Dilwale

Directed by: Rohit Shetty

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Kajol, Varun Dhawan, Kriti Sanon, Johnny Lever, Boman Irani

Released: 2015

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Bade Bade Deshon Mein Aise Bure Bure Filme Kyun Hote Rehte Hai? So very high on style and so so so so poor on everything else, including the most important bit: the entertainment. Dilwale is really no worse than many 90s films that I actually enjoyed. In fact most of it seems like written right on the sets without preparation or thinking about posterity – a common practice back in the day. The problem is that both cinema and me have moved forward since then and making a movie like this simply doesn´t seem like a good idea anymore. I have been patiently waiting for a great Shahrukh Khan film since 2007. His latest collaboration with the cars fetishizing Rohit Shetty prolongs this wait yet again. I liked Singham and enjoyed Chennai Express, however the more success Shetty gets the lazier he becomes when putting everything together.

The story stretches your brain into the dimension of complete confusion, the level of suspension of disbelief raises too damn high. Let´s just say I absolutely don´t buy that when two mafia gangs loose their bosses they simply disintegrate and move into the same town where they live for fifteen years without ever running into each other, especially since they maintain quite public profile as enterpreneurs.

Rarely do I find the whole cast of individuals, that I actually like in other things, so annoying at once. From Hyperun Dhawan with some pee and shadily lewd jokes he spurs in first ten minutes, to Boman Irani who is presented as a complete idiot without being funny at all (what propelled Shetty´s Singham forward was a sense of threat, there is nothing of it here), and of course Kajol being cute and bubbly at first, everyone grated on my nerves with their „acting“. Furthermore random comedy scenes with Johnny Lever used to be a filler, while in Dilwale it takes at least 70% of the whole length of the film. As for Shahrukh Khan, once upon a time my favourite Bollywood actor (he had vacated the number one spot to Dilip Kumar by now), he looks sexy as hell with the beard, but damn all those filters erasing every single line away from his face deserve a vanity van of their own. I liked Shah in this better than in Happy New Year, in which he was just awful, still a very lazy performance that challenged him in absolutely no way.

Kajol has probably never looked more beautiful, never has been so well styled before. But that is as much as Dilwale offers to her and her fans, for the role has no meat and her character is same old same old. No matter that she wields a gun (and when she is in BIG trouble she goes: „Kaaaaaaaliiiiiiiii!“) and is not 20. Her role is of that kind of spoilt college queens who learn their lesson when the guy they had previously treated badly doesn´t repay them with evil, and so they fall in loooove with him. Then there is a misunderstanding. That gets cleared up later by someone completely unrelated. And all is theek again. If you like the SRK/Kajol pairing, you can enjoy some of the scenes probably better than me. But you have to admit the whole romantic angle sucked, consisting of long stares that got awkward sooner or later only.

In the end Dilwale just seems like the team got together to have a good time and to excuse this big party they improvised some scenes without thinking, then sloppily pasted those together. Not even action scenes look good, though usually are Shetty´s strong suit, because of over-editing and annoying flashes and sound effects. Shahrukh Khan let me down. Varun Dhawan cooled my enthusiasm for himself. Kriti Sanon had better role in Heropanti. Kajol proves yet again she doesn´t really care for the quality of the script as long as big name is attached to a project. Rohit Shetty aspires to be the next Prabhudeva of the film direction. And he stole a scene from Love Actually that is so iconic even I know it though I´ve never seen that film.

So very average it deserves the bad rating, because films with so much money in them, starring such big names, and earning that much paise, should simply be better.

Dushman

Directed by: Tanuja Chandra

Starring: Kajol, Ashutosh Rana, Sanjay Dutt

Released: 1998

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Few crimes are as awful as a rape. Not only it causes physical harm, it strips the victim of their dignity, violates their privacy, often it crushes their spirit. And when a rape ends with just as violent murder, hardly anything the darkest nightmare could conjure up even compares. And yet that is exactly how this film starts and what it deals with. 

