Mann

Directed by: Indra Kumar

Starring: Aamir Khan, Manisha Koirala, Anil Kapoor, Sharmila Tagore

Released: 1999

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I sincerely, honestly believe that the ONLY thing that ever made indra Kumar´s films work was Madhuri Dixit. Apart from Dil, which I consider a good film, even if flawed, Beta and Raja were only bearable because of her awesomeness and talent, and everything after that I have seen of his work just plain sucks. Mann is no different.

I write poetry in my spare time. Love me.

There is so much wrong with the plot! A severely mopy Sati Savitri Manisha falls in love with a cheater and a liar because he loves his grandmom. Because him being able to appreciate the old lady equals, in Manisha´s eyes, to being a good person. In fact, the character played by Aamir Khan is repulsive, unlikeable asshole and womanizer, who enjoys being creepy. The lengths he goes to while „wooing“ women would get him a restraining order in real life. Yet she falls in love with him, is jealous of girls he pays attention to, even though she has rejected him before. By the time the movie reached the interval I was ripping my hair out of frustration and sheer disbelief. Then the asshole-ish hero turns good and full of izzat overnight. How am I supposed to buy that?

"What the..."

"Do I turn you on?"

"Totally!"

In the second half of the film we are served a completely different story. That of selfless love and that you should look around before crossing the road. Manisha´s face is all swollen throughout and her glycerin-tears-stained cheeks can only be equaled by Jaya Bachchan´s from Kabhi Khusi Kabhi Ghum. Because our heroine lost both her legs! From extreme „hilarity“ the movie sinks into extreme depression, and everything is so theatrical you just wonder what has the director do to make all these good actors act so terribly. 

So hot.

I was irked by so many things in the story, but the greatest outrage was perhaps when Manisha admits to the headmistress of the orphanage (where she had grown up) that she doesn´t want to marry the cheerful and genuinely nice Anil Kapoor (whom I did not expect in the least to show up), because she loves the womanizing stalker. She is then lectured on how she has no right whatsoever to follow her heart and be actually honest with her fiancé, because, you know, there is a chance he just might turn into a lunatic and go crazy because of that. And also: certainly, if she dares to refuse him, nobody will ever marry a girl from an orphanage again. Like WTF.

"Was my moustache not pervy enough for you, biatch?"

Aamir Khan is at his annoying worst (I think I read he regretted doing the film? It would definitely make sense.) Manisha looks disturbingly ill, I had to wonder whether she had some issues with her health off screen. Comedy has never been her forte, and her tragedy is too overdone in this. Anil Kapoor comes and goes, with the only sane character to play, but being himself more than anything. Sharmila Tagore cast as Aamir Khan´s grandmother felt so wrong! The fabulous actress, who was in her fifties at the time, is unrecognizable under a deck up of at least 80 year old woman, who appears very briefly only to pile on some more depression by dying in the second half.

"I am a Cinderella waiting for a Prince."

"But when he brings a shoe he won´t recognize you since you have no legs now."

"You lil shit!"

Logic has never really had place in Indra Kumar´s universe, while annoying over the top comedy thrived. Mann, which also stole a song or two from vintage European hits (here is one and here is another) is a confused movie trying to go from comedy into a tragic romance, much like Dil, but comedy is lame and tragic romance frustrating. The first half, made up of every wrong cliché, made me uncomfortable, the second half with its mopier than mopy ridiculousness made me roll my eyes till they almost stuck on the other part of my head.

"Good luck and break a leg, like you broke my heart."

(note on captions: Sorry for lame jokes. I don´t  mind Anil´s stache. The Cinderella comment was indeed made in the film. Except the ending. Of course.)

PK

Directed by: Rajkumar Hirani

Starring: Aamir Khan, Anushka Sharma, Saurabh Shukla, Boman Irani, Sanjay Dutt

Released: 2014

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

I love Raju Hirani and his films. They are cheeky, provokative, yet essentially „good at heart“, working with characters that go easily over the top, but still remain believable. Even if they are an alien, and even if the same faces have been used by the same director in his previous ventures, as figures very much unforgettable.

