God Tussi Great Ho

Directed by: Rumi Jaffrey

Starring: Salman Khan, Priyanka Chopra, Amitabh Bachchan, Sohail Khan

Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

God Tussi Great Ho. And forgiving also. Otherwise You would have struck down the makers of this film with ten plagues of Egypt. There is no justification whatsoever, no excuse great enough, for the existence of this movie. A blunt remake of Hollywood film „Bruce Almighty“ is even more appalling than the stupid, but still enjoyable in bits, original with whacky Jim Carrey in the role of an ambitious, but unlucky TV journalist. Indian version gives us Salman Khan in his stead.

Arjun (Salman) is not only poor and unsuccessful, but he also doesn´t get along with his father, his sister is considered ugly, and his gorgeous and popular female colleague Alia has no incling whatsoever he is hopelessly in love with her. This young and healthy man, who has a house, family, 5 meals a day, a job and a potential girlfriend, however considers himself extremely unlucky and stubbornly believes God is against him in every way and plays His dirty games with poor Arjun for His own amusement only. Arjun curses God, calls Him names at every opportunity, and even more so after a new guy appears in the office and soon takes over not only his job but also steals his ideas and potential girlfriend. Now, wouldn´t that make you angry? Damn.

Ironically the best part of his wardrobe in the film.

God finally decides to give Arjun a proper lesson, and hence He has a personal talk with him and gives him all His powers, to make the world better according to his own judgment. Need I say that within days Arjun majorly screws up? And realizes God is right? Who is surprised raise your hand.

As I said before, the original film too was anything but great. But it was reasonably well acted, and most importantly.... it was here first (I dare not call it an original because my experience taught me very few things in the world are actual originals....). There is little to no difference between storyline, except of course Bruce made Jennifer Aniston´s boobs grow, and Arjun, being a nice Indian ladka (sporting shirts that would make Rishi Kapoor´s sweater collection proud) he makes his potential girlfriend a future bride.

How is that song again?

I´m walking on sunshine! Whoooo hoooo!

God Tussi Great Ho is extremely poorly executed. Salman is just pathetic, going through his dark phase between excellence that was Tere Naam and reinventing himself with Dabangg. His brother Sohail is, ironically, better in this (not a great deal considering how horrible everyone was in this film), then again he really isn´t someone you´d want to watch on screen. Priyanka Chopra is breathtakingly gorgeous, yet annoying and unconvincing. Then there is God playing Amitabh Bachchan.... I mean Amitabh Bachchan playing God, but apart from his amazing voice there is little that would make you go wow.

"You did not just say that!"

"I wanna report a Bollywood blasphemy that just occured in this review!"

The most cringe-worthy thing were definitely cheap CGI effects, that looked like a video game from the early 90s. Nothing looked real (or even pretty), and truly all was so artificial I started to doubt the film actually released in 2008. The only bearable bit of the whole film was Laal Chunariya song, which at least took the advantage of Priyanka´s beauty.

A comedy that is not funny is one of the most painful cinematic experiences one can endure. Looking back I can´t believe I actually sat through this movie, which easily ranks among the worst I´ve seen in my life. Spare yourself the pain. It is not worth it, not even if you are a fan of the actors. Unless you want to see God pulling off some bad Bollywood moves.

This is approximatelly how I felt when the film finally ended.

Zanjeer

Directed by: Salim-Javed

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Jaya Bhaduri, Pran, Om Prakash

Released: 1973

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

The only good thing about all the sequels and remakes that are slowly becoming more common than new, original films in Bollywood today, is, that I have an excuse to actually find some time in my schedule and watch the prequels/originals and thus also increase level of Bollywood in my life that I need to survive. Zanjeer has been on my radar for quite a while anyway.

The iconic story is actually very simple. Once upon a time a man decides to leave the underworld for teh sake of his wife, son and good conscience. However the former boss doesn´t trust him not to tell anything to the police, and so, during a loud Diwali night, he himself comes into his former employee´s house and shoot him and his wife dead, unaware the child he just made an orphan is hiding in a closet. The child sees everything, and especially is fixated on an elegant bracelet of the killer – with a pendant in the shape of a horse. The kid is later adopted by a policeman, and grows up to be tall and dashing Amitabh Bachchan (sporting a name Vijay in the film), forever haunted by a nightmare of an evil horse rider.

Vijay becomes a policeman – honest yet impulsive and, well, angry 90% of the time. He becomes best friends with Sher Khan (Pran in an AWESOME red-haired get up and sporting ONE outfit the whole film), former criminal reformed by being beaten up by him, and he also takes in a street performer Mala (Jaya), who has made the mistake of identifying a member of crime gang. You guessed it – they fall in love, but without the usual frolicking on the meadows or even saying it. Zanjeer is not a romantic film after all. Picking up loose ends of various strings Vijay ultimately uncovers the man behind all the evil doings we witness in the film as well as getting revenge for his parents.