The lives of two twin sisters Naina and Sonia seem happy enough, with both going to the college and one of them accepting a marriage proposal from her boyfriend. In the good Bollywood tradition of twin behaviour, Naina (Kajol with long hair) is a calm, angelic and gentle being, whilst Sonia (Kajol in the most awful wig since the beginning of Bollywood until Anushka Sharma in P.K.) is loud, intimidating, roughened up kid. But then they capture attention of a rapist and Sonia pays the price. The angelic Naina sets on a quest of finding her sister´s killer, and hopes to prevent his perverted actions in the future. Her journey involves overcoming her own demons and fears, as well as some jogging and weight-lifting under the careful guidance of blind Sanjay Dutt.

Horrifying as it is, Dushman is a great film. I have not seen the Hollywood original, but I dare say Dushman definitely is a more than worthy remake. Perhaps the best scene are the moments before Sonia´s death, as Naina helplessly, verging on hysteria, runs among the cars in traffic jam, all the time listening to Sonia´s screams over the cell-phone. The portrayal of the rapist and murdered is excellent, showing him not only as a disgusting deviant, but also a cunning liar and sly operator, who manipulates the only woman who (for whatever reason) actually cares for him.

The star of the whole thing is of course Kajol, who is only challenged in her performance by truly terrifying Ashutosh Rana. It is by far the best work I´ve seen Kajol doing and I would be much happier if people would talk about her talent with references to films like this rather than to mediocre stuff like Kuch Kuch Hota Hai or even worse to K3G. Dushman gives her a great scope and great material to work with and she seizes the opportunity. However I would have been much happier had there be no love subplot, which I found completely unnecessary, not to mention Sanjay and Kajol do not work as a jodi to me, not at all. Sanjay overal did well, but his character, just as the whole subplot, was given more importance than I would like, as I was hyped about all the thrilling stuff and confrontations between Kajol and Ashutosh, and Sanjay bits were only slowing everything down and distracted one´s interest. For the sake of everything it would have been better if we saw more of the training than romance.

The climax was way too violent, way too long and the music behind it way too awful. And the very ending took away from the feeling of satisfaction brought in by the climax. The romance nobody cared about should not have diluted the sense of relief and justice previously brought on by the bloody death of the rapist at the hands of his upcoming victim.

Excellent thriller I cannot recommend to ladies as a late night movie unless you have a box of chocolate, strong boyfriend and fully loaded Beretta by your side.

Pyaar Kiya To Darna Kya

Directed by: Sohail Khan

Starring: Salman Khan, Arbaaz Khan, Kajol, Dharmendra

Released: 1998

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Who wouldn´t immediately think about the iconic song from Mugal-E-Azam upon hearing this film´s title, right? Well, there are no palaces and princes in this one. It is pretty much all Salman Khan in his pre-lazy period rocking the screen. Nice colours, nice music, nice story, I really found Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya, directed by the youngest of three Khan brothers, supported by the fame of the eldest and giving job to the middle one, an endearing venture. In a way it reminded me of DDLJ, mainly because the plot is driven by an idea of young man butting into the girl´s family, trying to win their affection, and to top it the girl yet again is none other than Kajol, but it is really just a similarity and no rip-off I believe.

Muskaan (Kajol) is an orphan, living in a village with her still dashing uncle (Dharam Paaji) and elder, somehow grumpy brother Vishal (Arbaaz), who really doesn´t talk much, neither he likes others to talk much. Other characters we get introduced to are Muskaan´s friend Ujala, who has more than a crush on Vishal (he seems to be completely oblivious and uninterested, even after she throws some uber-sexy dance in his way) and a home cook, who has no role really, but I believe he deserves a mention for the proud presentation of some really weird wardrobe.

Indeed.

The same awful thing is to be used as a punishment for the hero.

Vishal is greatly concerned for Muskaan, she being his everything. And so he keeps rejecting all the marriage proposals and beats the heck out of everybody who even dares to look at her. For all his love and caring, obviously, Muskaan feels rather suffocated in her small uneventful world and so pleads with her brother to be allowed to study in a big city. Reluctantly Vishal agrees and even more reluctantly he drops her to the college – where to his utmost horror young people smoke and – shock shock - DATE!!!! Oh, had he only known his perfectly normal sister may – GASP! - fall in love with a guy her age and choice, he would never have let her go there! But fortunately for Muskaan he cannot see into the future and so she can enjoy a little of life.

