pinpoint which of the ladies was actually the main female lead, because Ileana dominates completely in the first hour, but from then on Jhilmil mostly takes over.

The story may seem naive in a way, and perhaps is, but it is also heart-warming and extremely endearing. The only complaint I have is the make up artist, who couldn´t make a believable „old“ make up for Priyanka and Ileana, and instead they came off looking as if they haven´t washed in weeks. But really, other than that, I loved Barfi. It made me happy. Something no other film this year really managed to do.

Rocket Singh: Salesman of the Year

Directed by: Shimit Amin

Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Prem Chopra, D. Santosh, Gauhar Khan, Naveen Kaushik

Released: 2009

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Say what you will I´m pretty much convinced Ranbir Kapoor is the future superstar of Bollywood. And that a superstar with great acting skills and killer charisma, as well as a good script sense. Rocket Singh is not a blockbuster hit film material, yet it doesn´t take away the fact it is an interesting an unusual film, especially if you realize it is mainstream Bollywood.

Harpreet Singh Bedi, a fresh graduate, is full of optimism as he decides to start a career as a salesman. He believes he´s got what it takes. He knows how to talk to people, he knows how to convince them, he has enough of tact and diplomacy. And he is not affraid of working hard. What he does lack though is ruthlessness and most importantly the ability to adjust to the world of sales, where corruption and bribes are a daily bread for everyone in the business. Except him. Brought up by a righteous Prem Chopra, the Sikh Harpreet refuses to fall prey to the tricks and although it earns him more trouble than anything he refuses to play according to the accustomed rules. He is determined not to let go of his purity of conscience.

Finally after taking a lot of humiliation and other crap he decides to create his own company – Rocket Sales Corporation. One by one, several other employers are convinced to join hands with him and they create a truly unique bunch of people – and all including a chaaiwalla have an equal partnership. And their company doesn´t take bribes. And they always solve everything quickly and without delays, charging nothing extra. In other words Harpreet manages to run a flawless, almost utopian company – and all that in absolute secrecy. But nothing lasts forever and eventually people who have been loosing clients to the mysterious Rocket corporation find out the truth....

As a Ranbir Kapoor fan I feel proud of the boy for choosing such a film. And he performs with complete dedication. He is one of the few who do not let their off-screen image and persona meddle with his work and as a result he becomes one with the character. Indeed, I would say that during the five years he´s been in the industry he has shown a great versatility, surpassing even older and more experienced actors. Others fit their roles perfectly as well, and all together create a convincing picture of human nature. What needs to be appreciated is that even though Ranbir Kapoor is clearly the only star in the movie, no character is wasted.

The film is (apart from being an unashamed turban porn) a surprisingly realistic take on office life and relationships between bosses and employees. In a way it is one of the „follow your dream“ stories, but without melodrama and seen without pink glasses, and the troubles go beyond disapproving parents and nasty evil characters. Of course the very end is happily ever after one, but that is all. Entertaining is not the word to use here. The film is slow, especially in the first part before everything starts falling into place. I can imagine why the film did not really click at the box office, it doesn´t make for an exciting cinema watch, but it is perfect if you want to indulge in some thinking and musings about possibilities as you are clutching a cup of tea, resting on your sofa.

Quickies I.

Just quick takes on several different films.....

FASHION

Directed by: Madhur Bhandarkar
Starring: Priyanka Chopra, Kangana Ranaut, Arbaaz Khan
Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

This did not look like a Bollywood movie at all..... and it works great, though I must admit it´s not a film I would like to watch again, definitely not the whole thing at one time. Priyanka was brilliant, especially in the second part, looked absolutely fabulous, but I must admit I was even more smitten by Kangana´s performance as Shonali. This was the film that made me love her - and then the love was taken away by Tanu weds Manu and Game.... but here the magic still prevails. As far as her performance goes it was THE EXPERIENCE for me. The movie was really a girl´s show from the beggining to end, though Arbaaz deserves a mention. Sometimes it happens to me, that the three hours, which a is a regular time for Bollywood movies, are just tooooooo damn long. I did not have this feeling during this movie.