PK share much of its features with both E.T. and OMG Oh My God (starring Paresh Rawal and Akshay Kumar, and which I hear was also a take on some English film), so while this time it is not about being innovative and original, it is still about skillful filmmaking and cinema which can both entertain and educate. Certainly we should be grateful when a film like PK becomes a massive hit, instead of the mindless masala, at least once upon a time. Also thank God (the asli wala) that the film stayed away from much of romantic moping or emotional revelations, which would inevitably slowed the narrative down (It was not about romantic love anyway, so why dilute it.)

Aamir Khan gives a commendable performance, and while the biggest strength of PK is in the way his dialogues have been written more than anything, when his extravagant weirdness stops bothering you after a while, he slips into the role effortlessly. Anushka Sharma is a natural performer and one gets happy just seeing her twinkling eyes. Whatever she has been doing with the lower part of her face is completely her business and I do not judge her for it, but yes, I must admit in some scenes her mouth area was as distracting as Katrina´s lips in Jab Tak Hai Jaan. Saurabh Shukla appears and makes quite an impression as a mean religious leader, while the erst of the cast divide some special appearances. Boman Irani, I felt, got the mean deal. Given he has been such a power in Hirani´s previous movies, here he has nothing to work with at all. Sanjay Dutt is funny, and his shocking demise.... well.... shocking to say the least. The special appearance by Ranbir Kapoor at the end would have been an extremely pleasant surprise, had it not good friend tumblr ruined it for me just days after the film release.

PK, unfortunately, does not reach the higher than high standards set by Hirani himself with his previous films (namely 3 Idiots and above all Munnabhai MBBS). Half-an-hour-too-long, while it carries a fantastic message, it lacks any true drama to drive the plot. One feels for PK, but there is not a single moment when one would not expect him to return home eventually. Finally, the last twenty minutes seem sloppy. The whole explanation of „how maybe Sarfaraaz probably did not ditch you ever thought of that“ felt forced and over-constructed (does this word even exist?). Also, if you have a huge lasting fight over religion on national TV, there should be a grand conclusion, but the viewer is robbed of the experience, as the climax remains underplayed and underwhelming. Few times I also had to remind myself to be tolerant when it came to a fine line between humour and crude humour, without which Hirani seemingly cannot do (though I admit the dancing car was funny). The movie lacks memorable soundtrack.

When it comes of the specific theme of religion and how it became a big money spinning business, Rawal´s OMG remains superior. PK is more cute, with a hero and heroine more to the mainstream tastes, and on a grander scale. It carries the Raju Hirani signature: it is light-hearted, funny yet touching, all that just somehow little less than usual.

Dhoom 3

Directed by: Vijay Krishna Acharya

Starring: Aamir Khan, Abhishek Bachchan, Katrina Kaif, Uday Chopra, Jackie Shroff

Released: 2013

My rating: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - shitastic - good – great – amazing

I feel that after this film I need to add one more word into my rating – SHITASTIC. Because that is the only way how to describe how awesome and awful Dhoom 3 is (maybe I should call it „awesful“?). I thought the first movie of the franchise decent, the second absolutely horrendous. And this one just bloody ridiculous. But given I had my brain boiled by intense studying and was in a desperate need of letting everything just go for a moment, I ended up enjoying this first class trash to the fullest.

Uday Sparrow.

First of all, I made a mistake listing the cast above. The correct order should be: Aamir Khan, Aamir Khan, supported by Aamir Khan, a bike, Aamir Khan, and some extras. What makes it a part of Dhoom franchise is not Jai and Ali, a duo of idiotic cops, but bikes doing mad shit and story so questionable you cannot take any bit of it seriously. It is not a masala film in that slightly rustic 80s style (that needs to die a quick death for the sake of humanity), it looks way more polished, almost slick, almost like a good movie. But then of course bikes ride on ropes and rickshaws break through numerous brick walls, and American police calls for help two of the most incompetent Indian cops who have screwed up every big case in the past. And by the time the big twist comes you have guessed already, but Jai Dixit has not.

Suddenly..... diorrhea.