After an era dominated mostly by Rajesh Khanna and his romancing, Zanjeer started the fashion of action flicks as well as imprinted the „angry young man“ image to Amitabh Bachchan, who then made it his trademark. And indeed Amitabh Bachchan is the life and soul of Zanjeer, with his intense stares, dominating body language and the impeccable dialogue delivery. Both his anger and helplessness are best represented ina scene when he is mocking Mala´s plans of settling their own home, to which he had previously agreed, giving a promise to pretty much stay blind to the injustice in the world around for the sake of her happiness.

Young Jaya Bachchan doesn´t irk me at all, much unlike the Jaya Bachchan from the 80s forward, yet I still cannot count myself among the admirers of her acting. She seems bland, uninteresting. Even Bindu, in her small and plain role of the villain´s girlfriend, is more fun to watch. Pran, on the other hand, is excellent, a quality you associate with him. The film made me wonder if Om Prakash has ever done a role where he isn´t/doesn´t look like a drunkard.

Zanjeer is a movie that one has to talk about with a certain amount of respect simply because it was a trend-changer and trend-setter. That aside it had been surpassed in all the departments since its release. It´s like with the Beatles. There has been loads of better music than theirs. But they were pretty much the first, having new ideas and rebuilding the way music industry functioned, and for that they can only be respected and loved. Zanjeer as a film left me rather bored, I found it difficult to concentrate on the storyline. I kept having a feeling this is one of those films that had to be watched at the time of their release, but will no longer charm the audience today. Is Zanjeer iconic? Yes. Is it timeless? No.

Sholay

Directed by: Ramesh Sippy

Starring: Dharmendra, Amitabh Bachchan, Sanjeev Kumar, Hema Malini, Jaya Bachchan, Amjad Khan

Released: 1975

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

It is not easy to write reviews of some films, and interestingly enough I have more troubles writing about good movies than bad. Perhaps our ability to pinpoint what we don´t like is better developed than our ability to praise? In any case to review Sholay wouldn´t be easy even if I found it really bad, because of its indisputable iconic status. The film has been labeled as the „best ever from Bollywood“ more than just a few times. Well, let me admit right away I respectfully disagree. Sholay is nowhere near the perfection I find Guru Dutt´s movies to be, it doesn´t topple neither K. Asif´s Mughal-E-Azam, nor Mother India, or some films that came after it. At the same time Sholay is still a damn good film and one that broke records and set trend for the next 15 or so years. In fact most of the 80s were spent by trying to recreate the magic of action scenes and selfless heroes more than anything – and most of them fell flat. So what it is that Sholay has which clicked so perfectly with the audience (because this is one of those blockbusters thriving on word-of-mouth and nothing else)?

The story is heavily inspired by Hollywood and its fondness of stories from the lawless „Wild West“, the similarity of the plot with „The Magnificent 7“ uncanny. A retired police officer Thakur Baldev Singh (Sanjeev Kumar in one of the „aged“ roles he essayed, though ironically her didn´t even live to turn 50 himself) hires two men to capture a dangerous dacoit Gabbar Singh (Amjad Khan), who is terrorizing a small village of Ramgarth. Why doesn´t he turn to the police? Because he has a personal issue with Gabbar, who murdered his whole family – and left him without arms! To take his revenge, Thakur chooses to offer the quest to two thieves Veeru (Dharmendra) and Jai (Amitabh Bachchan). They not only accept, but after a while make the fight against Gabbar and his gang for their own as well. And in the moment in between the fights, Veeru manages to romance a chatterbox Basanti and Jai takes liking to a young widow Radha from Thakur´s house....

First of all – the cast is extremely attractive. Amitabh Bachchan and Dharmendra both were a real rage back in the day. With distinct looks and approach to acting, they were quite different from each other, yet one complimented the other perfectly. They definitely belong among my favourite „bromances“. While Dharmendra is a mischievous devil making girls swoon with his eternal boyish charm, and - in spite of Sholay being a serious film – his use of humour, Amitabh represents the silent strength in the background. Jai is the solid ground from which Veeru can operate, if you will. At no point you feel a need to ask if two against God knows how many are not too little, because the duo is so dynamic you just have faith in their abilities. Sanjeev Kumar and Amjad Khan too are excellent in their roles. 

However while both Hema Malini and Jaya Bachchan were the most popular girls at the time, I never managed to warm up to either of them. Jaya has always been a „grey mouse“ with nothing that would really capture my interest, Hema on the other hand I tend to find rather annoying. Her dialogue delivery especially has always been week. Thinking about that – Radha was a quiet „gray mouse“ and Basanti was a smack-worthy annoyance, so the casting was probably appropriate. I must say I felt sorry for Radha in the end, as even the hopes for a new life were snatched away from her. 