It was nice to see Konkona and Ranvir, whom both I love, but let´s face it: that scene was simply good for nothing, because it was not related to the story in any way, hence it didn´t really work even as a special appearance. Music was nice, but nothing much to talk about. No songs. In this particular case thank God for that.

Now I need to go and watch Hum Aapke Hain Koun to get me out of depression. Joote Do Paise Lo.....!!!!!!
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WAKE UP SID

Directed by Ayan Mukerji
Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Konkona Sen Sharma, Anupam Kher
Released: 2009

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I had no idea what the plot is, all I knew it has Koko and Ranbir. And they were both just great in this nice, slow and charming movie!!! I thoroughly enjoyed the beggining, because Sid had the same illness as me - procrastination!!!! Pity his friends kinda disappeared after first 30 minutes, but in the end they were really not too important for the story. I really liked the plot - no dramatic over the top situations, just simple tale of a man finally growing up...... and for once the growth of love was understandable, enjoyable and BELIEVABLE!!!

As I already said, Ranbir was great. I love the guy! And Koko is brilliant. I would so love to see her in more movies. She does not have a nice profile, but otherwise she is IMO much more gorgeous then Katrina or Sonam. And her talent is unquestionable.

Very enjoyable movie, that slows down a bit in the second half. The word I would describe it would be "refreshing".
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TAAL

Directed by: Subhash Ghai
Starring: Aishwariya Rai, Akshaye Khanna, Anil Kapoor
Released: 1999

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Movie that is anything but exciting. Full of half-baked characters, out of whom only Anil had something that would interest you. But there are definitely some plus poits. One was Aishwarya - I don´t know whatever has happened to her nowdays, but she used to be so adorable! I mean - she was so very natural in this film, it was sheer pleasure to watch her. I´m also a fan of her simple look without much make-up and jewellery, so this worked as well. She danced BEAUTIFULLY. Another plus point was Anil - his acting was a highlight. And then there is BEAUTIFUL title song that is absolutely magical. I loved the picturization as well. In fact the whole soundtrack of Taal can be definitely labeled as one of the best Rahman´s albums. Pity not all the voices used suited Aishwariya...

I was SHOCKED to see Amrish Puri was not a bad guy!!! That is something that just isn´t right...

And I will never understand why Bollywood heroines so often love the most impossible jerks. Akshaye´s character was purely annoying to me (and mind you, I adore Akshaye!). He was just too sure of himself!!! And then he gave away the finale halfway through the film!!! "You will send her to me, she will come out of her own decision...." blah blah blah..... And then to ensure his success in the end he decides to use a CUTE DOG as a weapon!!!! Now that is EMOTIONAL BLACKMAILING!!!!

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MOHRA

Directed by: Rajiv Rai
Starring: Akshay Kumar, Raveena Tandon, Naseeruddin Shah, Suniel Shetty
Released: 1994

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

The greatest strengh of this movie is the plot no doubt. And it is also (together with the somehow psychotic Naseeruddin Shah) the only saving grace. The first hour was somehow boring and full of WTF (the jail was WTF for sure. No police anywhere in sight, prisoners roaming wherever they wanted to....). I never thought much about Akshay as an actor (thought he looked YUMMY here, never liked him anywhere else), and Raveena too was average. The second part of the film is definitely thrilling and has some good moments, but somehow I have overgrown the totally totally evil evil guys and totally totally good good police officers. Once again the twists in the story were great and unexpected. What I hated was the stolen melody - this time from Jesus Christ Superstar.
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BAABUL

Directed by: Ravi Chopra
Starring: Rani Mukherjee, Amitabh Bachchan, Salman Khan, John Abraham, Hema Malini
Released: 2006

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

The first 90 minutes were like watching Hum Aapke Hain Koun 2 (except Salman did not look cute, more like silly this time) - all was there from warm family relationships, celebratory songs, wedding, pregnancy......... but the magic of HAHK was not present at all. The second part was nothing but boring and the ending was a bit too quick a bit naive - and also ended up on HAHK note. I really liked Rani though, she was awesome and very believable and also Amitabh gave a good performance. The scenes between him and Rani are the highlits and it is interesting to note that Rani had more chemistry with him then with Salman or John. Those two are easily overshadowed by Rani and Big B. Om Puri and Hema Malini whose characters were IMO quite essential to the story, were unnecceserilly and unforgivably sidelined.

