Prem Ratan Dhan Payo

Directed by: Sooraj Barjatya

Starring: Salman Khan, Sonam Kapoor, Anupam Kher, Neil Nitin Mukesh

Released: 2015

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I like certain level of predictable in life and Rajshri films, especially those directed by Sooraj Barjatya, have quite lots of it. You can always count on a film about a big family which upholds traditions, bursts into a song every five minutes and there is no shortage of earnestness so melodramatic it is hardly seen in normal life. The plot is paper thin, but who watches this director´s movie for plot and conflict? We watch for the unearthly sweetness, for parampara, for colourful songs and attractive people in them. Does Prem Ratan Dhan Payo live up to the standards set up (and never scaled) by Hum Aapke Hain Koun? Not quite, though it does try its best and even contains several things I never would have expected.

The unexpected thing no. 1: The raja who could not keep it in his pants. The family this time has fewer members than we are used to (only 4!) and they are not in loving unison at all. The reason? They are all children of a certain raja, but they do not have the same mother. They don´t even have two same mothers. They have three, one of whom was not even a legally wedded wife. When she is driven out of the palace with her two daughters, those daughters logically carry a strong grudge. Then there is Neil Nitin Mukesh in the most pathetic and ridiculous mode I´ve ever seen him in (and he is rarely great to begin with) as a younger brother, who hates his older brother because evil secretary has sabotaged everything he had ever asked for while posing as a faithful servant. Considering every request could be granted by simply asking personally, this seems like a very flimsy excuse for a raging hate, that leads to repeated attempts at murder. Then again I suppose a guy who thought that building a shiny mirror palace for his children will solve every problem was probably destined to fail at raising his kids from the start.

The unexpected thing no. 2: Actual murder! Not accidental death or passing because of old age. We get a murder and even a shot of a hanging body. Graphic? No, not by any filmi means. Unexpected in a movie like this? Hell yeah. Other than this, however, the evil plotline is completely ridiculous, simply because Sooraj Barjatya is great at presenting samdhis humming to a joyful melody, but sucks at creating tension and a more complex conflict. All the bad guys are also responsible for 90% of bad acting in the movie.

Neil himself represents 70% of that.

The unexpected thing no. 3: Sonam Kapoor. As Princess Maithili she is among the lot of more or less demure, obedient Barjatya heroines, fortunately the curse of “cabbage personality” has missed her. In fact she may be my favourite female Barjatya character after Nisha-ji from HAHK. From capably running a charity organization to openly longing some gentle physical love, she is a person with life clearly reaching beyond the palace walls and making rotis. Thus it seems even more unfair that the ultimate decision to follow her heart is snatched away from her, no matter how happy the ending. Sonam manages to be delightfully demure and without trying to be spunky and bubbly (death for a young actress). Her somehow theatrical acting has a grateful background in the all but realistic universe of Prem Ratan Dhan Payo. She is good.

The unexpected thing no. 4: Sonam and Salman are not an awful jodi. Be it because of filters on Salman´s face or whatever, the twenty years between them are still awkward, but on the screen they looked good. Salman himself, so bulky and muscly his neck looks just weird and you can´t dispute that, carries the movie forward, mostly devoid of stupid one liners and threatening poses, that had made him a caricature more than an actor in the past few years. His performance doesn´t shake the ground (except that one time in the mirror palace, literally), but counts among his better ones in this millenium.

The unexpected thing no. 5: I enjoyed it. More than I had thought I would, and in spite of everything cheezy and silly that occasionally made me face-palm. Even in spite of Anupam Kher, repetitive in his 1885^th role of paternal figure, that cannot be distinguished from others. Even despite the fact that we spent ten minutes on a really weird football song while more interesting things were apparently happening elsewhere. Prem Ratan Dhan Payo is an easy watch, and a pleasant one too if you are in the right state of mind. Most of the songs merely pass you by, but the title track is catchy enough to get stuck in your head. I know what I´m talking about. I´ve been singing and humming it since Friday....