The music of the film has been celebrated as well. „Yeh Dosti“ song is easily the best one as far as melody goes, followed by Hema´s famous „Jab Tak Hai Jaan“ dance of pain. The revered Holi song left me cold though, I enjoyed more „Mehbooba“ song where Helen put her beautiful legs to action.

I think the only major flaw I found in Sholay was the whole „Veeru and Jai in jail“ business at the beginning. The characters were introduces through it, but on the whole it was not necessary at all. The Hitler-like grotesque figure of the jailor, marching ironically (or was somebody being ignorant?) to the tune of English „For he´s a jolly good fellow“, seemed like from another time and space altogether, and wasn´t really funny either. Also to be brutally honest I burst out laughing when the armless Thakur gained magic powers and was flying in the air, fighting Gabbar with his feet. The scenes that stood out for me were for example when Thakur returns home to find his children murdered. As the crude wind blows away the white sheets, uncovering the bodies, you almost want to cry out. Another classic one, though of completely different nature, would be Veeru´s marriage proposal/suicide threat, so often referred to in many films afterwards. And of course – when the unbreakable dosti finally breaks in the end....

Satte Pe Satta

Directed by: Raj N. Sippy

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Hema Malini, Shakti Kapoor, Sarika, Ranjeeta Kaur

Released: 1982

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I first learned about the existence of Satte Pe Satta last year when a new remake of it was announced and at the time I was anything but happy about it, but quite a lot has changed since then and now I´m awaiting the film with optimism. The 1982 film starring a popular couple Amitabh-Hema was originally also a remake – of American film „Seven Brides for Seven Brothers“, and though a pleasant film, there was a lot left to be desired, which the new version may eventually draw its strength from. But before the first take of the new movie (that is going to have Sanjay Dutt and Karishma Kapoor in the lead roles) is even taken, let´s have a closer look at the classic.

Somewhere in India there is a solitary farm run by seven brothers, who definitely do not lack love for each other, but do lack basic human manners. They are dirty, unshaven, lazy, uneducated, simple..... and do not care. If not for the eldest brother Ravi (Amitabh Bachchan), who at least lacks the laziness if not other of the trades mentioned, and acts a bit like a slave driver to his siblings, else they would probably just rot on their unkempt cots. One day Ravi by a rather embarrassing mistake meets Indu (Hema Malini), a neat and clean hospital nurse, intelligent, strong willed, basically everything other people in his life (read his family) are not. He falls for her, but doesn´t leave a favourable impression on her and it takes quite a lot of courting and convincing before Indu too finds some love for him in her heart. That however without any knowledge about his family situation. 

What do you mean "use a Gillete"?

Indu is quite shocked by her six brothers-in-law, and no wonder considering one of them is Shakti Kapoor and they move about in next to nothing but some brightly colourful underwear. In the end however it´s them who get the bigger shock, when she decides to „civilize“ them.... Hema Malini is someone I am usually a bit wary about on screen, thought it´s true I´ve not seen that many of her films as yet, and I liked her as feisty Indu, except her dialogue delivery is not the best and her voice modulation neither. She is a good match for Amitabh (who is of course great) and Indu is really that one phenomenon which keeps the basic plot tight and entertaining. Her quest to make her brothers-in-law normal people who dress and wash and don´t eat with their hands was hilarious. However as the movie goes on the focus shifts to the six brothers and their little romances as well as some rather unnecessary masala plot involving an Amitabh´s duplicate and money plotting, Indu makes a quiet exit and so does most of the humour.

Indu being made to believe the guy she loves actually has a normal family.

I understand that Satte Pe Satta is one of most favourite Amitabh Bachchan movies, and no wonder, it definitely provides entertainment (by which I do not mean to say the film is brainless - „entertaining“ has become rather synonymous with „stupid“ in the past few years I feel) and delivers on most levels, yet it is definitely not a perfect film. The second half is weaker and at times on the verge of boring, resembling way too much the 80s action films that were pretty much all the same as if they have been printed by a copy machine. And somehow I don´t think I would believe that a guy, who threatened me with a knife, was only trying to help me. In the end all the brothers turn from animals to humans and all are rewarded with a nice girl to marry. The idylic family life on the farm can continue.

Some things are bound to happen if seven guys live together alone....

When your favourites disappoint

They say you only are a true fan if you are willing to suffer through your favourite´s god-damn-awful filmography. Bad films happen. To everybody from Dilip Kumar to Akshay Kumar. Sometimes they are not even really that bad, but somehow disappointing and weak. Some of such films of some of my favourite actors to follow.

