Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai

Directed by: Milan Luthria

Starring: Ajay Devgn, Emraan Hashmi, Kangana Ranaut, Prachi Desai, Randeep Hooda

Released: 2010

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

What can a director responsible for overhyped Dirty Picture do with a bunch of actors I would rank from „not interested“ to „dislike“ do? Surprisingly a film I really enjoyed. I have been ignoring this one for quite some time (Why? Read the first line!) but as a person who always insists on watching original before a remake and prequel before a sequel I finally sat down and hit the play button. I knew the film was quite acclaimed, but public opinion rarely sounds in tune with my own sentiments.

From time to time there is nothing better than a good Bollywood gangster flick and Once Upon a Time in Mumbaai has ticked every bracket needed to be good. Dark, but never gruelsome or lingering too much on the nasty effects of criminal activity, OUTIM is more or less a masala with a heart, in spite of being a gangster tale, and set in very attractively presented setting of 70s and 80s, thus evoking bit of that nostalgy everybody likes too.

Inspired by real events (at least I found it described like) the film revolves around an idea that criminals and their crimes are of different nature depending on what they have in heart and mind. A willful, ambitious kid that has a secure home grows up to be a selfish and self-loving individual hungry for power, while the one whose attention and approval he seeks came literally out of nothing and while he managed to become the „king“ of the Mumbai underworld his actions are dictated by his selflessness and love for common folk. One is a smuggler, the other is a killer. The interaction and play-off between larger-than-life yet level-headed Sultan (Ajay Devgn) and impulsive, as well as somehow childish, immature Shoaib is the backbone of the film, which in the end gets broken and leaves you a bit numb for a while.

The film has a nice, tight screenplay, that is not weighted down even by two romantic sub-tracks, which bring further understanding of what men the main protagonists actually are. The relationship between Sultan and a Bollywood star played by Kangana Ranaut (I suppose a character created to remind us of notorious Mandakini) is based on caring and love, Shoaib´s selfishness and possessiveness has the upper hand in his love life. His girlfriend (Prachi Desai) is more or less seen as his property, bending to his wishes even when she doesn´t like them or are simply unacceptable to her own mindset.

The film´s strengths are above all good script and performance by Ajay Devgn. Dressed in white, he embodies a towering figure in the game of power, and has an aura of invincibility. He carries the film on his shoulders and charisma and doesn´t make a false step. Emraan Hashmi, whom I just cannot like for whatever reason, is good enough, mostly because he IS supposed to be unlikeable. Kangana and Prachi both play their roles convincingly, even though Kangana´s dialogue delivery and voice will always be a problem. Special mention goes to special cameo by Randeep Hooda, another guy I don´t really care for in general, but like him here.

Once Upon a Time in Mumbai has its share of flaws and illogical moments (why in the world would you need to deconstruct a railway track just so a lorry can ride over it?), and it is not the most exciting gangster movie out there either. But it works, has solid performances and superb music, as well as that already mentioned pleasant vintage touch.

Ghanchakkar

Directed by: Rajkumar Gupta

Starring: Emraan Hashmi, Vidya Balan, Rajesh Sharma, Namit Das

Released: 2013

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

So... what exactly is Ghanchakkar? There is not enough fun for it to be a comedy (although that is what I primarily expected from the promos). There is not enough thrill for it to be a thriller. There is not enough drama for it to be a story about relationship trust. All that is kinda sprinkled all over, but ultimately does not make a difference. Ghanchakkar is not a film that would fall into a certain category, and if it was supposed to be masalla it fails to deliver.

It all starts with two not well-introduced and badly drawn characters (even after the film you just wonder who, where, how and why?) of a married couple Sanju (Emraan) and Neetu (Vidya). I suppose he is some renowned criminal because first thing you know he is offered a job of looting a bank. He accepts and does the deed, aided by two goons, and he is given the stolen money for safe-keeping, until the time comes. However when the time comes he claims not to recall absolutely anything and the goons, angry that he is trying to trick them, move in with him and his wife to help him remember. To their despair Sanju has met with an accident after the robbery and suffers from partial amnesia, that one day may progress to the point of him not recognizing anyone and anything.