Please get the song out of my head bhaiya!

Dulhan Hum Le Jayenge

Directed by: David Dhawan

Starring: Salman Khan, Karishma Kapoor, Paresh Rawal, Om Puri, Anupam Kher

Released: 2000

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Often my readers accuse me of not being able to appreciate films which are meant to be „just fun“, films that are purposefully mindless, silly and unrealistic. They say I cannot enjoy anything that is not meaningful. And so I sat down and tried to think of a movie that was all that and I would have liked it. I did not have to think for long. A line up of such films exists and Dulhan Hum Le Jayenge (which at first confused me because the title was just too similar to Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge) is one of them. Coming out of David Dhawan´s workshop, it ranks among his better efforts, before he went into a long and fruitless period before being somehow revived by his (so far) latest outing of Main Tera Hero.

It is a story of Sapna (Karishma Kapoor), white-clad, long-haired, blue-eyed virginal niece of three rather eccentric uncles, who all make her their personal crusade by forcingly trying to shape her according to their own lifestyle. Thus the strong, wrestling sportsman tortures her with rigorous exercise, pious devotee insists on her spiritual development and the forever young disco lover just wants her to be a modern vixen. Naturally the poor girl wants nothing but to be herself, and so one day she secretly joins a group of tourists traveling to Switzerland. Among the travelers is also Raja (Salman Khan), already determined to make Sapna the Queen of his heart. But conquering her is the least of his troubles, since ultimately he will have to impress the uncles. All of them.

Judging by the wardrobe neither were sure of what the climate of Switzerland actually was like.

Now, you really cannot look for „meaning“ and „depth“ in this one, can you? But you can enjoy it immensely and I did. Perhaps because even the over the top performances seemed earnest, perhaps because it was cute and fluffy and funny without need to use profanities or lewd sex jokes. Maybe it was Johnny Lever dancing. Maybe I was simply in the right mood. Dulhan Hum Le Jayenge serves you comedy laced with youthful enthusiasm of the main leads and great combination of great supporting actors, and there are some hilariously choreographed (but back then highly cool) catchy songs (complete with puzzled foreign onlookers). Not all films that may claim to have the same hold my love, and I suppose many times I just go by instinct (and my, am I picky!). Some films just do not feel nice. This one does.

Unlike the horrendous Biwi No. 1, this film provides greatly for all Salman-Karishma shippers, among whom I count myself. They are one of the grossly underrated jodis. Neither of them is a stupendous actor, but they bring out the crazy best out of each other. They seem very well suited and there is cheekiness to them both which beautifully underlines their chemistry.

As usual my feminist side was not entirely happy with the movie, since there is lots and lots of men deciding for the girl in this film. Even the happy ending is ensured only thanks to Sapna´s grandfather. At few points it actually gets regressive (talking here about two scenes especially: when Sapna is immediately sexually attacked while thumbing a lift, and when Raja hits her when she is dancing with two horny men. Given both things were stupid of her, the whole thing played it on stereotype that INDIAN girls do not behave „like that“). Well, at least nobody makes a big deal out of Sapna´s change of image from baggy clothes and pigtails to sexy mini-skirts and fashionable hairdo.

So there you have it. That „pure fun“ film I like. Go and watch it. It might just be the right thing to brighten your afternoon.

Veergati

Directed by: K.K. Singh

Starring: Salman Khan, Atul Agnihotri, Himani Shivpuri, Farida Jalal, Divya Dutta

Released: 1995

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Veergati is one of those film made by and for men who consider themselves awesomely macho. Or who think being awesomely macho is the coolest thing ever. The 90s have given us some real gems of Indian cinema, but there is also a dark side to them, and from its darkest depths of all stuff regressive comes this story of an orphan played by Salman Khan, weirdly dead-eyed and foreshadowing his non-acting today, even though back then, in other films, he has always beamed with energy.

I have no love interest in the film which already gives you the idea I will die in the end.