Jodi Breakers

Directed by: Ashwini Chaudhary

Starring: Madhavan, Bipasha Basu, Omi Vaidya

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I tried to watch the film before, but turned it off after first 15 or so minutes, but then I told myself I may not want to be as harsh, after all Madhavan is my teddy-bear. Sadly his presence doesn´t save the film, and the character he plays is actually one of the most annoying loosers I´ve seen on screen. Bipasha is way too unbelievable with her innocent act and the two have no chemistry. The film has one of the dumbest twists (and resolves) ever. So he destroys somebody else´s marriage so his ex-wife can get a rich new husband and he gets his car back? Really? And I am supposed to root for this person? And frankly I didn´t see s single reason what would Sid need Sonali as his partner anyway, thus even the basic plot doesn´t really make sense. To top it all Omi Vadiya was completely annoying as a sex God from the high heavens. In one word: lame. Why was Helen in this?

.....

Paa

Directed by: R. Balki

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Vidya Balan, Abhishek Bachchan

Released: 2009

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I guess some films are just overrated. After having a shock from rather awkward subtitles narrated for whatever reason by Jaya Bachchan, I was kept waiting .... and waiting for the awesomeness praised by the critics to appear, but it never did. The story deals with a very sad issue of progeria, a rare disease causing the body to age before its time – and that very rapidly. The main character, a twelve years old boy Auro, suffering from the condition, actually has a body of an 80 year old. And what more – he doesn´t have a father. Or rather, doesn´t know him. After all this father did not want a child and only because Auro´s mother refused to go for an abortion and left her partner was the child born. The fate however brings the family together again. Everybody in the film does an OK job. From Abhishek to Amitabh, who did not really understand what age he is trying to act. Instead of a 12 years old his handling of the character made Auro seem like barely 7 years old boy. He did well, don´t get me wrong, but nothing overly impressive. I had the same problem with Sridevi in Sadma, where she is supposed to act like 7 years old, but instead gives an impression of a four-year-old, and that does a hell lot of a difference. Vidya is the best of the lot, but is criminally deprived of deserved screen time by the male protagonists. If anything the movie should have been named Maa, because what I took from the film was really the assurance that love of a mother is above everything.

.....

Bhootnath

Directed by: Vivek B. Sharma

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Aman Siddiqui, Juhi Chawla, Shahrukh Khan

Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Not one, but two favourites included – Shahrukh and Juhi – and yet... oh Mr. Sharma this is a perfect example of wasting great acting talent. When you have actors like this you don´t give all the screentime to a kid. Bhootnath is a fine film for children, but far from a great piece of cinema the director presents it till this day.

Shahrukh, the freakingly handsome in his white uniform sea cruise captain moves his wife and son into a new house, not caring everybody says it is haunted. He promptly leaves and his wife invests all her time to attempts to make the new living space more comfortable, while their son soon discovers the house is indeed haunted by a grumpy and dirty old ghost. In no time, they become friends. There are way too many question concerning the ghost (sometimes he can´t touch things, sometimes he can, he apparently eats and can shave and wash..... way too many supernatural powers for one sad soul if you ask me, and pretty much defying everything one would imagine when it comes to ghosts), but I guess children wouldn´t really mind. However the kids should not be too demanding. There is nothing scary or hilarious about the story and the situations shown. See, I don´t even know what else to write. Watch and forget movie.

Chupke Chupke

Directed by: Hrishikesh Mukherjee

Starring: Dharmendra, Om Prakash, Amitabh Bachchan, Sharmila Tagore, Jaya Bachchan

Released: 1975

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

There used to be a time when while watching a comedy movie you could do so with the whole family from half-deaf grandma to the smallest kids without worrying that a vulgar joke will be said, without fear that in the next moment twenty naked oily girls are going to weave themselves into the limbs of the hero. That was a time of films like Chupke Chupke, which is among the very best of genuine, entertaining and harmless comedies.

Starring the ever so charming Dharmendra as the main lead, the film starts with him (under the name of Parimal Tripathi, a famous botany professor) trying to help out a keeper of a mountain bungalow by pretending to be him. To his horror as soon as he disguises himself and the real keeper wanders off to visit his son in a hospital, a bus loaded with female botany students arrives and he has to fulfill all the keeper´s duties. Among the girls we can find Sulekha (young and fresh Sharmila Tagore), who ultimately finds out the truth about Parimal and the two fall in love.

Love? I´m here to keep the bungalow. I charge more for falling in love.

Nobody objects and so they soon get married, but Parimal´s marital bliss is constantly bugged by a relative he has not even met yet – Sulekha´s brother-in-law (Om Prakash). Apparently whatever he does and says is treated as the Holy word in the whole family, because he is well educated and witty. Finally Parimal is way too annoyed with all the praise on the adress of „jijaji“ and makes a bet with Sulekha: He is going to show her her brother-in-law is just as human and can make mistakes like every other mortal by tricking him. Soon after jijaji employs a new driver for his family, not aware he is no other than Parimal, the new relative he has not yet met.

Jijaji 24-hours nonstop telephone help line. May I share my words of wisdom with you?