Unlike previous Dhoom, which was just totally random, Aamir – as Sahir AND Samar, is given a backstory. All the silliness that happens has a certain motivation, which at least gives it a frame, that kinda holds it all together. There is no shit (am using this word often in this review, am I not?) love story that would make you roll your eyes and wish the lovers dead already. On the other hand it is all about robbing a bank and yet not once you see the bank robbed (huh?), but the makers try to make up for it with ENDLESS bike/car chases that always end up with Aamir´s magical bike pulling off some magic trick. The circus showed in the prologue (which interestingly feels like something from the 20s instead of the year 1990) provides just really secondary magic tricks (no wonder the bank was not impressed), the new circus Aamir launches seems to have ONE show number that goes on every night and forever.

But I guess nobody cares about the reruns. As long as Ms. Kaif is wearing only glitter.

Aamir Khan has a constipated expression as Sahir and his act as Samar is actually painful. The film entirely belong to him still, even if his bulging muscles make him move rather uncomfortably. Abhishek Bachchan sports a frowned brow and grim stare all the time, it is obvious the makers had no idea what to do with him. Any random cop could have provoke the exact same things from Sahir and the character of Jai is really no longer required. As for Uday Chopra, he is in because everybody needs a sidekick they can pester and Jai ain´t no different. 

No clever caption. I just loved her hair.

Katrina Kaif has about 20 minutes in the film (that already includes 3 songs). She fits the role. She is quite cute and no acting histrionics are required anyway. Dhoom girl is about sex appeal, good looks and glamour, all of which she provides generously, and for the first time ever I truly appreciated her dancing. She was REALLY good, and only few bits of choreography made her look awkward. Most importnatly her character does not refer to herself in third person (Sunehri was really pissing me off with this in Dhoom 2. Like who the hell does that?) It felt good to see Jackie Shroff in his cameo, he was reliable as always, although his character was one whacko of a „loving“ father.

I set fire to the box! Bow down to my magic, bitches!

Songs blend in well with the film – the best one by far is Malang. All that money they put into picturization definitely paid of. The number is SPECTACULAR and must have been amazing to experience on big screen. On the other hand Aamir Khan should apologize for that tap dance in the beginning. Camera work is beautiful, and the only technical aspect that was not up to mark were special effects. The amount of cars crashed and flying through the air must have made Rohit Shetty green with envy.

Dhoom 3 is definitely the best of the horrible franchise. It is awful but extremely entertaining. So bad it´s good. All glamour, no substance or logic. And apparently every criminal prefers to throw themselves off the cliff rather than be arrested by Jai Dixit.

Do you think he charged producer twice?

Akele Hum Akele Tum

Directed by: Mansoor Khan

Starring: Aamir Khan, Manisha Koirala

Released: 1995

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

On some levels Akele Hum Akele Tum made me extremely happy. A sensitive, and not being all black and white in its views, story about one marriage´s failure and consequences, is not a common Bollywood (or Indian) concept for a movie. The film caught my fancy because of this venture into an unsure and unknown waters, as well as because it actually does try to show some new dimension and perspective to our heroes and heroines. At the same time the film failed me in some aspects, that are „small“, but seemed quite important to me nontheless. As usual I have not seen Kramer vs. Kramer, and American film this was based on, so there is no question of comparism from my side.

Rohit (Aamir) and Kiran (Manisha) are two beautiful young people. Bonding over their love for music, they start a relationship. And sharing the same dream – to make it big in the music industry – promises to bind them even more closely. In spite of her parents´ wishes Kiran accepts Rohit´s proposal for marriage, full of optimism and happy to have a husband, who, as she believes, will support her in her efforts. However reality hits hard. It is not easy to pursue ones dream when she has to tend her busy husband. And all dreams are all but left when she gives birth to their son. While Rohit is toiling, trying to fulfill his musical dreams, Kiran is home bound, being everything a proper wife is supposed to be: a cook, a maid, a nurse..... but unlike many a heroine, she is not happy.

Kiran is one of those rare speciments among Bollywood female characters who actually nurtures ambitions of her own and her idea of happiness does not fully equate tending family. After a while she cannot take it anymore and on verge of nervous breakdown she decides to leave her husband – and also their six years old son, and starts building a career for herself, starting in a chorus in advert jingles and ending up a top film heroine. Meanwhile her husband is all bewildered upon realizing how difficult it is to take care of household and son, and his own promising job turns sour at first, and pretty much dies a slow death....