It is all very bizarre and WTF from the very start. Upon bringing home a helpless baby he had found abandoned in the streets, a soft-hearted police officer needs to deal with a hysterical wife, who leaves him because one day the baby will surely make her yet unborn daugther a prostitute (if this sentence doesn´t make any sense to you, do not ever try watching the film). The policeman lets the pregnant wife leave him forever to raise up the baby. The kid grows up into a very disagreeable hero, who is supposed to be good in heart, but to be honest he acts like an idiot. To people he supposedly loves he is consistently hurtful, never failing to cry over the fact he has been thrown into the gutter as a baby, completely omitting how lucky he was to be found and brought up with much care and love. He also gets insulted because of his origin, and all in all the filmmaker expects you to embrace the character and pity him. Well, then maybe they should have tried a bit harder in actually making him less of an agressive maniac.

"I broke his arm and kicked his dog!" "So cute beta!"

Also, for a person constantly cribbing about how he doesn´t believe in relationships and gambles away, he becomes hell of a preacher (and „slapper“ of young girls) on moral codes when other people are not respectable towards their elders. Nothing about Salman´s character makes sense. The acting is awful from his part, and while the rest of the cast do whatever they can (the extremely lovely Divya Dutta sucks in this though), nobody saves the day.

The awful moaning of women being raped creates an eternal soundtrack to the villain´s den or even his mere presence on screen, showing his power of the underworld in the only form Bollywood knows – by inflicting injustice to women. One even more fondly remembers Mogambo who had it all sorted and though he was a highly caricatur-esque character in a comedy film, he still commanded more respect and caused you worries than any filthy pimp whom just one cleanly shaved guy can destroy by shaking his muscles.

In case you have not noticed this guy is evil, he has an ugly black mole to help you.

Perhaps you are confused why I have skipped describing the story, but there is not much to describe. Veergati is a diary of voes of a self-pitying agressor, who happens to be surrounded by people who never get angry with his annoying whining and abusive behaviour, and people who are just insane (yeah, still talking about the policeman´s wife). There is also a subplot revolving around the character of a friend, who is trying to raise money to get married to a wealthy girl he loves, but who cares really. In the end Ajay looses most of the people who are family to him (read: people who endless put up with his asshole ways), dresses into white sheets and goes on a vengeful killing spree mouthing some deep spiritual stuff in between increasing the death rate of the film.

Hello sir.

I have come to you to talk about our Lord Jesus Christ.

Neither well shot, scripted or acted, Veergati is more 80s than 90s, with all the darkness of bad cinema you can imagine under that tag, and a woman only having worth if she is a Maa.

Jai Ho

Directed by: Sohail Khan

Starring: Salman Khan, Tabu, Daisy Shah, Genelia D´Souza, Mohnish Behl, Suniel Shetty, Danny Denzongpa

Released: 2014

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - shitastic - good – great – amazing

What is the point of films like this? That´s right. There is none. For whatever reason Indian masses cannot imagine anything more awesome than a middle-aged guy being himself on screen year after year after year. Jai Ho (which immediately makes the famous A.R.Rehman track go off in my mind) tries hard to convince you it has a plot and a message, but it is really just random scenes plastered together to fill in the time between overstretched and, by now, boring scenes of Salman Khan beating everybody around him senseless. Sohail Khan probably wanted to pay homage to brother who feeds the whole khandaan and the rest.... like script and story... are yet again viewed as inferior. That said Jai Ho is still somehow one of better attempts at Salman Khan-ish cinema, definitely more watchable than atrocious Ready and not as boring as Bodyguard.

Let´s face it: this screenshot could be from any of Salman´s previous films and you wouldn´t notice.

The thought which is dragged through more than two hours is a genuinely nice one: if someone helps you, don´t say thank you, rather help another three people. I don´t know why you shouldn´t help AND thank, but OK. The flaw of this concept is naturally people are selfish bastards who rarely even say thanks, forget helping. But in Salman Khan´s bharat, where all social issues can be addressed in a single (awful) song, are people of pure hearts and indeed live by this rule. This „help other three“ stuff however soon gets on your nerves, because it is repeated about 50 times in the film, often within mere minutes from each other, and gets as annoying as the stop smoking ads in front of every film we all suffer through.