Soon enough her friend Suraj (Salman) falls in love with her and wins her affection in return. Unfortunately her big brother, with an empathic ability of a frozen Alsatian dog after a brain transplantation, says a big no no and Muskaan is promptly taken home. But Suraj is not ready to give up on her, and so he finds himself on a quest of sneaking into her home and trying to win everyone over. And he nearly succeeds – but Vishal bumps into a hairy guy looking as stoned as himself, and decides this dude he has known for a few days is the right one for his sister. That is may not be the best decision ever, you can already guess....

"I hairy. You hairy. I stoned. You sleazy. I give sister. You take sister. Deal?"

Salman and Kajol make a lovely couple. She is delightful as meek, yet loyal Muskaan, but is rather sidelined in the second part of the film, I felt. That is Salman´s show, and he is pure hilarious. Suraj is a perfect combination of a young man very much serious about his love, at the same time he is still a bit of a mischievous child, and Salman captured both the sides of his character beautifully. His comic talent was in the top form. We cannot really shower praises on his brother though. After impressive debut in Daraar, it turned out he is actually not at all a good actor, and the creepy/stoned/unfeeling character is actually how he comes off on screen 99% of the time. Dharam Paaji has a role which is rather useless, but hey, he is Dharam Paaji, mature and handsome, and he gets to kick some butt too.

Pyar Kiya To Darna Kya is a light, fun ride with good cinematography and catchy tunes,and among other little pleasure offering also a hilarious fight among stars of the olden days and younger, then contemporary, stars of the big screen. 

Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge

Directed by: Aditya Chopra

Starring: Shahrukh Khan, Kajol, Amrish Puri, Farida Jalal, Anupam Kher

Released: 1995

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I was deeply disappointed by Dilwale Dulhania Le Jayenge. It is a film you will find in all the „must see“ Bollywood lists, it is massively popular and what is even more amazing it is still running in the theaters. For some it is the best of the best Bollywood movies ever. An evergreen classic. And it did not blow me away at all when I saw it the first time. I still remember how I was sitting in front of the screen as the closing credits rolled, me rather baffled, and I thought to myself: „Was that it?“ I failed to see the greatness there should be to rave about completely. But then after some time I returned to the film. And since then I have done so about four times. And other times I watched just small portions of it. And I realized that the beauty of DDLJ is in its simplicity and repeat value. It does not have the most amazing plot twist and it is all in all quite predictable, it does not have gorgeous sets to take your breath away and editing is a bit sloppy at times, but the film has an unusual freshness to it that can still be felt years after it first released and got so many fans.

This really wouldn´t be my reaction over prospect of being stuck with SRK....

The story line is notoriously known so let´s just sum it up quickly: Europe. Raj meets Simran. Simran hates Raj because he saw her bra and actually can play a piano. Raj doesn´t rape Simran even though they spend a night in a closed space together. Simran and Raj fall in love. But oh! Simran´s dad is Amrish Puri which in itself spells trouble. And indeed we are given his famous deadly stare and off goes Simran to India and her arranged fiancé she has never even seen. Raj, fully armed with a mandoline and a cow bell, follows, chupke chupke. Raj convinces everyone, while being in disguise, he is the most perfect guy ever. Amrish Puri deadly stares as he finds out the truth. Raj apologizes for even trying and makes a quick exit. Amrish Puri deadly stares as a train with Raj starts to move forward. They stare at each other. Still staring. Amrish Puri has a sudden change of heart and urges Simran to outrun the train and hop on. Simran runs. Running. Dramatic music in the background. Simran catches Raj´s hand and he pulls her into the train. 