The story is largely focused on Rohit´s part of the story and his bonding with son whom he neglected till then, while a story of one woman´s emancipation is pretty much just a background. Pity, because both the journeys in the reverse role universe would be worth exploring in detail. We don´t really see as much of Kiran as we should. We do not really feel what she feels and we don´t really know what her expectations or doubts are, apart from the beginning of the movie, when she indeed resembles just a wild animal trapped in a cage. On the other hand we do get a wonderful portrait of a father, who only without wife manages to grow up into a caring and thoughtful man. In the end it is bit of a disappointment for the viewer (or rather for me) that Kiran is indeed painted in the negative colours more than necessary. Her motives and reasons for abandoning her family are left without an attempt to make the audience understand. And while she regrets and asks for forgiveness, Rohit never even apologizes. I would rather believe „we failed each other“ statement Kiran gives rather than „I failed“ admission that is pretty violently drawn out of her a bit later.

The film ultimately belongs to Aamir Khan, who gives a stellar performance full of feeling. From frustration and anger to loving and protective as well as insecure, he gets is right, and his equation with his on screen son is wonderful. Manisha as Kiran is very good, but with less scope that I expected. Akele Hum Akele Tum thus remains a sensitive venture into human (and parental as well as child) psychology, that left me with moist eyes, but it is not exactly feminist friendly.

Talaash

Directed by: Reema Kagti

Starring: Aamir Khan, Kareena Kapoor, Rani Mukherjee, Nawazuddin Siddiqui

Released: 2012

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

There couldn´t be a better title for this film, because it is indeed primarily a movie about searching, where every character is on a lookout for something else. Ad to it that the full titles is „Talaash – the answer lies within“ - and wah! Rarely you stumble upon a title summing up the movie as perfectly, yet not revealing anything, just capturing attention. And the movie itself proves to be just as captivating. Before I go on, talking about the story and such, better be warned: if you have not seen the movie yet, and actually want to enjoy it, stop right here. I know what I´m talking about. This is one movie, that spoilers not only „spoil“, but extremely take away from an impact that the movie has a potential to make otherwise. I was, unfortunately, not lucky, and knew beforehand what the twist was. Talaash still made for an engaging and even thrilling watch. But I can just imagine how much more I would be taken by it if it wasn´t for some people who enjoy spoiling fun for everybody else.

"Who posted the spoilers on Twitter?"

 

In the dead of a night a fast speeding car, just like that and seemingly entirely without reason it takes a sudden turn and crashes into the sea. The driver, a famous actor, drowns. And so police inspector Surjan starts his search – for the reason of the tragedy, because nothing indicates a sabotage neither a suicide. The case doesn´t seem to have a satisfactory explanation, and the more police knows, the more mysterious and tangled it all looks. Surjan spends his days and nights at work. Not only he is driven by desire to solve the thing, but he is also trying to escape his own personal pain. He has lost his 8 years old son in a tragic accident some time ago. His shattered wife is only slowly trying to recollect her life. Her search is for the lost understanding with her husband. 

 

Surjan´s investigation brings him into the red light district of Mumbai, where he meets Rosy, a prostitute, who gives him some truly invaluable information. And more. Her presence seems to calm his nerves. He cannot talk to his wife, but he feels free to do so with Rosy. With her, he can finally rest for a few moments, without nightmares. Even Rosy is in search of something. She is searching – for justice, a revenge for her own death...

Spooky! That Talaash is a ghost film becomes apparent quite some time before Surjan himself realizes the truth behind Rosy, her tales of a lost prostitute three years ago and also a „special place“ she leads him to. Ad to it communicating with dead son through a medium, and you could almost classify the film as a horror. But the supernatural is not really the core of the film, neither is police investigation, nor are small episodes of side characters, who are also searching – pimps for wealth, prostitutes for freedom, and a crippled crook for a decent life of the woman he loves. Ultimately Talaash is a human tragedy and coping with the greatest loss a parent can bear. Whatever Surjan goes through, every person he meets, all that is slowly leading him to forgive himself and breathe freely again in the end. His search is for inner peace.

"And for that T-shirt. I love that T-shirt."

Talaash is not the best film of the last year, but it could be ranked among top 10. The concept is not entirely new overall, but it is new for Bollywood. It is different and well made. Performances are very good from everybody. There is both subtlety and realism to all of them. The film has three major stars, but none of their auras and personalities overshadows the film, making it a background to their own shine. If anyone around you is in search for a don´t-leave-your-brain-at-home film, Talaash might be what they are looking for.