No, daddy, I will not stay home!

Other than that Jai Ho is a mix of bizarre and questionable, often brought to us by known and semi-known faces. I still cannot get my head around the character played by my lovely and cute Genelia D´Souza. She is obviously an extremely clever college student, unfortunately handicapped in a way, that prevents her from writing her tests herself. When her nikamma brother, who should be helping her, gets stuck in the traffic (and not for the first time), she fails the test and commits suicide. WTF. Are you seriously telling me such a bright, intelligent young woman would kill herself over ONE test? Are you telling me university will not give organize a retake for her, given her condition? Are you telling me in the whole building with thousands of students, teachers and staff they couldn´t find ONE person who would write for her instead of her brother? That is just an example of how idiotic situations make Jai Ho.

Tears.

Tears.

Between Salman Khan, Tabu, Mohnish Behl and Mahesh Thakur I has strange visions of Hum Saath Saath Hai going all wrong. They are all competent. Daisy Shah, a girl looking like a porcelain doll with baby face (bickering with a kid whom she calls with a nickname derived from his little „equipment“ while he know what colour her underwear is) , had a tiny role of no consequence and did Salman no favours by making everybody see he is another Khan too old for girls in their 20s. She dances beautiful, but I don´t see much of a future for her in Bollywood. A wild Suniel Shetty with a tank appears out of bloody nowhere too, just because. Danny Denzongpa is an iconic villain, and I don´t think Salman had such a strong opponent since the time of Sonu Sood.

How the hell did you know how to get here?

I followed the sound of tears.

In the end the movie can be really summed up as follows:

Note: I made the gifs from THIS amazing video :)

God Tussi Great Ho

Directed by: Rumi Jaffrey

Starring: Salman Khan, Priyanka Chopra, Amitabh Bachchan, Sohail Khan

Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

God Tussi Great Ho. And forgiving also. Otherwise You would have struck down the makers of this film with ten plagues of Egypt. There is no justification whatsoever, no excuse great enough, for the existence of this movie. A blunt remake of Hollywood film „Bruce Almighty“ is even more appalling than the stupid, but still enjoyable in bits, original with whacky Jim Carrey in the role of an ambitious, but unlucky TV journalist. Indian version gives us Salman Khan in his stead.

Arjun (Salman) is not only poor and unsuccessful, but he also doesn´t get along with his father, his sister is considered ugly, and his gorgeous and popular female colleague Alia has no incling whatsoever he is hopelessly in love with her. This young and healthy man, who has a house, family, 5 meals a day, a job and a potential girlfriend, however considers himself extremely unlucky and stubbornly believes God is against him in every way and plays His dirty games with poor Arjun for His own amusement only. Arjun curses God, calls Him names at every opportunity, and even more so after a new guy appears in the office and soon takes over not only his job but also steals his ideas and potential girlfriend. Now, wouldn´t that make you angry? Damn.

Ironically the best part of his wardrobe in the film.

God finally decides to give Arjun a proper lesson, and hence He has a personal talk with him and gives him all His powers, to make the world better according to his own judgment. Need I say that within days Arjun majorly screws up? And realizes God is right? Who is surprised raise your hand.

As I said before, the original film too was anything but great. But it was reasonably well acted, and most importantly.... it was here first (I dare not call it an original because my experience taught me very few things in the world are actual originals....). There is little to no difference between storyline, except of course Bruce made Jennifer Aniston´s boobs grow, and Arjun, being a nice Indian ladka (sporting shirts that would make Rishi Kapoor´s sweater collection proud) he makes his potential girlfriend a future bride.

How is that song again?

I´m walking on sunshine! Whoooo hoooo!