Only worth watching for Rani and her interaction with Amitabh.

Films I did not bother to finish

New York

Directed by: Kabir Khan

Starring: John Abraham, Katrina Kaif, Neil Mukesh, Irfaan Khan

Released: 2009

How much I could take: 48 minutes 17 seconds

New York the city is full of life, dangerous, fascinating, thrilling and engaging. New York the 2009 Hindi film is a total snooze-fest. What was it about? I´m not sure. I remember some police raid, Irfaan being a bad cop during some interrogation that lead to flashback to fluffy college memories full of parties and playing rugby, Katrina having atrocious red sections in her hair and then there was some attempt for a little romance..... Yeah – and then the tragic events from 9/11 are shown, but by that time my mind was so completely turned into a jelly I did not really get what it had to do with anything..... Performances do not save the day – on the contrary! John and Katrina combo sends „New York“ to the deepest hell, Irfaan lacks his usual grip and Neil Mukesh disappears from your mind the moment he lefts the screen frame. This film might be ideal for putting your kids to sleep, but at the same time it might have seriously bad effect on their mental health. It sure disturbed mine.

Tees Maar Khan

Directed by: Farah Khan

Starring: Akshay Kumar, Katrina Kaif, Akshaye Khanna

Released: 2010

How much I could take: 36 minutes 14 seconds

Possibly the crappiest film of the whole 2010. There may be even worse ones, but they were not as half as hyped and talked about hence the disappointment and shock over the sheer stupidity was not THAT striking. After I was disgusted by the opening titles where some freaky dancing (and yet unborn) baby indulges in some serious adultery, I was offered a truly mindless and cheap humour which had me asking my own intelligence. I was never smitten by Akshay Kumar as an actor, but I always found him at least watchable, but here he annoyed me like hell from the first second. And when the groovy Sheila Ki Jawani (the ONLY good part of the film) ended and I was presented with Katrina Kaif whom my washing machine could give a lesson or two about natural acting my patience and good will waved bye bye and went to sunbath to Italy. The reviews were promising some hope in the form of my dear Akshaye Khanna, but all the idiocy going on completely killed any desire to wait for his appearance. Watch only if your IQ equals to the one of a wooden rocking horse or you´re on drugs.

Dil Toh Bachcha Hai Ji

Directed by: Madhur Bhandarkar

Starring: Ajay Devgn, Emraan Hashmi, Omi Vaidya

Released: 2011

How long I could take: 1 hour 34 minutes 36 seconds

What a MEH movie. It isn´t really anything - not a romance, not drama, not comedy.... in fact it is really just MEH..... It was supposed to belong to all the characters, but in the end it belonged to nobody. All the characters are very shallow and you don´t care one bit for any of them. I was waiting for some relationship development between the three guys, but there is none. They simply get introduced and are best friends the next second. The women they are chasing are meh. The music is meh. The jokes are non-existent. It terribly drags and you get the feeling you are still at the beginning, because nothing is really going on. It´s like three stories put together, but having absolutely nothing in common. Ajay and Emraan are totally wasted, even though Ajay again proves his versatility and Emraan his great charisma. Meh film. Not really worth it.