Truth is that until some point the whole thing is interesting to watch and after that becomes somehow pointless. The trickery evolves into an intricate scheme organized by Parimal, but using help of not only Sulekha, but also some of his friends, but somehow you never get to know why. After some time it leaves the intention to mislead the poor jijaji and becomes more of a fun game enjoyed by the ones who actually do know what is going on, but causing much genuine distress to those not involved in the plot. And when it comes to that, I always feel rather uncomfortable. Anyway the films manages to overcome its own pointlessness with pure entertainment guaranteed mostly by the one and only Dharam, whose comic timing is perfect and his natural charm just keeps you with a smile plastered on your face throughout.

Can I please have one more uniform? With pinky butterflies, please?

Let´s do some romancing among flower petals first!

The last 20 minutes are weaker than the rest of the movie, mostly because the focus shifts to Parimal´s friend Sukumar Sinha (Amitabh Bachchan) and his love troubles caused by him previously agreeing to pose as Parimal for the sake of the trickery to go on for a while longer. However how to explain to young Vasudha (Jaya Bhaduri) now that he is actually not the married botany professor, but a very much available bachelor? Not that he would act badly, but after Dharmendra compeltely stealing the show and shining in the film, Amitabh doesn´t manage to reach the level expected by the viewer. Jaya Bhaduri stays for what I usually take her – a small gray mouse without much of a screen-presence, and is somehow lost among the powerful Dharam, less powerful but still good Amitabh, and also ravishing Sharmila who is the one to keep the eyes of all glued on her. Sadly, both ladies are underused.

In spite of the silliness of the plot Chupke Chupke is a very enjoyable film and one of the most effortlessly funny comedies that have ever came out of Bollywood. Safe to watch with family, safe to watch with friends, and brightening up your day even if you are alone.

Nerdy Amitabh rates the film with 4 out of 5 Whirpool washing machines.

The big 2011 overview

2011 was kinda meh for Bollywood. True enough, there were blockbusters, there were expectations, there were hypes and there were big stars shining. But overal the quality/entertainment level of the films was rather low, performances except for few nothing amazing and music was mostly forgettable. During the year I watched exactly 157 movies, out of which only 35 were 2011 releases (as I write I am still yet to watch The Dirty Picture and several more films like Shaitaan or Shor in the city).

The year started for me with No one killed Jessica, followed by the Deol opus Yamla Pagla Deewana. I have tried to give a chance to Dil Toh Bachcha Hai Ji – and you can read in this article how it ended. Next on the list was a film that sounded interesting...

Directed by: Kiran Rao
Starring: Aamir Khan, Prateik Babbar, Monica Dogra

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

The last of the January releases I chose to sit through was Aamir Khan´s Dhobi Ghat....It is not a bad film... but nothing that I would label good either. Somehow it refuses to fit into such cathegories.  There is not much of a story and ending is apparently missing. I did like the overall atmosphere though, without ever being to Mumbai or India it engulfed me and let me with an illusion I actually, for a few minutes, understood. All other three actors (playing Shai, Munna and Yasmine) were great. Especially "Yasmine" touched me. In fact her "letters" were the most interesting and engaging part of the movie. Until Aamir discovers them, nothing makes much sense really. As for Mr. Perfectionist himself, he disappoints big time. Maybe because one would actually expect him to act, not just smoke and watch TV.

Directed by: Nikhil Advani
Starring: Akshay Kumar, Rishi Kapoor, Anushka Sharma, Dimple Kapadia

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

As February came it was Akshay Kumar´s turn to arrive on the screen with his first release of the year called Patiala House (just another in a long list of English titles that decorated the posters in 2011 – from already mentioned No one killed Jessica to Ready, Rockstar, Rascals, Desi Boyz and of course The Dirty picture just to mention a few). A heck lot of nonsense and unrealistic conspiring almost completely killed off a promising family drama with decent performances – notably from Rishi Kapoor AND Akshay himself, who has laid off his comedy king image for a while and regained some of the respect as an ACTOR (only to loose it again few weeks later.....). The film  didn´t really give me anything, but it captured some part of human relations well. Especially loved how everybody was urging Akshay to stand up to his father, but when he did they were all cowards and nobody supported him. How very human.

Right behind Akshay it was Priyanka Chopra´s first 2011 release 7 Khoon Maaf that hurriedly followed. It flopped. But to me it was one of the best films of the year, even though I´m aware that is a rather unpopular opinion. If nothing Priyanka truly impressed me – unlike her co-star from Fashion Kangana Ranaut, who messed up completely in Tanu weds Manu. It is truly unfortunate when a lead actress is the greatest weakness of otherwise enjoyable movie. March did not bring any great pleasant surprises either. You can read here what I thought of some of the releases, however one of the films originally scheduled for March I´ve only managed to watch much later, so it is missing from the article.