God Tussi Great Ho is extremely poorly executed. Salman is just pathetic, going through his dark phase between excellence that was Tere Naam and reinventing himself with Dabangg. His brother Sohail is, ironically, better in this (not a great deal considering how horrible everyone was in this film), then again he really isn´t someone you´d want to watch on screen. Priyanka Chopra is breathtakingly gorgeous, yet annoying and unconvincing. Then there is God playing Amitabh Bachchan.... I mean Amitabh Bachchan playing God, but apart from his amazing voice there is little that would make you go wow.

"You did not just say that!"

"I wanna report a Bollywood blasphemy that just occured in this review!"

The most cringe-worthy thing were definitely cheap CGI effects, that looked like a video game from the early 90s. Nothing looked real (or even pretty), and truly all was so artificial I started to doubt the film actually released in 2008. The only bearable bit of the whole film was Laal Chunariya song, which at least took the advantage of Priyanka´s beauty.

A comedy that is not funny is one of the most painful cinematic experiences one can endure. Looking back I can´t believe I actually sat through this movie, which easily ranks among the worst I´ve seen in my life. Spare yourself the pain. It is not worth it, not even if you are a fan of the actors. Unless you want to see God pulling off some bad Bollywood moves.

This is approximatelly how I felt when the film finally ended.

Dabangg 2

Directed: Arbaaz Khan

Starring: Salman Khan, Arbaaz Khan, Sonakshi Sinha, Vinod Khanna, Prakash Raj

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Remember my next to ecstatic review of Dabangg? Well, this one is going to be almost fully non-ecstatic. Because Dabangg 2 is one of those movies that are witnesses to the fact really good films should not be milked just for the sake of it. Most sequels do not turn out as half as good as their predecesors and Dabangg 2 is just another one of those. Not memorable from any angle and relying way too much on Salman Khan´s X-factor as well as overdoing references to the awesome original movie, Dabangg 2 is not a „horrible“ film, but it was probably, together with Jab Tak Hai Jaan, the biggest disappointment of the last year, failing to meet expectations by far.

We meet Chulbul Pandey a lot more joyful, mellowed and chilled than before. He has settled with his wife Rajjo and accepted a transfer into a bigger city. His family life is happy and content. Not only Rajjo is pregnant and glowing (and my, does she looks wonderful!), but his step-father and brother become a full-time caring relatives. The Pandey family harmony takes up the most part of the film and I felt like instead of a masalla film I was watching a TV soap educating me on how a proper family behaves. It does have sweet moments (Rajjo reminding Chulbul he forgot his trademark sunglasses) and funny moments (Pandey sr. getting fake calls from an unknown „lady“), but there is really nothing much to talk about. This storyline was still the best one – which doesn´t really shed favourable light on the rest of the movie.

If you are making a sequel to a movie that had a truly menacing and memorable villain like Sonu Sood as a corrupt politician, you absolutely need a villain even more menacing, memorable and ideally even more corrupt. And saying he is like that, not showing it, is just not enough. That Prakash Raj is among the finest when it comes to being a villain has been proved in the past more than once. However Dabangg 2 doesn´t take an advantage of having him in the slightest. There is not a single scene in which you would actually feel concerned for Chulbul, because his enemies seem helpless in spite of some threatening. The way the villain is weaved into the story (or rather lack of it) is too predictable and almost copied from the previous film too. Chulbul insults the corrupt guy. Corrupt guy threatens Chulbul. Chulbul is not afraid. Corrupt one kills/harms a member of Chulbul´s beloved parivaar. Chulbul wrestles shirtless with another shirtless villain. Chulbul kills the villain. The end.

Referencing to the previous movie is fine, as long as it´s not overdone, but Dabangg 2 does just that. „Chalte hain“ becomes „Aate hain“, the „you´ll be confused from which hole to fart“ is back as well as a guy with mummy calling him in the least appropriate moment. There is an item song, just lot less fun than Munni (and Kareena Kapoor does have adorable expressions but cannot dance for peanuts), we get Munni, just lot less fun than last time, we get a song about Sonakshi´s eyes, just lot less good than last time...... There is nothing fresh about the film. It is probably the most boring masalla movie I´ve seen in the past few years. And the thought there is supposed to be Dabangg 3 does not fill me with any excitement whatsoever.