One of the most famous Bollywood endings has actually many shortcomings. Why doesn´t the train actually move at the speed it should. Why doesn´t Simran hop into the nearest door and instead needs to outrun several carriages. Why the hell doesn´t Raj actually step out of the train? But as I´ve said before, DDLJ is not a perfect, flawless film. It has loads of fluffy charm to make up for it. Not even the performances are award-worthy (though numerously awarded), but there is so much earnestness in young Shahrukh Khan and natural appeal in Kajol you believe them without a complaint. It is no secret I am no fan of their jodi, as appalling as it sounds to many of you. I think they look like siblings most of the time. DDLJ however presented them so well even I couldn´t rant about my reservations towards the couple. Still, it shall forever be a great sorrow to me that DDLJ could not have been made with the original choice for Simran, the unfortunate Divya Bharti...

People usually rave about the second part of the movie, which almost entirely belongs to Shahrukh Khan as Raj, whilst Kajol as Simran remains largely passive, letting him do what he seems fit - after all that is what he asks her to do. I personally enjoyed the first part with their bonding in Switzerland more, it had more of things actually happening and there was more delightful comedy involved, it was also a lot less tear-heavy. The supporting character actors were dearly loved people whom we have learned to see in every other movie. They all do what we are used to know from them. Amrish Puri being the negative person in the film (but for once not evil), Farida Jalal an understanding and gentle mother, Anupam Kher a slightly whacky dad who interferes with everybody´s bussiness. All were lovely to watch. Though as a person who knows Karan Johar primarily as a TV host and a director of awful films it was kind of bizzare to watch him on screen as one of SRK´s friends...

"Actually, keep your daughter. Our kids could inherit your stare."

Great deal in the film´s appeal also lies in an extremely melodious and catchy soundtrack. It involves two pretty much iconic songs Tujhe Dekha To and Mehndi Laga Ki Rakhna, but all the tracks are good.

DDLJ is definitely overrated when labeled as perfect and the best ever film. But it is undeniably an all time classic with a truly tremendous repeat value, and it definitely belongs to all those „must see“ lists, even though if only as a reference point to the modern Bollywood romance it has become alongside two other biggies – Hum Aapke Hain Koun and Dil To Pagal Hai. The big three to bring romance and family values back after all the action packed massalas that ruled the cinemas for years post Sholay. It also remains the best Aditya Chopra work till date. In fact, I don´t think he came even close with any of his other movies. A begginer´s luck perhaps?

U, Me aur Hum

Directed by: Ajay Devgn
Starring: Ajay Devgn, Kajol, Divya Dutta, Sumeet Raghavan
Released: 2008

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Though we can doubt Ajay Devgn´s good taste when it comes to atrocious Hinglish title (which could very easily turn into a nice Mein, Tum aur Hum), his ambition to stamp his authority on all branches of cinema is nothing to be dismissed easily. U Me aur Hum is a proof of this. From direction, to acting as the male lead, scripting the story and production he has the power over all, the film apparently being a cherished baby of his. However though giving it absolutely all (including his own wife), this off-spring does not turn out what the parent has once imagined.

It all starts highly simply. Ajay meets Piya (Kajol) on a lavish sea cruise and it is a love at first sight for him, while she finds him kinda creepy. To win her over Ajay chooses one of the safest ways – he reads her scrapbook/diary and immediately takes advantage of knowing her preferences – without being told. And isn´t every girl´s dream to find a guy who can read your every wish in your eyes? So Ajay turns a dog-lover, a dance champion and many others things in mere days, in spite of never being a single of those things before boarding the ship. But his love is true, you see, and finally he confesses to his deed to Piya, who is naturally very disappointed and asks him to leave. He does, but makes her promise to think about their relationship and leaves her his phone number. It takes some time, but because this is a love story movie she of course calls. And they get married. Just like that. Ther life could not be more happy actually. True, Piya gets rather forgetful, but otherwise nothing spoils the joy, especially when she gets pregnant.

"I luv uuuuuu!"

"Creepy is the new sexy."