How to rob a bank: Step 1

Somebody explain to me how sharing a flat with your possible victims helps to trigger a memory? How about taking him to the place where it all happened, trying to remind him of all the details? No. I think threatening his wife and masturbating over the phone will be enough. And Sanju, how about, when you think you have found the money, you open the suitcase to check BEFORE you deliver it to the goons? And director saab, how about some explanations before all that gore bloodshed that was definitely sickening but not even remotely funny, ten minutes before the end? Was there really a need for that happening anyway? Ghanchakkar progresses in the same line as starting your morning with Teletubbies and ending it with Dracula in Pakistan. Except there are no twists and turns. Yep, it is boring.

The film is centered around Emraan, with Vidya Balan playing the second fiddle. That itself, as unusual as it is, wouldn´t be of concern to me, if she actually had something to work with, but apart from screaming in frustration from time to time she is there only to model some atrocious clothes (was that pun at her off-screen persona intended I wonder?). Emraan.... what can I say? The dude is always the same, no matter what film he is at. He is not a „bad“ actor, but he seems unable to make his characters be different from each other and actually making an impact. The two actors playing the lame goons were better than the lead pair, but that does not really say too much.

I really expected more from this. Perhaps because of Vidya Balan. Perhaps because Rajkumar Gupta made rather good No One Killed Jessica. Perhaps because my standarts are set too high for any film really.... Ghanchakkar is nothing you could name. Except if you have your own „what the hell did I just watch“ movie label.

Ek Thi Daayan

Directed by: Kannan Iyer

Starring: Emraan Hashmi, Huma Qureshi, Konkona Sen Sharma, Kalki Koechlin

Released: 2013

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Bollywood and horror genre have never been the best of friends. I personally am not a horror fan. I watch one in approximately ten years and then am afraid to go to the loo in the night for three months, but Bollywood horrors, or rather attempts at making them, have left me yawning. Ek Thi Daayan seemed to be different for most part, but then even this stayed at the „attempt“ stage. It is brilliant in parts. And rather a let down on the whole.

Bobo the Baffler (who the hell gave him that name?) is the most famous magician in India, but his seemingly successful career and happy personal life (the dude is dating BEAUTIFUL Huma Qureshi) is plagued by memories of his childhood, and visions of the past. Once upon a time a little boy Bobo lived with his father and little sister Misha in a Mumbai flat, and dreamed of becoming a magician. One would expect him to practice the usual tricks of the trade, but Bobo wants more than that. Upon studying a rather obscure book on witchcraft he learns that the devil´s number is „666“ and following a sudden idea he goes into an old elevator and presses the number 6 three times. Together with Misha he finds himself taken by the elevator far below the surface, into „hell“. The children escape, but soon after a mysterious woman Diana enters their lives, enchants their father and joins their household. Bobo cannot help but to suspect she came from the „hell“ down below and she is in fact a witch – daayan, who wants to harm him and Misha....

What seemed to be quite a mind-blowing horror for the first hour continued with good, but not really as awesome footage crowned with completely laughable, cartoonish climax that almost completely ruined the overal impression. Indeed, the build-up, the mystery and uncertainty of the beginning, when it was possible to make excited guesses if everything wasn´t actually going on in a messed up imagination of a child, gave me creeps and chills, not to mention it was all brilliantly acted. Konkona, of course, is the queen, but both children were truly excellent, which is a lot considering how LAME 90% of child actors in Bollywood have been and continue to be. And a little personal info: one of my worst nightmares as a child and even now have always been an elevator that just doesn´t stop in its descend and going down and down and down....