Dil Chahta Hai

Directed by: Farhan Akhtar

Starring: Aamir Khan, Saif Ali Khan, Akshaye Khanna, Preity Zinta, Dimple Kapadia, Sonali Kulkarni, Ayub Khan

Released: 2001

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Searching for some background information about this film I came to know that it has achieved a cult status. Objectively speaking – no wonder. The movie captures the sensitive period of coming of age, when young men (because they hardly are boys anymore) become „full men“. Three distinctly different characters taking three different paths. True enough – Aamir Khan in the lead is filthy rich and with opportunities hardly anyone in society has, still there are traits to him and his friends that the audience could connect with and find themselves in.

Akash, Sameer and Siddhart are best of friends, who just graduated and find themselves in front of the age old question: What now? Akash seems quite comfortable lazying around, Sid would like to pursue a career as a painter and artist, and Sameer dreams of nothing else but a perfect romantic relationship. Their dosti only suffers a critical wound when Sid falls in love – and that with a woman who is not only 15 years older to him, but also is divorced, has a daughter and serious problems with drinking. All that notwithstanding Sid finds in Tara somebody he can share everything with, even ideas, feelings and thoughts that he kept secret even from Akash and Sameer. However when Akash learns about the way Sid feels, he insults both Tara and Sid´s feelings for her in his ignorance. Rift is created, Sid leaves the city for further studies, Akash flies to Australia to manage family business and Sammer is left behind, without friends, and in love with a girl, who loves somebody else.

At this point one story divides into three, that only come together at the end, just like old friends, who finally realize they mistakes and find strength to forgive and ask forgiveness. Aamir Khan gets the biggest scope with his story, that sadly is the least engaging of the three. Akash is yet another Bollywood hero who doesn´t really believe in love, and so of course he bumps right into Shalini (fresh-faced and clear-eyed and all kinds of cute Preity Zinta), which naturally leads to him falling head over heels with her, althoug for some times he doesn´t realize it. And then there is the problem with her already being engaged. Sameer is completely sidelined, as his pursuing Pooja (Sonali Kulkarni), is not meeting with a success for a while, but all´s well that ends well. His bit of the film is a sweet romantic comedy. Sid´s story turns all sad and melancholic, because Tara refuses to accept his love, too scared of consequences, and Sid doesn´t find support even with his family. Ultimately his first love takes course to a tragic ending....

Aamir Khan gives his standart performance – reliable, good, nothing amazing. Ironically he looks less of a student than what he did several years later in 3 Idiots, and the whole time I just wanted to grab a razor and shave off that horrible thing from his chin. Saif Ali Khan reminded me of a cute puppy in this, always just hoping for everyone around him to be content and happy. The best performance of the three though is given by Akshaye as quiet painter, who knows too well his feelings will be questioned, judged and condemned. As for ladies – Sonali Kulkarni is hardly worth a mention, while Preity Zinta pulls off one of the bubbly roles she became famous for, looking very lovely throughout, and Dimple Kapadia impresses as Tara, a woman who has seen the worse sides of life. There is depth to her, and in consequence also to her relationship with younger man. That storyline, rather daring and unusual, deserved a way more space than Aamir/Preity love frolicking in Australia.

Dil Chahta Hai is a pleasant film – about friendship more than anything else. It is not the best one on that theme, but one of the best of the past decade for sure.

Raja Hindustani

Directed by: Dharmesh Darshan

Starring: Aamir Khan, Karishma Kapoor, Suresh Oberoi

Released: 1996

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

When I think about it, it was not really Devdas, that was my first brush with Bollywood, but Raja Hindustani. A friend of mineshowed me a youtube video – for laughs, commenting on it as the song progressed. A seriously depressed guy singing his heart out while object of his desire sits all quiet with eyes bulging wide to the point of scary, a weird man dressed as a woman, a woman with so much paint on her face and drinking from the bottle being disturbing, and finally big finale with the girl falling into the boy´s arms and her father being apparently displeased. My friend thought the song was the movie´s finale. How wrong was she, unfamiliar with Bollywood ways back then. The song was Pardesi Pardesi and it signified only the beggining of the all the troubles for the on-screen couple.