But what if a mere forgetful was to turn out to be an a slowly advancing Alzheimer? Because that actually is what her occasional, but still more frequent and serious blank outs of memory are. And even thought you have suspected nothing something is wrong, this definitely comes as a nasty surprise. Up until that moment a highly boring film speeds up and I had to witness Kajol forgetting the most basic things. That she is married. That she is pregnant. That she has given birth. That her baby in in the tub full of water!!! Her black outs get more and more serious and scary as the disease is rapidly progressing. And there is more uneasy to watch stuff in store. Ajay suffering. Ajay admitting his wife into a medical center. Ajay wanting to take her home again. Kajol screaming. Kajol screeching. Kajol crying. Ajay weeping. You can be 100 % sure you shall feel next to physically sick by the end of the film – that ironically (and illogically) returns to the blissful pinky coloured mood of the beginning.

To watch this woman loosing her mind at times was just too painful.

More then sad I found the movie incredibly disturbing, and that in a very unpleasant manner. The great performances by both Ajay and Kajol, and equally as great Divya Dutta and Sumeet Raghavan in supporting roles, nothing could justify for me the terrible pointlessness of the suffering described. Don´t get me wrong - I think they did a very good job portraying such a serious illness (though I´m sure some of it was not really accurate), but at times it was all just way too much - especially since the only possible message (of not leaving your loved ones alone when they need you) was rather too subtle and came too late in the film. Several times I considered not finishing the movie not because it would be bad, but because I felt sick watching it. The absolutely unbearable scene is the near drowning child and even though it´s clear the kid survives I could not watch that.

Chalo darling. You have Alzhemeir so let´s admit you into.... an aquarium!

Music was terrible, no plus points there, and the background score during the first hour was annoying.

Performances deserve a high rating, but I could not enjoy this film and I´m sure I don´t want to see it ever again. „Sometimes the greatest journey is the distance of all people“ claims the official motto. And sometimes the greatest distance is between beginning of the film to its end.

We Are Family

Directed by: Sidhart Malhotra

Starring: Kareena Kapoor, Kajol, Arjun Rampal

Released: 2010

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I never expect much from remakes, but I´m always giving them a chance. I have seen some good ones over the years, some not good ones but still enjoyable, and some even better then the original. Unfortunatelly „We are family“ doesn´t fit any of those cathegories.

So what have we here? It has been three years since Aman and Maya got divorced, but obviously they are absolutely at ease with each other. They have three children, all healthy, reasonably happy and unreasonably annoying. The idylic life continues up until the moment Shreya falls into it (literally). She is Aman´s girlfriend, and that combined with one ruined birthday cake makes her an evil witch for the children. Unlike Maya she has career ambitions, and though she honestly loves Aman, taking care of his three hyper-sensitive and hysterical children is not her idea of a day spent well. Plus she has no idea how to do so either. So the next thing you know she is left with them all alone for a whole day. She does her best. She cooks for them. She takes them out for an ice-cream. She tries to be friendly. They behave like the worst bunch of spoilt brats (OK – to be fair, this is mostly about the eldest one). And in the end of the day Maya demands that Sherya should never ever be left alone with her innocent little angels (a slap or two once in a while would do them all good!), because she represents danger to them. Why should they get friendly with a person their father loves anyway? And they don´t need another mother. Or do they?

Will you take care of my three annoying kids and over-submissive ex-husband?

Sure. That is my childhood fantasy.

But soon enough Maya finds out that she has cervical cancer. Aman´s immediate reaction is to break up with Shreya, then he moves back in with Maya to ensure children and her will be looked after. But now Maya sees that it just may not be enough.... and she herself asks Shreya to give up her career, all her dreams and come to take her place with completely everything from dressing the three bratty kids in the morning to baking cookies for the family.... I think that most of you already can guess the outcome of the film.

WAF (known among many Bollywood fans more appropriately as WTF) is lame. And if you don´t think it was lame, then you cannot call it anything else but average. And it is also a great example of how a moving story can turn out awkward. I did not understand why it takes place in Australia. There is not ONE reason for that. And I did not understand why Kareena Kapoor got a Supporting actress award, when she is so clearly the main lead. Kareena is the true saving grace of the film. Her character could very easily turn into an unlikeable one, especially seen through traditional Indian eyes. She was „the other woman“. But she managed to be just wonderful and you cannot help but rooting for her in everything she does. There is both subtlety and strength in her character, the whole range of emotions and she approaches the role with a mature understanding. Kajol too does more then well, after all she is one of those actresses who cannot be bad, sadly the script lets her down a big time. There is really not much she can do except slowly fading away – and making herself rather unlikeable with constant jealousy and over-protectiveness.