The second half, even though more slow-paced and without being really scary, still had potential, but the ending makes Ek Thi Daayan seem like yet another B-quality horror films Bollywood has churned out in the past. It reminded me of the lameness of Raaz 3. Too blunt a revelation of supernatural actually takes away from the terror that one feels when he just cannot explain or ever understand. Not to mention there are some things that just get confusing (Bobo is a demon? Eh? What? Why? And how did he regain his „powers“? And by the way how did he explained the disappearance of his wife in the end? And why did the psychiatrist begin to believe in the witches anyway? What was it that he found?). Emraan is being himself as usual, with the same expression and same way of speech, but I did not really mind it here. Huma is very good, except the very ending, when everything turned ridiculously theatrical. Kalki has more of a guest appearance than a full fledged role, and in spite of a secret that is hinted to be surrounding her, she turns out to have very little to do.

Music is good, especially the song during the opening titles sets the mood really well, then again there is always Totey Ud Gaye to make appearance while being useless and not fitting in the story at all. What I found disappointing (apart from what I have already listed) was Bobo´s magic shows and tricks. They were way too obviously fake and computer made, and at times reminded me of the boring talent shows. I couldn´t help but to remember Hrithik Roshan as magician in Guzarish – now that was beautiful and awespiring. And how do you even expect me to take seriously anyone named Bobo the Baffler.

The Dirty Picture

Directed by: Milan Luthria

Starring: Vidya Balan, Emraan Hashmi, Naseeruddin Shah, Tusshar Kapoor

Released: 2011

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

What Bhandarkar attempted to do with „Heroine“ (and messed up), Milan Luthria did before him (and did not mess up). No matter if present or the past, the message is clear: it sucks to be a female filmstar. We all know that. It has been talked about for decades. And nobody is doing anything about it, not even The Dirty Picture. After all, as long as we get such tragic and sad stories of lives ruined in a pursuit of stardom, there will be material for film scripts. A story like that of the 80s actress Silk Smita, on which is the film based, though it doesn´t religiously follow her life or characteristics.

A village girl Reshma runs away from her home and mother to pursue her filmi dreams. However she faces rejection on all sides and with every rejection her enthusiasm dies a little and her frustration grows. Until she decides to go „dirty“ - taking up a highly suggestive dance number and completely knocking breath out of everyone. Sex sells and she quickly becomes a sensation. However after some time of doing raunchy, meaningless roles, it all becomes the same to her. Success is no longer sweet and Reshma, now known as Silk, is hoping to branch out of her sex Goddess image. And suffers a nasty blow upon realizing nobody cares for her in any other than her dirty avatar....

The transformation....

It is all definitely dirty, the first half more than the second, but the second actually shows dirtiness of human soul, which is ultimately much more vulgar than dirtiness of showing off of flesh. There is a definite feeling of sadness from the first moment, because you just know it is not going to end well. Somehow it just cannot. But all the sadness feels rather superficial, as way too much time is spent on lingering on the nastiness, and way too little time is given to the actual character of Silk. We see what is happening to her, but we have no idea how she feels, why she feels that way. There is no real contact between the viewer and the character.

The film does great on the visual level. The 80s are bright and alive and you would expect Jeetendra in white shoes prancing around Jayapradha to appear at any moment, and it wouldn´t look out of place. Especially the picturization of the famed Oh La La song (the best track of the album by the way) is bit of an visual orgasm with all the pink vermillion and painted pots and shirtless Naseer and drenched Vidya for me. It represents Indian cinema of the time perfectly – with all the over the top and larger than life factors. It is so much fun, yet never feels like disdainful scoff.

Vidya was excellent and owned the film completely. She was Silk and made her a truly 3D character, not a caricature. I appreciated that she was so real, with all the rudeness and boldness, but in the end just a normal woman with in need of appreciation and solid emotional ties. And some basic respect, which she did not get, because audience, back then and even now, has a difficult time understanding that a woman enjoying and displaying her sensuality does not equal a classless prostitute.