Rich and beautiful Aarti (Karishma Kapoor who got rid of her mad curls and shaped her wild eyebrows which she sported in the early 90s) makes a sentimental trip to a small city of Palanketh, a place where her parents first met, before leading a loving marriage and having Aarti. Sadly Aarti´s mother died and her father married for a second time – a much westernized (read BAD) and greedy woman, who´s fake affection for her step-daughter is so obvious it hurts. In Palanketh Aarti, accompanied by a sibling duo of brother and sister who, for the sake of laughs, switched personalities and visage, meets a poor taxi driver Raja (Aamir Khan). Raja is not only poor though. He is honest, hard-working and obviously the director´s vision of a true Hindustani, unpolished and uneducated but with high principles of morality at heart. Principles so high I actually took offense because it bordered on completely sexist.

Mr. Morality has problems with guys liking her in dresses but standing under the same tree in a rain is obviously a completely moral opportunity to get seriously cozy.

A woman he has no relation to apparently cannot wear a western (read BAD) dress of her liking, because some other uneducated men make remarks about her then. She naturally gets angry, but apparently doesn´t learn her lesson, and instead of dismissing the taxi driver, she not only falls in love with him, but actually leaves her loving father for this man, whom she only knows for a few days, and who is an utter mismatch to who she is. I could never understand why would Aarti sacrifice everything she had – not only status and riches, but her own family and even education and ambitions – for a man who refuses to change in the slightest because of her. I foud Raja extremely selfish and Aarti lost her appeal once she actually took his side, leaving heartbroken father behind.

Although at this moment she apparently realized she really screwed her life up.

Once Aarti and Raja get married, their love story actually becomes hardly bearable. Raja turns out to be proud, uncompromising, even to the point of abusive (and later in the film he goes totally bonkers), while Aarti considers an occasional dance to a catchy song a solution for all marital problems. However evil plotting westernized step-mother initiates the „happy“ couple´s split up (by pointing out the obvious – Aarti is a sophisticated and naive girl and her husband a jerk who clings to his pride more than to his love) and while Raja returns to Palanketh to grow a beard Aarti gives birth to his child. By this point the film went pretty much insane with Raja stealing the baby (because obviously he on his own in his chhota hut can give his son a better upbringing than his mother in a bungalow) and fighting a bunch of goons while still holding the baby, throwing it into the air and stuff while beating everybody up. And finale? The insane dude forgives his weeping wife because everybody gathers around and sings.

"Kaun kambakht bardasht karnay ko peeta hai?"

"Sorry. Wrong film, wrong year. Wrong Khan."

Raja Hindustani is just horrible. Aamir Khan actually gives a good performance, but Raja is just too awful as a character, Karishma Kapoor, who created sensation with this movie, is objectively speaking very weak in this movie. I like Karishma, but a great part of her films never did her justice, and she has very few performances that could be really praised. I believe that it was really her looks and style, so different from any other heroine till then, what caused the rapture and gave her a real standing among the A-listers.

The plus point would be some of the songs, and in a strange, twisted way, the movie is actually enjoyable – if you deliberately decide to turn off your brain. At the same time it is one of those movies that can only do Bollywood more harm than good when shown to a person unfamiliar with Indian cinema.

Marital advice for women: "Hubby snooty? Shake yout booty! In Ooty."

Tum Mere Ho

Directed by: Tahir Hussain

Starring: Aamir Khan, Juhi Chawla

Released: 1990

Verdict: destroy every copy – horrible – bad – whatever – flawed but enjoyable - good – great – amazing

Tum Mere Ho is one of the movies trying to ride the wave of popularity which had swept Aamir Khan and Juhi Chawla post their not-exactly-debut-film Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak. Both were fresh faces, young, attractive and with notable acting talent, and their pairing was hugely appreciated. No wonder that as soon as the Qayamat fever washed over there were other projects offered to the couple, but sadly none up until Hum Hain Rahi Pyar Ke in 1993 managed to do justice to anything Aamir and Juhi related – be it their acting or chemistry. Tum Mere Ho is also, at the same time, one of the most bizarre films I´ve seen. Entertaining in a way, but ultimately falling into the category of unintentionally hilarious.