Directed by: Rohan Sippy
Starring: Abhishek Bachchan, Bipasha Basu, Aditya Pancholi, Prateik Babbar, Govind Nameo

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Now this is a movie definitely worth seeing. I really liked the way the narrative was done in the first part, the editing was very clever and in spite of various flashbacks not confusing at all. Performances are very good from everybody, but Abhishek is a miscast. Not because he would act badly, but because he is plain boring in the cop roles. Boring boring boring. It was during his scenes that the film would occasionally run short of breath. The guy needs to stop being a cop or a cool dude or a cool cop which is what he´s been trying to make his niché of, and find something else soon. Basically everybody else was more interesting. Deepika´s item number, which was so heavily propagated, is completely useless and not even well shot. Showstealer is none other than Aditya Pancholi, whom I used to hate in his 90s movies, but is growing on me more with advancing time.

Together with Dum Maro Dum Lara Dutta´s heartwarming, uncomplicated Chalo Dilli was the saving grace of April, which was also the month responsible for possibly the WORST of all 2011 releases. Yes, I´m talking of none other than Thank you, an Anees Bazmi film that could be used anywhere in the world as an example of how not to do cinema. Fortunately the month of May was more merciful enough to wipe Thank you and Anees Bazmi from my mind, even if only for a while. One of the best movies of the year was for me Stanley Ka Dabba. Rather unglamorous title is hiding a heartwarming, moving story, so full of love for life! Speaking about love, I´ve quite enjoyed two romantic comedies released the same month.

Directed by: Bumpy
Starring: Sraddha Kapoor, Taaha Shah

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I loved the girl! She had so much energy and I think she´s REALLY talented. She emoted terribly well. Plus she has nice voice. Plus she looks good. The pace it´s even throughout the film, it doesn´t slow down, it´s never boring. The music is catchy. And from beginning to end there was no place for any unrelated subplots that would slow it down. The special appearance by Ali Zafar, however brief, was a VERY pleasant surprise... However the revenge the girl took was far too drastic and violent for my taste. I would have preferred something more subtle. Also the use of swearing words was completely unnecesarry. Overally I really enjoyed this, even though sometimes against better judgement.

Directed by: S. Manasvi
Starring: Tusshar Kapoor, Amrita Rao

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Lot less impressive than Luv Ka The End, rather nice, "normal" film. Nothing wrong with it. Nothing outstanding in it. Some clichés, some plotholes, more clichés. No surprises, no big twists. Watching it however I realized how much I miss intensity in romantic films like this. There used to be so much intense emotions in older films about young people. Now... it´s just not there. Sad. Amrita Rao looks gorgeous and acts well, I wonder why is she seen so little and why is she not sought out for projects with actors like Imran Khan, Ranbir Kapoor? Instead she is stuck with Tusshar, who acts OK and has a charisma of a banana peel.

Directed by: Sunny Bhambhani
Starring: Sahil Mehta, Mannat Ravi, Vikay Katyal, Priyam Galav

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

And on a love note we have breezed into the month of June, riding the Love Express with a debutant director and debutant actors in four main leads. A simple story about two days spent in a train filled with two families going for a wedding, while the engaged couple is just not interested in each other, and trying to find a way out of the planned relationship. Perhaps predictable, but very sweet, and although one wasn´t exactly having fits of laughter, I had a smile plastered on my face throughout.

However at this content moment Anees Bazmi decided to attack again, even more agressively than before with the mess called Ready, for which I definitely was not ready. Salman Khan  not acting while Asin was being wasted and everybody swinging their hips in a terrible choreography while the unbearable Dhinka Chika was screaming from the amplions was more than I could digest. And the trend of lame comedies did not end there. Indra Kumar served us his Double Dhamaal (review coming eventually) and had us questioning our own intelligence once again. The two films releasing on the same day - 1st July, were both heavily propagated and especially the second one raise a lot of questions, expectations and curiosity. But before that just a few words about the first one.

Directed by: Puri Jagannath
Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Hema Malini, Sonu Sood

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I didn´t really know how to watch this, how to treat this. I did get it was supposed to be a overview of sorts, a tribute to the body of work of Amitabh Bachchan, bringing out of the wardrobe his image of an angry young man.... with the difference this was an angry old man. And somehow, angry old men are not cool. And wearing what Big B was in the film, the way he behaved, made the character completely cringeworthy. None of the storylines did really capture my attention or stood out. One of those films I have forgotten as soon as they ended.

Directed by: Abhinay Deo
Starring: Imran Khan, Vir Das, Kunaal Roy Kapur

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Shit happens. Yeah, it does. I was not sure what to expect from this one either. I thought that I will be either hilariously entertained or utterly disgusted (the promos suggested the latter). Well, the film surprised - I was neither. In fact I don´t recall a film that would leave me so completely unmoved (into any direction). Several times I smiled. Several times I didn´t like what I saw. Overally the film seemed like a background score for me thinking about completely different things! Imran suffers the fate of Aamir in 3 Idiots - meaning he is completely overshadowed by his two friends, who steal the show and actually provide the laughter. I cannot help but shake my head in disbelief over the claims this is a movie that shall take Bollywood into a new direction. There really was nothing that revolutionary or different from other half mindless half witty comedies, except for the overuse of swearing language, which by the way has no point, and it´s offensive for the pure sake of being offensive. It doesn´t hurt to see the film, but it´s nothing not-to-be-missed either. The best thing about it is actually a quick pace and quick changes of situations.