Emraan had really nothing to do and in what he had he seemed incredibly wooden, his voice over throughout the film was atrocious and without any change of intonation whatsoever. Him looking like Anil Kapoor and having pretty much same mannerism do not help him in my eyes. Naseerudin Shah is a pure gold as ever, and a wonderful cast choice for an aging 80s hero who is accepted as forever young, while his heroines are turning into „mothers“ after few years in business. The biggest surprise has to be Tusshar Kapoor in a role of his younger brother, who too has a thing for Silk (only up until the moment he realizes she has no intention to sacrifice everything for him and become a „decent“ woman).

Good, but still overrated picture, at least as far as awards and critical appraisal goes.

Awarapan

Directed by: Mohit Suri

Starring: Emraan Hashmi, Mrinalini Sharma, Shriya Saran, Ashutosh Rana

Released: 2007

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Awarapan suffered what I call „the fate of Lagaan“. I have not come across a single person who wouldn´t be praising it, and naturally the expectations shot skyhigh, never to be met. In the end I just had to admit that I would have liked Awarapan much more had I had not any preconcieved notion about it as well. It is a good film from all angles, but it lacks the "smashing" quality that would make it truly memorable.

Emraan Hashmi, whom I have an unexplainable dislike for (rooting probably in his resemblance to Anil Kapoor in both appearance and manner), plays Shivam, for whom, according to the posters, „Love was his only destination“. To get to the destination he chose a rather strange path though. We meet him as a right hand to a Hong Kong based gangster Malik, doing mostly the ugly and dirty work for him. Thus when he receives an order to spy on Malik´s mistress Reema, who apparently hasn´t shown a proper excitement while having sex with her lover and thus raising doubt about her own fidelity, he doesn´t question it, nor is he apprehensive to carry out her murder in case she would indeed prove to be unfaithful to his boss.

"Kill my girlfriend, OK?"

"Sure. Enjoy your holiday, Boss."

And she does! Apparently she is in love with a poor but handsome young man and wants nothing but to run away and return to India, from where she had been kidnapped and subsequently made to please Malik. Shivam points a gun to her head – and yet the ruthless gangster cannot press the trigger. You see, in Reema Shivam has recognized something he had been trying to forget and we see he is in fact a pitiful heart-broken atheist who once upon a time was in love with gorgeous and deeply religious Muslim girl Aliyah (Shriya Saran, who is apparently stuck with cameos and lame roles opposite unsalelable actors when it comes to Bollywood and is HURTS, oh it hurts). However the deeply in love Shivam lost his deeply religious Aliyah when her deeply offended father shot his daughter by mistake (of course he had been aiming at Shivam), and this loss marked Shivam forever.

Prayer can indeed save a life - even if not yours.

He pretty much gives his blessing to Reema and her lover and helps them to escape, which of course is not all that easy since Malik comes to know about it. The last 40 or so minutes are action packed and together with lots of shooting and cursing we get to see Shivam finally accepting God, whom he had never believed in before. Religious movies are rather tricky. They can easily offend everybody and tend to be preachy, Awarapan manages not to. Aliyah is a Muslim, and yet Shivam finds God in a Buddhist temple, indicating that God is one for everybody, no matter of what you call yourself – and that is one theme I shall always love and be grateful for it.

Emraan was good as long as his burnt out mode fitted the story, but once he sets out on his last quest, I would have expected him to actually show some emotion. All were scared of him in the film but there was nothing scary about him. He looked mostly confused and his stone face was not really appropriate to lot of situations. A hero with more of visible emotional range would have done wonders for the film. As I have indicated above, I was also left wanting more of Shriya, who only had an extended cameo in the film, although her character was essential to the story. I would love to see her in „big“ film with „big“ heroes, with her amount of talent and beauty she could easily overrule many wanna-be starlets that Bollywood is currently full of.