Raajneeti

Directed by: Prakash Jha

Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Ajay Devgn, Nana Patekar, Arjun Rampal

Released: 2010

How long I could take: 49 minutes 3 seconds

Raajneeti is a probably a good film and it only appears here because I did not understand it. Not one bit. I´m completely untouched by my country´s politics, and to venture into the Indian one is not my idea of fun. I had the best intentions and was even willing to suffer Katrina Kaif on screen, because I LOVE Nana Patekar, really like Ranbir Kapoor and Ajay Devgan and do not mind Arjun Rampal. But the great actors were, sadly for me, involved in scheming plots and occupied by affairs that I had a very difficult time understanding or even remembering them all. I was not bored by this one, not at all. I was lost, completely lost like a puppy in the jungles of Amazon. And so I did not finish it, even though it probably is, as I have already mentioned, a good film.

Minireviews: Romantic comedies of 2010

I hate luv storys

Directed by: Punit Malhotra

Starring: Imran Khan, Sonam Kapoor, Samir Soni

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

One of the absolutely weakest films of 2010. Let´s face it: Imran Khan is a sweet boy but an average actor and Sonam Kapoor is a pretty girl and a below average actress. The best thing about IHLS was ironically their pairing, since both are visually perfect for chocolate teenage crushes and given their limited acting skills they do not overshadow one another. As a directorial debut of Punit Malhotra the film is not bad, cinematography is excellent and music pleasant. Unfortunatelly the story itself is terribly weak and clichéd. At the very beggining J (Imran Khan) complains about the Bollywood films being all the same, starting with the hero not believing in love and ending with him being hopelessly infatuated (or better yet – married). A ironically this is the very plot of IHLS, without any inovative idea or even a bigger twist. From this point of view the movie can be described as pointless. It shows us that even a well tailored film can be a terrible bore. After few minutes I realized I´m only waiting for the moments when Imran´s fat friend appears on the screen in one of his absolutely amazing T-shirts.

Aisha

Directed by: Rajshree Ojha

Starring: Sonam Kapoor, Abhay Deol, Amrita Puri, Ira Dubey, Cyrus Sahukar

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Only little things saved Aisha before sinking even lower then IHLS. As a fan of Jane Austen´s books I was very much curious about how would Bollywood deal with her novel Emma. Well, not that well. The basic story stays the same, but there is nothing of its original charm. The blame rests with Sonam Kapoor. The only movie she has not managed to kill off so far has ben her debut Saawariya, and that only because Sanjay Bhansali has a magical ability to make even a wooden table act. Aisha stands and falls with Sonam´s performance, that is simply bad. She has no idea a thing like voice modulation exists, her expressions are non-existent, her screen-presence equals to zero. Her advantage is her beauty, but that can hardly save a film. Plus points of Aisha coudl have been capable Abhay Deol, good music, nice costumes and a beautifully fresh debutant Amrita Puri. But is Sonam Kapoor „acts“ in her father´s production project, everything is bound to be focused on Sonam, Sonam and Sonam. And so Abhay and pretty much everybody is unforgivably sidelined. Sonam Kapoor is a living proof that talent is not automatically inherited.

Action Replayy

Directed by: Vipul Shah

Starring: Akshay Kumar, Aishwarya Rai, Aditya Roy Kapoor

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Story about a guy who travels to the past to change unpleasant present is not exactly original. The best movie ever based on this thought has to be the popular American series „Return to the future“, which for me personally is one of my favourites and most enjoyable movies I´ve seen. While „Return to the future“ has a very realistic touch (in spite of dealing with very much unrealistic theme), Action Replayy borders with fairytales. And the story develops in a similarly naive way. Either you have the feeling Kishen (Aditya Roy) is not doing anything, or he is doing some truly silly stuff (best example and the worst case being the singing contest). Visually the film is very colourful, sometimes so sugary colourful you might feel slightly sick. The best performance is by Aditya Roy. I have never been impressed with Akshay Kumar as an actor, and he did not convince me otherwise in this, but I guess we could describe hims as „good“. I was looking forward to see Aishwarya, however as „old“ I wanted to slap her and as „young“ she was annoyingly over the top. But still – you can forgive her a lot because she is simply beautiful to look at and is a great dancer. Average movie that doesn´t really give you anything.