After Stanley Ka Dabba another movie that really impressed me was highly praised Zindagi Na Milegi Dobara (where for the first time I ever I did not feel the need to strangle Katrina Kaif on the spot). However Ajay Devgn´s Sigham  left me mostly unimpressed from a single reason only – throughout the movie I´ve had a feeling I have seen it all. Just last year in Dabangg. There was hardly anything different about it. And July was ended on a very low note with an attempt at historical drama that went just all wrong. Gandhi to Hitler can be considered the biggest joke the filmmakers played on us last year, at least I hope it was meant to be a joke. And then June turned into July.

Directed by: Prakash Jha
Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Saif Ali Khan, Deepika Padukone

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I liked this. Well, not all, but most of it. My liking doesn´t really have much to do with the cast or performances (which were all good), more with the topic and me being a university student just realizing how great business education really can be. In fact there were several lines in the films I´m definitely noting down, because there was so much blunt truth in them. Aarakshan is basically a one man show and that one man is this time charismatic and not ridiculous Amitabh Bachchan. Saif goes out of mind as soon as he leaves the screen. Deepika has great expressions. All she needs to work on is the intensity of her voice and some modulation, but she proved again to be my dark horse for the future years. First part was more tight and exciting then the second and to cut the film´s length down to 2 hours would have been a good idea as well.

And then of course Bodyguard came along.

Directed by: Siddique
Starring: Salman Khan, Kareena Kapoor

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Blockbuster after just few days, it was promoted as an epic love story that gives Kareena Kapoor her best role ever and Salman Bhai bhi. If there is one thing that I loved, really, really loved, it was Teri Meri. That song is awesome, full of feeling, very dramatic and yet not over the top. The picturization was good too, though Salman did way too much unnecessary running. I´m not going to say he cannot act, that wouldn´t be true as he used to act in good old days, but past few years he really doesn´t bother at all. Kareena, whom I learned to adore on screen, acts, but has nothing to work with really. Other characters are so completely sidelined it´s not even worthy talking about them, and poor villains had TWO scenes.... The fat guy trying his luck at being the new Johnny Lever annoyed the heck out of me, though I agree I loved his T-shirts stating "Six pack coming soon" and "Looking good is not a crime". The two main characters are very poorly drawn and basically boring, they don´t really go through any development - and neither does their relationship. In fact I still keep wondering where did the love came from? And similarly so I couldn´t feel for them as a couple, because the script and story simply didn´t give me a chance to feel for them, feel their love, nothing. The action was ridiculous. I can take a lot, but there is limit to everything. Way too many cheap computer effects. It was definitely better then Salman´s previous release Ready, but very overrated as far as box office goes still.

The second half of the year was considerably better, even if it held some real crap together with real gems. The better times were heralded by sweet, simple, predictable, but still highly entertaining Mere Brother Ki Dulhan, which in spite of starring Imran Khan and Katrina Kaif in the leads (none of them being a mind-blowing performers) was fine to watch.

Directed by: Ali Abbas Zafar

Starring: Imran Khan, Katrina Kaif, Ali Zafar

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

While on one hand Mere Brother Ki Dulhan definitely belongs to the better films of 2011 and offered me a pleasant enough watch, on the other hand it is one of those completely predictable films that need something special to make it work also on a second watch – a memorable performance, a smashing soundtrack, a write-it-into-stone dialogue.... and that this film does not really provide. The title itself pretty much gives away the the plot too.

Ali Zafar, an NRI settled in London, breaks up with his girlfriend (or rather – she breaks up with him and since we´re on a breaking spree also breaks his HD TV). Mere minutes later he phones his younger brother Imran Khan (living on the other side of the planet in India) and insists his brother finds him a bride (yeah, really). And Imran starts searching. After many crazy girls lining up he of course discovers THE one in the form of lovely but boring Katrina Kaif, who is boring even while doing illegal rock concerts at Agra, but to Imran she does not seem boring at all and soon enough he decides she is the right match for his brother. The criminally side-lined Ali Zafar was the best performer of the three main leads, the most natural and charming one, but he only gets some space in the second half, when he comes to India to get married. What is unknown to him is that Imran has managed to find himself in love with future bhabhi and now is not exactly keep to simply hand her over to his brother....

Nice and sweet, yet without repeat value. Mere Brother Ki Dulhan makes everyone in it likeable, but does not rise up above a standart colourful Yashraj romcom that the production house in question loves to churn out time and again.