To say something positive: performances are good, direction too isn´t bad, and there is nothing that would offend anyone´s sentiments I feel.

No fun, no twist, no originality. Dabangg 2 is not worth being an heir to the original.

Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya

Directed by: Sohail Khan

Starring: Salman Khan, Arbaaz Khan, Kajol, Dharmendra

Released: 1998

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Who wouldn´t immediately think about the iconic song from Mugal-E-Azam upon hearing this film´s title, right? Well, there are no palaces and princes in this one. It is pretty much all Salman Khan in his pre-lazy period rocking the screen. Nice colours, nice music, nice story, I really found Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya, directed by the youngest of three Khan brothers, supported by the fame of the eldest and giving job to the middle one, an endearing venture. In a way it reminded me of DDLJ, mainly because the plot is driven by an idea of young man butting into the girl´s family, trying to win their affection, and to top it the girl yet again is none other than Kajol, but it is really just a similarity and no rip-off I believe.

Muskaan (Kajol) is an orphan, living in a village with her still dashing uncle (Dharam Paaji) and elder, somehow grumpy brother Vishal (Arbaaz), who really doesn´t talk much, neither he likes others to talk much. Other characters we get introduced to are Muskaan´s friend Ujala, who has more than a crush on Vishal (he seems to be completely oblivious and uninterested, even after she throws some uber-sexy dance in his way) and a home cook, who has no role really, but I believe he deserves a mention for the proud presentation of some really weird wardrobe.

Indeed.

The same awful thing is to be used as a punishment for the hero.

Vishal is greatly concerned for Muskaan, she being his everything. And so he keeps rejecting all the marriage proposals and beats the heck out of everybody who even dares to look at her. For all his love and caring, obviously, Muskaan feels rather suffocated in her small uneventful world and so pleads with her brother to be allowed to study in a big city. Reluctantly Vishal agrees and even more reluctantly he drops her to the college – where to his utmost horror young people smoke and – shock shock - DATE!!!! Oh, had he only known his perfectly normal sister may – GASP! - fall in love with a guy her age and choice, he would never have let her go there! But fortunately for Muskaan he cannot see into the future and so she can enjoy a little of life.

Soon enough her friend Suraj (Salman) falls in love with her and wins her affection in return. Unfortunately her big brother, with an empathic ability of a frozen Alsatian dog after a brain transplantation, says a big no no and Muskaan is promptly taken home. But Suraj is not ready to give up on her, and so he finds himself on a quest of sneaking into her home and trying to win everyone over. And he nearly succeeds – but Vishal bumps into a hairy guy looking as stoned as himself, and decides this dude he has known for a few days is the right one for his sister. That is may not be the best decision ever, you can already guess....

"I hairy. You hairy. I stoned. You sleazy. I give sister. You take sister. Deal?"

Salman and Kajol make a lovely couple. She is delightful as meek, yet loyal Muskaan, but is rather sidelined in the second part of the film, I felt. That is Salman´s show, and he is pure hilarious. Suraj is a perfect combination of a young man very much serious about his love, at the same time he is still a bit of a mischievous child, and Salman captured both the sides of his character beautifully. His comic talent was in the top form. We cannot really shower praises on his brother though. After impressive debut in Daraar, it turned out he is actually not at all a good actor, and the creepy/stoned/unfeeling character is actually how he comes off on screen 99% of the time. Dharam Paaji has a role which is rather useless, but hey, he is Dharam Paaji, mature and handsome, and he gets to kick some butt too.

Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya is a light, fun ride with good cinematography and catchy tunes,and among other little pleasure offering also a hilarious fight among stars of the olden days and younger, then contemporary, stars of the big screen.