I promise I´ll do the dishes just gimme one decent dialogue!

Arjun is lost between the two women. Even little Anjali and Ankush take over him when it comes to both screen-time and screen-presence. Which is rather sad, because he is a fine actor and his jodi with Kareena was delightful in the few romantic scenes we were given. His pairing with Kajol though doesn´t work at all. He is not only sidelined, but has really no place in the film, and probably realizes what it was to be a heroine in the 80s (used as an excuse for a plot and then to disappear into oblivion). The children are casted well, if they were meant to be annoying that is. While „Anjali“ and „Ankush“ loose the annoy-me factor througout the film and become cute, „Aleya“ maintains her coldness and over-acting. The two younger kids manage to create some bond with Kajol (Arjun is yet again left out of his own family), but Aleya is completely out of place from beginning to end.

They need a) a book b) a crown c) a tight slap.

The scenes with a potential to be moving are killed off by either 1. over-the-top hysteria, 2. done-to-death dialogues, 3. awful music. The last factor was particularly disturbing. The main theme is lovely to hear once, but it keeps returning again and again without any change to it, and soon enough becomes cringe-worthy. The emotional moments are marked by unforgivably insensitive rock song and do not even get me started at the horrendous Jail House rock remake – both the song and picturization (or the pointlessness of that whole scene. Dying mother wants to show her family that she is fun now. Like really?)

Instead of sobbing heartily I caught myself thinking about the fried chicken with chips about 20 minutes before the end. The artificial, straight-forward tear jerker made me hungry, but definitely not for more.

Arjun Rampal. The modern day version of the 80s Bollywood heroine.

Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham

Directed by: Karan Johar

Starring: Amitabh Bachchan, Jaya Bachchan, Shahrukh Khan, Kajol, Hrithik Roshan, Kareena Kapoor

Released: 2001

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

„Not-at-all-dear Karan Johar,

I hate you with passion. Because what you do is that you thrust your greedy hand into people´s chest, you rip their hearts out and then you dance tango over them in tapping shoes. You want them to cry. You want them to cry a LOT. You don´t want to give them anything. You only want to take. While your venture with Kuch Kuch Hota Hai was watchable and Kal Ho Naa Ho quite fun thanks to Saif Ali Khan, your atrocious Kabhi Khushi Kabhie Gham is the best example of a commercial crap that forces out tears, tears and more tears under a pretext of being a film about family values.

Worst regards

Not-ever-yours Hater.“

I have seen films that bored me to death. I have seen films that made me angry with sheer stupidity. I have seen films that left me utterly confused. K3G 1.) bored me to death 2.) made me angry with sheer stupidity 3.) left me utterly confused PLUS 4.) made me hate Karan Johar and Jaya Bachchan. Why did I watch it then? Because it sadly is one of the most famous films of the past decade and even more sadly it is hugely popular. I can positively say that the films I´ve seen so far and hated had at least one redeeming quality to them. But this has NOTHING, nothing at ALL!!! The story itself is not bad, though not the most exciting or original ever (that wouldn´t bother me one bit). The script though is TERRIBLE, performances bellow average at their best and direction shows a lazy approach with one aim only – to make a hit film. Not a film for someone. Film for money! That is what makes Karan Johar stand out among other directors. His unashamed hunger for commercial success. And he will use anything to get it. I don´t even know where to start with all the bashing of this waste of celluloid!