 
At the other end of movie entertainment John Abraham´s Force gave us some serious chills as well as the most menacing new villains and in yet a different field Shahid Kapoor tried to sell his romance with Sonam Kapoor titled Mausam (review coming eventually) to the audience – unfortunatelly and deservingly he did not succeed. However by that time, having a Double Dhamaal hangover, Sanjay Dutt has sent his new baby into the world as well....

Directed by: David Dhawan
Starring: Sanjay Dutt, Ajay Devgn, Kangana Ranaut

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Throughout I kept having Deewana Mastana flashbacks, however one would be looking for the same light-heartedness, same charm or level of performances in vain in Rascals. Sanjay and Ajay were wasted, which is sad, because they really work as a male jodi and both have great comic timing. However the OTT acting is not Ajay´s cup of chai at all. Kangana needs to stop doing comedies right NOW! She was awful from beginning to end. She did not share any chemistry whatsoever with either of the two main protagonists, so even their pursue of her was not really interesting to watch. I did not like at all the way women were portraited, if that is even the word for nothing but a vulgar flesh show. Sanjay Dutt should either stop criticizing actresses for what they wear or stop producing films like Rascals. The film is also a proof that David Dhawan has completely lost his touch.

I am no fan of romantic comedies, even less of teenage romantic comedies, and although I liked Luv Ka the End, it is really an exception. Because of that I was quite surprised that another film of the same genre was pleasant as well.

Directed by: Nupur Ashtana
Starring: Saqib Saleem, Saba Azad

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

With romantic teenage comedies it is never really about story, but about concept and form, the way the script is presented. MFK is presented well. Not as energic as Luv ka the end, not as funny either, but unlike Luv Ka The End, it has a nice romantic feel, nothing goes over the top. The performances are all natural and pleasant, music, though not groundbreaking ads nice atmosphere. A good timepass.

After MFK I watched mostly older movies, waiting for more new DVDs to come out, and trying luck with several more new films. However My neither Friend Pinto nor Tell me o Khudda or Always Kabhi Kabhie held my interest for longer than 15 minutes and so I really don´t have much to say about them, except maybe that Esha Deol totally falls into the clichéd cathegory of untalented star children. Sadly enough Shahrukh Khan, whom I love so much, did not really impress me (or anyone really) with his heavily promoted Ra.One (review coming eventually), but he got back on the right track later with Don 2 (of course full review is in store). However not even he gave a better performance than Ranbir Kapoor in Rockstar (a long review so coming soon), that for me became not only the most intense love story of the year – and the best film of the year, but also a modern days classic. As I have said at the very beginning, I have not yet seen The Dirty picture, and so here got the  last two films I´m going to mention in here.

Directed by: Maneesh Sharma
Starring: Anushka Sharma, Ranveer Singh, Parineeti Chopra, Aditi Sharma Dipannita Sharma

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

LVRB takes place in some weird alternative reality where Ranveer Singh is for every girl an irresistable sexy beast and from that moment on I was a bit wary because I find him neither handsome nor hot, or even interesting. The casting of the girls was much more spot on from demure Aditi to loud-nouted Parineeti, and of course very natural Anushka. Somehow however, Anushka did not matter to me in the movie. I couldn´t care less for her feelings and actually enjoyed the three other ladies in the first half of the movie much much more. Anushka´s entry into the film however, is brilliant. The story gets rather boring in the second half and climax is predictable, though not completely justified. I truly didn´t see where the love was supposed to come from or how, in matter of few days, it could have changed one´s personality completely. Ranveer has not much to work with really, except walking around showing off his body and being supposedly sexy. He was much less impressive than in BBB. His pairing with Anushka is highly praised all over the place, but to be honest they do not really "do it" for me. Music was blah, choreography bad. An OK film, but not much more than that.

Directed by: Rohit Dhawan
Starring: Akshay Kumar, John Abraham, Deepika Padukone, Chitrangda Singh

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

For me personally the most enjoyable comedy of the whole 2011. In spite of the things that kinda sucked, it was still so enjoyable and fun! What I truly appreciated was the absence of cheap and vulgar jokes that are such a rage these days, and even though there definitely are several "sex related" scenes the soul of the film remains quite innocent. The highlight performances for me were John (whose comedy had me in splits), Anupam Kher (whose every scene had me in splits) and Deepika (who just really needs to work more on her dialogue delivery, but looks drop dead gorgeous and acts brilliantly in several scenes and is good in the rest). Chitrangda looks beautiful and does well in whatever she´s given, but I did not like her character, that indeed seemed somehow desperate and well, unneccessarily horny. I´m not really a fan of Akshay´s, but he was fine - and his "job interview" was perfect. Sanjay Dutt looked really bad and apparently the composers can take a rest while writing music while he´s on screen because they can always throw Khalnayak main theme out there and everyone is happy. The emotional scenes were unimpressive.

So that was the year 2011 in Bollywood through my eyes. Thank you if you managed to read through this loooong post. ;)