I mean..... what the hell????

The films opens with a ridiculously shot scene which is supposed to be dramatic and mysterious, yet manages only to confuse and provides one of the many WTF moments the film is full of. A shapeshifting magic snakes are nothing new in Indian films, however I´d like to keep thinking that when in human form, they look like Sridevi in Nagina, not like the lady in this film, dressed as if she was ready to attend the new Savage Garden concert. In any case, the story goes as follows: greedy guy kills a snake, believing he´ll get some secret treasure, but only manages to really annoy its mate (the shapeshifter), who, to get even with him, bites his small son. Doctors are hurriedly summoned, but alas! Too late! They proclaim the child for dead and send his body floating in the river (I´m not really familiar with Hindu rituals, but..... aren´t you supposed to burn the dead body and dispers the ashes???). An old man finds the child in the water soon afterwards and unlike doctors, who should apparently immediately go back to medical school, finds out the truth!

Indeed - the kid is alive and kicking. He keeps the boy with him, naming him Shiva, and raises him to be – very conveniently – a snakecharmer and sorcerer who, by wielding an old bone, can control flying skulls and do magic (yes, you heard right). 

I shall have this expression till the end of the film.

One day on a fair the handsome and poor Shiva meet beautiful and rich Paro and love blossoms. Are you expecting the old boring twist of her parents disapproving and that being all? How wrong thou areth! Yes, daddy is not happy, he even hires another totally ridiculously styled magician to kill Shiva with his magic lute, but when that fails, showing that obviously unless the lute would be used to beat the guy to death it´s good for nothing, he has Shiva severely punished and then comes the biggest shock of all – he reveals to his daughter that she is not allowed to love, because she is – a widow! She was married off when three years old, but her husband (of the same age) died after being bitten by the snake few days later. And her parents did what every parent would do. Raised her without ever telling her anything about it until the day her in-laws would come to take her to live with them. Because that, apparently, would not cause the girl any distress. Oh, if only there was a guy bitten by snake as a child nearby..... righ?

Juhi being all pretty of course.....

Devastated Paro does what all Bollywood girls do when they want to protect the guy they love – she totally breaks his heart by telling him she never loved him. He, in return, sings a song about betrayal to her in public, and then they part way, seemingly forever. Many tears and more tears later Shiva finds out Paro actually does love him, and follows her to her in-laws. From there it´s more and more naive and silly and WTF and shapeshifting snake lady makes a ridiculous return only to participate in a ridiculously grand „action“ scene with Aamir vs. flying snakes near the very end. Finally all falls into place (in the story, not for you as a viewer), Shiva is recognized by his parents, and considering the heated scenes he and Paro shared throughout the film (with and without clothes, some serious belly kissing involved – which both rather surprised me), I guess they did not bother with marrying again and..... lived happily ever after.

"Do you want a viper or a rattle snake as a wedding gift?!

"I think I hate you for real."

To be honest, even though I´m not against "magic" in films, this one made me shake my head in a complete disbelief, especially at the beginning, as I was really not expecting it. Unlike Nagina, where the supernatural is presented wonderfully "realistic", here it is anything but convincing. The whole necromancy bit was unnecessary and presented without a bit of mystery or thrill. Juhi was great, second half was her time to shine, at least in whatever she was given by a weak script. Aamir was good too, though most of the second part he spent sitting under a tree playing a lute more then anything else. Seeing them together was of course a pleasure, one just wishes the director would have understood what opportunities he had in his hands. He, however is not the only one we could complain about when it comes to wasting Juhi/Aamir jodi. Except for Qayamat Se Qayamat Tak and Hum Hain Rahi Pyar Ke none of their films together were good. Pity.

Thanks filmmakers. I wouldn´t have guessed the guy was evil if he wasn´t wearing that skull on his T-shirt.

I liked music, especially the title song, which is rather melodious. However the boys vs. girls dance in the snakecharmer´s village caused another huge WTF moment with all the "violent" slapping throughout. The explanation that „our girls like men who can slap them and control them“ did not go well with my feminist side.

In spite of all I actually felt entertained, so I do not regret spending my time watching the film. All in all - trashily epic. I guess this is one of those films Aamir Khan never talks about.

"Why should I? I never made this film. Go watch Lagaan now."