Amitabh Bachchan plays an elderly father of a family, that consists of his wife (Jaya Bachchan) and two sons, adopted Rahul (yeah yeah.... Shahrukh and who else. They run out of names for him a long time ago) and their own Rohan (some fat kiddo, then Hrithik Roshan). They are a PERFECT family. And I mean PERFECT (aka they have larger than life photos of themselves everywhere, including one really freaky family portrait). They love each other, they celebrate Diwalis in STYLE and they are DISGUSTINGLY rich. Their house was apparently imported from England and used to be a castle. They don´t usually use cars (those are apparently for poor), they prefer helicopters, and they have a garden of a size of central China. But then Rahul falls in love with a poor girl Anjali (Kajol). BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! Thunder strikes and it signifies Amitabh Bachchan is not amused. After Rahul hears out some abuses on the adress of a girl he loves, he does what every perfect son would – he begs on his knees for forgiveness. But duh! Anjali just lost her father. And so instead of dumping her Rahul marries her. BOOM BOOM BOOM!!! Amitabh Bachchan is like seriously pissed. So he says that from now on Rahul should get out. And Rahul goes. And because obviously India is way too small, he settles down in London. There his wife gets birth to a son and next ten years spends with xenophobic ranting against everything even remotely English. With them lives also Anjali´s younger sister Pooja (Kareena Kapoor), who grows up into a Paris Hilton-ish airhead and with her equally stupid friends rules the college. But then her heart is stricken with love as soon as a MUSCULAR guy gets out of his fancy red car. YEAH! Rohan, Rahul´s younger brother, lost the baby fat (but he still cannot do his shoe-laces) and now he set out to unite his family. And the best way to do so is to pretend you are a complete stranger and sneak into Rahul´s home. Wah Wah. Kya planning hai! By this time I was really thinking about killing myself and only finished the film because I found fascinating how BAD it actually was.

Absolutely typical Indian home.

Karan Johar says that „It is all about loving your parents“, but the film says that it is all about endless whining, weeping, sobbing, crying and being miserable. They are still talking about how they love each other, but NOBODY does ANYTHING to show that love. No. They prefer to call you a disgrace (Amitabh), sulk in London for ten years (Shahrukh), emotionally blackmail everyone (Hrithik) or bulging eyes while silently crying (Jaya). There is absolutely no love going on on the screen. You cannot feel any emotions. All the actors are like in their own vacuum, where they act, and they just happen to be in one frame together. There is nothing that could be called an interaction. Amitabh is highly unlikable as a stubborn aging father who loves his authority more then his family. Jaya Bachchan getting an award for looking retarded most of the time is an insult. Shahrukh Khan is looking unforgivably sexy, but is so clean and sweet and perfect that even he was a sore to look at after all that whining! Kajol, whom I finally started to like more then just tolerating her presence on screen, is made to behave like a drunken twit (I shall never forgive Karan for this). And since I am among the minority who does not really see what is THAT special about them, their jodi does not save anything for me. Rani is decent and wasted and forgettable. Hrithik is a goody goody with muscles and that´s where it ends. Kareena had no importance in the story at all.

Music, except for two songs, is very average. And there is one more thing about Karan Johar´s films: the main theme shall repeat again...and again.... and again..... until you feel like kicking into something every time it appears. I had the same problem with Kuch Kuch Hota Hai main theme. And when they inserted it into this film too, it just couldn´t get any worse.... I usually don´t mind mentions of other films and such, but here Karan was celebrating his own film, and that is cringeworthy to say the least. The visuals are terrible. When Yash Chopra makes an imaginary, utopistic clean world for his characters to live in, it is all just a background for feelings and there is honesty in his films. Karan Johar overwhelms you (and makes you practically sick) with the sheer opulence, that is kind of falling on you and you suffocate under it. The visuals are MEANT to overwhelm you. They are not a part of the story at all (as it is the case with Bhansali´s films). They are simply there and make you uneasy. And when a choir of English kids starts singing Indian anthemn, the patriotism is so forced down your throat it´s hard not to be almost physically sick. And just in case you are not moved enough, they will show you a disabled girl smiling happily during that.

Not moving, not appealing, not honest, not even cheesy. A cringeworthy documentary on „How to weep annoyingly and steadily“.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

Weeping.

"Can we stop weeping now, please?"