Films I did not bother to finish

New York

Directed by: Kabir Khan

Starring: John Abraham, Katrina Kaif, Neil Mukesh, Irfaan Khan

Released: 2009

How much I could take: 48 minutes 17 seconds

New York the city is full of life, dangerous, fascinating, thrilling and engaging. New York the 2009 Hindi film is a total snooze-fest. What was it about? I´m not sure. I remember some police raid, Irfaan being a bad cop during some interrogation that lead to flashback to fluffy college memories full of parties and playing rugby, Katrina having atrocious red sections in her hair and then there was some attempt for a little romance..... Yeah – and then the tragic events from 9/11 are shown, but by that time my mind was so completely turned into a jelly I did not really get what it had to do with anything..... Performances do not save the day – on the contrary! John and Katrina combo sends „New York“ to the deepest hell, Irfaan lacks his usual grip and Neil Mukesh disappears from your mind the moment he lefts the screen frame. This film might be ideal for putting your kids to sleep, but at the same time it might have seriously bad effect on their mental health. It sure disturbed mine.

Tees Maar Khan

Directed by: Farah Khan

Starring: Akshay Kumar, Katrina Kaif, Akshaye Khanna

Released: 2010

How much I could take: 36 minutes 14 seconds

Possibly the crappiest film of the whole 2010. There may be even worse ones, but they were not as half as hyped and talked about hence the disappointment and shock over the sheer stupidity was not THAT striking. After I was disgusted by the opening titles where some freaky dancing (and yet unborn) baby indulges in some serious adultery, I was offered a truly mindless and cheap humour which had me asking my own intelligence. I was never smitten by Akshay Kumar as an actor, but I always found him at least watchable, but here he annoyed me like hell from the first second. And when the groovy Sheila Ki Jawani (the ONLY good part of the film) ended and I was presented with Katrina Kaif whom my washing machine could give a lesson or two about natural acting my patience and good will waved bye bye and went to sunbath to Italy. The reviews were promising some hope in the form of my dear Akshaye Khanna, but all the idiocy going on completely killed any desire to wait for his appearance. Watch only if your IQ equals to the one of a wooden rocking horse or you´re on drugs.

Dil Toh Bachcha Hai Ji

Directed by: Madhur Bhandarkar

Starring: Ajay Devgn, Emraan Hashmi, Omi Vaidya

Released: 2011

How long I could take: 1 hour 34 minutes 36 seconds

What a MEH movie. It isn´t really anything - not a romance, not drama, not comedy.... in fact it is really just MEH..... It was supposed to belong to all the characters, but in the end it belonged to nobody. All the characters are very shallow and you don´t care one bit for any of them. I was waiting for some relationship development between the three guys, but there is none. They simply get introduced and are best friends the next second. The women they are chasing are meh. The music is meh. The jokes are non-existent. It terribly drags and you get the feeling you are still at the beginning, because nothing is really going on. It´s like three stories put together, but having absolutely nothing in common. Ajay and Emraan are totally wasted, even though Ajay again proves his versatility and Emraan his great charisma. Meh film. Not really worth it.

Raajneeti

Directed by: Prakash Jha

Starring: Ranbir Kapoor, Ajay Devgn, Nana Patekar, Arjun Rampal

Released: 2010

How long I could take: 49 minutes 3 seconds

Raajneeti is a probably a good film and it only appears here because I did not understand it. Not one bit. I´m completely untouched by my country´s politics, and to venture into the Indian one is not my idea of fun. I had the best intentions and was even willing to suffer Katrina Kaif on screen, because I LOVE Nana Patekar, really like Ranbir Kapoor and Ajay Devgan and do not mind Arjun Rampal. But the great actors were, sadly for me, involved in scheming plots and occupied by affairs that I had a very difficult time understanding or even remembering them all. I was not bored by this one, not at all. I was lost, completely lost like a puppy in the jungles of Amazon. And so I did not finish it, even though it probably is, as I have already mentioned, a good film.