Anjaana Anjaani

Directed by: Siddhart Anand

Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Priyanka Chopra

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

How two self-murderers lived happily ever afer. When I was watching the film for the first time, I was a little schoked and a little excited, because you cannot také away from it that it is original and has many unexpected situations. But then I wanted to re-watch it and found out it lacks any serious repeat value. What bugged me throughout was the setting – what was the point of it all happening America. Change New York to Mumbai and it will not have any effect on the story whatsoever. Also some morbid joking may not be too easy to digest and one questions himself if the jokes have not passed the border of good taste already. Ranbir Kapoor is possibly my favourite actor out of the new lot and he does not disappoint. Priyanka was a darling when happy and silly, but the emotional scenes were not all that convincing, and some even looked too fake. But yeah, as somebody else has pointed out elsewhere, the film does show you she has the most stunning legs. The Ranbir/Priyanka jodi was new and refreshing, even though more they look like buddies and not lovers. The main hero of the film is the soundtrack.

Break Ke Baad

Directed by: Danish Aslam

Starring: Imran Khan, Deepika Padukone

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Again I was a bit uncomfortable with most of the film taking place outside India, this time in Australia (btw shot in Mauritius) with no real reason. Again we are meeting Imran Khan, but in a much better film. Imran is an actor completely dependant on the script, direction and co-star. And to give him Deepika was a hit into the bull´s eye! Their chemistry is very natural, their interaction as well. Cute, uncomplicated story about what happens when your best friend (and boyfriend) starts to get on your nerves is pretty much comparable with I hate luv storys, because here too the level of predictability is fairly high, still it deserves a much better rating. Deepika was a pleasant surprise for me. I already liked her as both Shanti and Sandhya in Om Shanti Om, but she was a little lost beside Shahrukh Khan. From this point of view Imran compliments her greatly and gives her space to shine. And more – her Aaliya is nothing like the characters I´ve seen her playing before and to me it proved Deepika has a truly great potential and is versatile. She does not play herself over and over again like Sonam (no, I have no love for Sonam). As a lover of pre-2000 Bollywod I´m always happy to detect hints to older films, here it was for example Mr. India and Tezaab.

Jhootha Hi Sahi

Directed by: Abbas Tyrewala
Starring: John Abraham, Pakhi Tyrewala

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

John Abraham is not my idol, but I find him a very likeable actor. With Jhootha Hi Sahi he shed off the "useless sex-symbol I do not find sexy" tag he had in my book previously. The film about a guy who by a printing mistake becomes a part of a help line for people on the verge of commiting suicide turns out to be a sweet romantic film, not exactly a comedy but still lighthearted and giving you several genuine laughs. The leading pair, which has a freash and cute vibe to it, is supported by a bunch of entertaining friends, every single one of them captured with all their chief characteristics even in not that big scope given to them individually. Jhootha Hi Sahi was another undeserved flop of 2010.

Band Baaja Baraat

Directed by: Maneesh Sharma

Starring: Anushka Sharma, Ranveer Singh

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

The last film I´m going to mention here came to the theaters only in December, but quickly became a hit. Deservingly. More then capable directorial venture of debutant Maneesh Sharma, great dialogues, excellent soundtrack and most of all powerful performances by Anushka and Ranveer – all that raises „BBB“ as the film is often called, to the best romcom of the last year. Though your intuition tells you how it is going to end, the way to the finish is completely unpredictable. It is really entertaining watching the two young people in their attempts to create a successful company with all the problems that might come along. Humour is always spot on and never over the top. Ranveer and Anushka create a very natural jodi, they look comfotable with each other. None of them has classical beauty, but their charisma substitutes for that and their talent is unquestionable. Anushka proves once again that she is possibly the best newcomer of the past decade. Ranveer as debutant deserves an honourable mention. The great plus of the film is the sense of reality, be it in the way the characters dress, talk or how Delhi is presented. On the top of all that the movie feels beautifully desi.